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Abstract

knows that dexterity measures agility. Therefore, agility is redundant. Duh.Their early research focused on bipedal and quadrupedal motion, rather than the <a href="https://www.sciencefocus.com/nature/duck-penis-corkscrew/">corkscrew-shaped genitalia of a male duck,</a> which also occurs in nature. I’m not a MIT-level scientist, but if the robots were allowed to procreate it would make it a lot easier to scale up production. To any Boston Dynamics employees who are reading this: I’m available to consult.<figure id="173c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*F5JBmZhV9YngI7E8GNw3Nw.jpeg"><figcaption>It’s a shame MIT doesn’t have an A D&D rule book in their massive library. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@yuhandu?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Yuhan Du</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/mit?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>The young company cut its teeth making 3D simulations for the Naval Air Warfare Center Training Systems Division. It’s a shame Boston Dynamics didn’t pick up a contract to help NAWCTSD from having such a ridiculously long acronym. There are too many damn letters.In 2005, Boston Dynamics created <a href="https://www.bostondynamics.com/legacy">BigDog </a>along with Foster-Miller, Jet Propulsion Laboratories (JPL), and the Harvard University Concord Field Station. Two crappy beer brands combined with the worst product to come out of JPL since the creation of Sheldon Cooper delivered technical success. The robot was able to traverse difficult terrain and carry a payload.2005 Fact: Hilary Swank won the Academy Award for “Best Actress” for the film, “Million Dollar Baby”. I recently rewatched it and she isn’t too good to revisit her “The Next Karate Kid” role in “Cobra Kai”.Unfortunately, BigDog was deemed too loud for combat and the military canned the project. The military also stopped funding missiles, guns, artillery, etc. for the same reason.<h2 id="d01f">Not Much, Hbu?</h2><figure id="4844"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*1596wW6NiQGiTRL-cRr_xA.png"><figcaption>Spot. Image by author. May not be to scale. May be confused with the artistic skills of a young child.</figcaption></figure>In, 2020 Boston Dynamics successfully made and marketed a commercially available robot for ~$80,000. Good news! That means your workplace can afford it. Bad news! It’s definitely go

Options

ing to spot you picking that wedgie out of your butt in your cubicle at work.It will then beam a 3D video to your boss’ phone, so they can show it to their friends at pub trivia night. No, you can’t have that professional PDF software to fill out those archaic forms, it costs too much.<h2 id="b4f5">I Am the Danger. I Am the One Who Barks</h2>Boston Dynamics might not be currently pulling military contracts, but that doesn’t mean that Spot can’t be sicced upon the general populace.According to the Boston Dynamics Terms and Conditions:<blockquote id="ae47"><a href="https://www.bostondynamics.com/about#Q10">If our products are being used for harm, we will take appropriate measures to mitigate that misuse.</a></blockquote>But they also say:<blockquote id="75f7">Spot is a general purpose robot with broad applications, including potential military uses which could include remote inspection of hazardous environments, rescue operations, or logistics operations. But our robots are not made specifically for any particular government or military purpose.</blockquote>Using a robot as a remote detonator or a targeting device at some young couple’s wedding is probably against the terms and conditions as well.People don’t read the terms. I challenge any reader to come forth with evidence they have read the terms and conditions of any technology software or hardware they own. Being pieced up by a cute(ish) robo dog with a sniper rifle is definitely a death possibility for the future and nightmare fuel for the present.<h2 id="e8fd">Conclusion</h2>Statistically, one of us will likely die at the hands of a Boston Dynamics robot in the future. This company is the natural consequence of more than 30 years of military industrial complex research and American ingenuity. The company was acquired by Hyundai Motor Group in 2020, but the killing will still be as American as mom, apple pie, and some bomb-ass kimchi fried rice.<figure id="1021"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*ABsEz1jcFutTEQcEHO6zig.jpeg"><figcaption>Yum! Mocking this amazing dish would be sacrelige. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@emanuelekstrom?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Emanuel Ekström</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/kimchi-fried-rice?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>I’d rather eat kimchi than be robo puppy chow, but we don’t always get what we want. Be good.</article></body>

TRUE HISTORY

True History: Boston Dynamics

Something Something Skynet

The True History series consists of in-depth, totally accurate research. Each instance is fastidiously researched using reliable indicators of record such as lying, exaggeration, and deceit. All True History articles are guaranteed to be poorly researched, with cognitive bias and ego dispersed throughout.

Everyone say, “Fookin’ fook!” Clearly Micah (right) and Felicia (middle) thought that Rodney’s (left) bizarre St. Patrick’s Day declaration was in poor taste, but did not wish to upset Rodney (still on the left — it’s a static image, you ninny) who thinks he is an Irish Bostonian, but is actually ethnically Latvian and from Williamstown. Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/happy-friends-taking-a-photo-7080535/

The most insidious company in America was founded in Boston in 1992. Yes, that Boston. The home of baked beans (and candies described as baked beans) and polluting waterways in the name of an assumed Irish heritage shared by all North American white people.

Also in 1992, the cinematic masterpiece FernGully: The Last Rainforest was released to critical adulation. As a result, Australian Rainforests were preserved and protected, and tree mortality is now at an all-time low.

1992 Fact: Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush and former Russian President Boris Yeltsin jointly declared an end to the Cold War. The average global temperature has gone up by over 1° F (0.5° C) since that year. It’s a lot warmer, so thank them.

Sup Dog

1992 was also the year that Boston Dynamics was founded as a spin-off from Massachusetts Institute of Technology. This occurred five years after this Damon guy made the school famous as an upjumped janitor-turned-mathematician.

The company’s primary aim was to make robots that mimicked the motions seen in organisms in nature, especially focusing on agility, dexterity, perception and intelligence. Any Dungeons & Dragons player knows that dexterity measures agility. Therefore, agility is redundant. Duh.

Their early research focused on bipedal and quadrupedal motion, rather than the corkscrew-shaped genitalia of a male duck, which also occurs in nature. I’m not a MIT-level scientist, but if the robots were allowed to procreate it would make it a lot easier to scale up production. To any Boston Dynamics employees who are reading this: I’m available to consult.

It’s a shame MIT doesn’t have an A D&D rule book in their massive library. Photo by Yuhan Du on Unsplash

The young company cut its teeth making 3D simulations for the Naval Air Warfare Center Training Systems Division. It’s a shame Boston Dynamics didn’t pick up a contract to help NAWCTSD from having such a ridiculously long acronym. There are too many damn letters.

In 2005, Boston Dynamics created BigDog along with Foster-Miller, Jet Propulsion Laboratories (JPL), and the Harvard University Concord Field Station. Two crappy beer brands combined with the worst product to come out of JPL since the creation of Sheldon Cooper delivered technical success. The robot was able to traverse difficult terrain and carry a payload.

2005 Fact: Hilary Swank won the Academy Award for “Best Actress” for the film, “Million Dollar Baby”. I recently rewatched it and she isn’t too good to revisit her “The Next Karate Kid” role in “Cobra Kai”.

Unfortunately, BigDog was deemed too loud for combat and the military canned the project. The military also stopped funding missiles, guns, artillery, etc. for the same reason.

Not Much, Hbu?

Spot. Image by author. May not be to scale. May be confused with the artistic skills of a young child.

In, 2020 Boston Dynamics successfully made and marketed a commercially available robot for ~$80,000. Good news! That means your workplace can afford it. Bad news! It’s definitely going to spot you picking that wedgie out of your butt in your cubicle at work.

It will then beam a 3D video to your boss’ phone, so they can show it to their friends at pub trivia night. No, you can’t have that professional PDF software to fill out those archaic forms, it costs too much.

I Am the Danger. I Am the One Who Barks

Boston Dynamics might not be currently pulling military contracts, but that doesn’t mean that Spot can’t be sicced upon the general populace.

According to the Boston Dynamics Terms and Conditions:

If our products are being used for harm, we will take appropriate measures to mitigate that misuse.

But they also say:

Spot is a general purpose robot with broad applications, including potential military uses which could include remote inspection of hazardous environments, rescue operations, or logistics operations. But our robots are not made specifically for any particular government or military purpose.

Using a robot as a remote detonator or a targeting device at some young couple’s wedding is probably against the terms and conditions as well.

People don’t read the terms. I challenge any reader to come forth with evidence they have read the terms and conditions of any technology software or hardware they own. Being pieced up by a cute(ish) robo dog with a sniper rifle is definitely a death possibility for the future and nightmare fuel for the present.

Conclusion

Statistically, one of us will likely die at the hands of a Boston Dynamics robot in the future. This company is the natural consequence of more than 30 years of military industrial complex research and American ingenuity. The company was acquired by Hyundai Motor Group in 2020, but the killing will still be as American as mom, apple pie, and some bomb-ass kimchi fried rice.

Yum! Mocking this amazing dish would be sacrelige. Photo by Emanuel Ekström on Unsplash

I’d rather eat kimchi than be robo puppy chow, but we don’t always get what we want. Be good.