[Trips on steps and falls flat on face J.Law 2015 Oscar’s style. Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas slowly emerge from backstage to help me up, but they’re both pretty handsy.]

Get the fuck off me, dudes… I’m alright…I’m alright. I SAID I’M ALRIGHT, GODDAMNIT!!!

[Audience cringes and whispers things like, Oh my god, she’s wasted and she looks nothing like J.Law]

Hi, sorry I’m late! I’m still drunk from last night. I was so nervous about delivering my acceptance speech that I whooped it up pretty good and drank too many “sparkling alcohols” followed by a dozen Fireball shots. I’ve also been chewing Xanax like Tic-Tacs. And my apologies for being naked, but it looks like I’ve cinched my award for next year. And look… I have tan lines! #kristiessumer #mysummernotyours

[pops another “Tic-Tac” and yawns a couple of times]

Shit, why am I here again? Oh yeah…The 2017 Mediuman Awards! WOOHOO!!!

Oh, heeeeyyyy, Gutbloom! That’s quite a group of presenters you have backstage. Glad to see the time-machine is working order and you’re using it for a greater good. After all, do we really even want to save the world if the Mediuman Awards ceremony isn’t part of it? Hells naw.

So, I’d like to thank the Academy, Gutbloom, my mother….

Wait, is that a martini cart? You know I only came for the free drinks and the goody bag, right?

Speaking of goody bags, the Academy didn’t disappoint like last year when all that was in there were a few apple cores and a partially-filled Green Stamp book from 1979.

On the contrary, I am as pleased as punch with my new, green stretchy-hand. Aww…how did you know green is my favorite color? It was so worth the 300 mile donkey ride here. Speaking of donkeys…

[Throws up into goody bag and passes out cold. Cicero, Boethius, Boccaccio, and Chaucer all grab a limb and carry me off stage right.]