True Love: Have I Told You I Love You, Have I Shown You

It only took 40 years of marriage for me to find the love of my life.

It’s interesting to hear different couples talk about how long they dated before marrying. When I was a young man, I spoke with my mother regarding a young woman I was attracted to. I was curious about how long my parents dated before they married. She told me they dated less than a year before the marriage. Her rationale was that she felt like she’d only find things to dislike about my dad if they dated a long time.

Other couples date for years before marriage.

My wife and I dated about nine short months before marrying.

The excitement of meeting someone special.

My wife had a checklist of things she wanted in a mate. She wanted someone who didn’t drink or smoke and had solid employment. I assume she wanted someone who was reasonably good-looking. I say reasonably good-looking because that is how I would describe myself. I had more hair on my head than my chest; now that’s reversed.

I looked for a reasonably attractive woman with a cheerful disposition and was affectionate.

Our circumstance of meeting each other was that we both taught elementary school in a predominantly Hispanic rural community. It was a tiny town. It was the kind of town that after 5 pm you had four choices for entertainment. You could watch cable TV, visit with friends and neighbors, go to church on Wednesday nights, or leave town. Most of the town chose the first option or the last option.

Given we were unmarried school teachers, whatever we did in the evenings and weekends was discussed among the townspeople. Teachers often did two other things in the weekday evenings; do school work and go square dancing once or twice a week. Square dancing allowed us to go to neighboring towns to escape the prying eyes surrounding us.

40 Years of dating filled with excitement

We married during the summer break between school terms. Looking back on things, I view the day we got married as the day our serious dating began.

For the first year of marriage, we alternated between fighting and loving. Neither of us had dated much before marriage. Both of us were raised as single children. It was a big adjustment being with another person in an intimate relationship.

We discussed many things. I didn’t particularly appreciate how she washed the dishes or did my laundry. She had better ways to keep my clothes or where I put my school work at home. Although I had not lived long on my own, I was confident in my ability to take care of myself.

We shared an intense love for each other regardless of how angry one made the other. We had a strong attraction for one another. Mother Nature is a wise old gal. She knows how to build hormones so that the species reproduces. In our case, a medical condition prevented pregnancy.

Being newlyweds, we did what newlyweds do. We did it in the bedroom, the living room, and the kitchen. We went to the state parks and enjoyed the freedom of nature in a tent, and we drove down Lovers Lane to enjoy each other in the back seat of our car.

To paraphrase Dr. Suess in “Green Eggs and Ham,”

I would say,

WE LIKE TO MAKE LOVE!

WE DO! WE LIKE IT, SAM-I-AM!

AND WE WOULD DO IT IN A BOAT.

AND WE WOULD DO IT NEAR A GOAT…

AND WE WOULD DO IT, IN THE RAIN.

AND IN THE DARK. AND ON A TRAIN.

AND IN A CAR. AND IN A TREE.

IT IS SO GOOD, SO GOOD, YOU SEE!

That is how the first year went.

We survived our first by strengthening our love, supporting the intimate needs of each other, and encouraging the belief we would make it together. We resolved we would make it together! For her, it was a matter of the sacrament of marriage. For me, no one in my immediate family had ever divorced. I did, however, have an uncle that married three times. His first two wives died. My maternal grandparents were married for more than 50 years, as were my parents. My sister’s husband would be a challenge of patience for Mother Theresa, yet my sister has stuck with him since the early 1970s. My sister-in-law has been with my brother since the late 1960s. If the rest of the family could make a partnership work, I could too!

Everybody roots for an underdog, and so do I.

My wife has had issues throughout her whole life.

As a child, she lived with her maternal grandparents after her parents divorced. Her grandfather believed in traditional family values. He was the provider, and his wife was there to care for his grandchild and him. My wife was the joy of his day, but he was emotionally abusive to his wife.

I knew a little about my soon-to-be mother-in-law’s abuse before matrimony. A few days before the wedding ceremony, she gave my wife a black eye. My father hired a constable to prevent her mother from coming into the church for the ceremony. My mother-in-law was an alcoholic. As a couple, we had to deal with “mother” from time to time. There were periods as long as five or six years that my wife and her mother didn’t speak.

Throughout her life, my wife has been in and out of counseling. She’s been on and off medications. I, too, have had my share of counseling and medications.

Over forty-plus years, we’ve rocked along giving and taking. We moved from a tiny town to a major city. We’ve dealt with job loss, parents passing on, child adoption, cancer twice, loss of physical intimacy, and life’s everyday challenges. We’ve faced just about every problem a couple can face together throughout that time. Together, there is no adversity we can not overcome!

Final thoughts on true love

We’ve stayed together, and our love has endured. I suppose the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is true. All the challenges we’ve faced together have strengthened our love. After 40-plus years of dating, I feel joy in being married and secure. I have my soulmate, and she has me!

Takeaways from falling in love and why it went right:

She wants a stable partner with an infinite amount of patience, good character, a good provider, and not abusive.

I want an affectionate partner. I like the closeness, whether it is a warm touch, a handhold, or bare skin-to-skin contact.

We each understand the *love language of the other and embrace the differences.

Her love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Acts of Service.

My love languages are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service.

We understand our place in the larger scheme of things

God led me to care for her because she needs me, not just someone! God’s plan is for her to care for me! God plans that we are to be together!

There is someone for everyone. That special someone may not be perfect but will be perfect for you. The relationship may not be easy, but you will know when you meet your soulmate. Keep your eyes open and your spirits up.

*5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

If you liked this article, you might also like: