Treating Your Relationships like Work Could Make Them Stronger
Take the rules of professionalism and apply them to your personal relationships.
“I wish he’d give me half the attention he gives his job, that’s all I want.”
“They’re ready to drop everything at moment’s notice for a work meeting but if there’s a chore that needs to be done around the house, there’s always excuses.”
“By the time they’re done with work, they’re too tired to talk or cook together. It’s frustrating.”
If I had a penny for every time I’ve said or heard paraphrases of the statements above, I would have been a millionaire by now.
At its core, the sentiment behind them, which are not just complaints but reflect borderline desperation or resentment even, is that partners in romantic relationships don’t keep up their end of the bargain once a commitment has been struck.
And it doesn’t matter if these couples are dating, married, living in, if they’ve been together forever or are just staring out. Things change once the pristine euphoria of courtship winds down and blends into the monotony of regular living.
But work? Work is different.
Work requires professionalism, commitment, goals, structure, routine; always demanding your best foot be brought forward. It’s no surprise then, that we tend to give it all to our career, even if it means sacrificing the time and energy we need to put into the very relationships that make life worth living.
To be honest, it’s always been a point of contention with my partner. We’ve each lamented at some point about how we are so immersed in our work that we don’t take the time to nurture each other. The biggest gripe I have is that he never carries his phone to a work meeting but is always on it while we are having a conversation!
After numerous discussions with friends and family, I realized I’m not alone here. The more I listened, the more I found the dichotomy between how people function at work versus at home, disconcerting. As cliched as it is, there is a tendency to take personal relationships for granted. It comes under the pretext that we can only be our true self with those closest to us. And that includes our worst self.
But while the boundaries of professionalism seem to be centered fair and square around actions and behaviors in a work environment, I realize that there are a lot of parallels to be drawn with how we can manage our personal relationships better.
Work involves relationships. Relationships require work.
In 2020 as the pandemic raged, most people were forced to work from home. Intra and inter team communication struggled for a bit as water cooler chats, in-person meetings and team lunches were no longer possible.
Companies asked their managers to be step up, be extra empathetic and check in on their employees more often. Unforeseen circumstances demanded bigger, bolder steps for people to feel connected with each other and to their job, they said.
On the domestic front, though, as the physical distance between couples during a work day reduced, the emotional distance increased further. You know, the opposite of distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
Since stepping outdoors was fraught with restrictions, work became a diversion, a refuge to escape the reality of the world outside. But the reality is that for anyone new to working from home, establishing boundaries was hard.
It became easier to allow meetings to spill into family time. Cooking or eating while discussing long term planning is acceptable. Responding to work-related texts and slack messages during a walk is normal, and expected even.
While work may have become more accommodating to the daily faux pas of interrupting family members, the opposite has not necessarily been true.
If you’re willing to put in the work to make your manager and colleagues happy, you bet your partner would love to be at the receiving end of the same courtesies.
Communication is Key
When was the last time your partner looked you in the eye and said the urgent, and oft dreaded, three-word phrase — “Talk to me”?
The implication could be many things but mostly that they either feel ignored, want to know you’re doing ok (because, perhaps, visibly you’re not) or it’s a plea for help.
Either way, they’re looking to either talk or be listened to, both of which are the main pillars of a relationship.
The importance of effective communication at work and in relationships has been over-emphasized to the point of losing its true intention.
From a work perspective, the premise is two-fold. One, ensuring frequent updates to all members involved reduces friction due to ambiguity by keeping people in the dark. And two, it allows for a level ground for people to be heard, and be more honest and open with their thoughts, opinions and ideas.
You can see why extrapolating that to the personal side could bear similar benefits. Most often, partners are only looking for inside information, a shared alignment that the other person cares enough to keep them in the loop on things — whether it be about how they’re feeling or who’s in the mood to fix lunch today.
This could look like:
- Scheduled 1:1s aka “Pour your soul” talks — Setting aside phone-free time to really listen to each other during a busy work week could go a long way in building trust and closeness. Build empathy by asking if their needs are being met and if there’s anything you can do to help.
- Frequent check-ins or stand-ups at the beginning of each day to do a run-down of that day’s schedule or understanding the “mood of the day”.
- Courteous and respectful conversations — Don’t let work frustrations affect the way you speak to your partner. Yes, it may seem like it’s ok to take the liberty on someone close but…no, no one likes to be at the other end of it.
Team building activities are for everyone
“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” — Helen Keller
One of the most common complaints at work during the pandemic was that there weren’t enough opportunities for teams to get together to discuss non-work related topics. Even if companies made an effort to have organization-wide programs, micro-events within teams were dependent on budget and timing, and often de-prioritized.
For teams to work like a well-oiled machine, it’s necessary to bring them together to do fun activities that help in breaking the ice and encourage getting to know each other. The greater the comfort and camaraderie, the better the collaboration.
Just like with your partner.
Exploring each other’s personality beyond every day life is important to learn how they would react to known and unknown scenarios. While travel and life’s circumstances are a great way to do that, there are some simpler tricks in the book.
This could look like:
- Weekly trivia-themed Happy Hours on a Friday — “How We Met Each Other” or “10 of our Favorites” could be some great topic choices!
- Mid-week 1000+ piece puzzle hack-a-thon — Pull an all-nighter to make a complete, frame-worthy puzzle before sunrise! Winners get to snooze through the day (free brunch included!)
- Offsite event with planned activities — Head to the beach with a new tent in tow! Time the tent pitching and try to beat your previous record each time.
Embrace feedback
Both giving and getting feedback are hard.
At work, the recommendation is to always keep things constructive to allow teams to understand where they went wrong through the lens of what they can do better. This makes it easier for the receiver to not just view and accept it positively but also proactively seek feedback because they find it valuable.
Again, this couldn’t be truer between partners.
More often than not, our tolerance limits are much lower with our significant others and the process of providing and receiving feedback seems more like a fist fight or screaming match.
Feedback becomes criticism, criticism becomes highlighting flaws, flaws become lack of appreciation, lack of appreciation gets felt as loss of love. See how quickly that blew out of proportion?
This could look like:
- Framing the statement as a suggestion instead of an accusation.
- Allowing the other person to speak fully and taking the time to understand the intent behind the suggestion.
- Recognize that feedback is a way of expressing expectations and moving forward together.
- Express gratitude as a part of feedback.
Be Responsible. Take Accountability. Lead by Example
Wouldn’t conflicts resolve themselves (or never arise) if people simply accepted their own mistakes? If we stop setting perfectionistic standards to start with, we allow room for failure and to take ownership of our work.
In the workplace, a good leader is expected to lead by example by showcasing their successes and failures for others to learn from. They share their stories with empathy and inspire others to do the same. This builds trust and instils commitment. Both of which are the core tenets of any good relationship.
Isn’t it amazing how we give our work family such a long leash when it comes to getting things done? Providing encouragement, the space to learn and set their optimal pace and function without the fear of failure?
With our significant others, we lay the expectations on thick, right from the beginning. We expect each other to know it all from Day 1 while small mistakes are grave errors; we expect each other to know how to behave, act, speak and react or else deep disappointment sets in.
But there is always room to step back, take lead and show by action.
This could look like:
- Being on top of important dates, events and chores around the house. It’s usually the small things that go a long way.
- Forget something? Screw something up? Talk about it and what you’ve learnt from it, without blame or defensiveness.
- Laying expectations upfront, trusting your partner to keep up their side of the bargain and accepting that they could fail. Choose correction over coercion.
We spend a significant portion (about one-third) of our lives at work, fulfilling the duties of a good employee or leader before that of a good partner because, as most excuses go, a job pays. There are also strict rigors of performance reviews and consequences for poor conduct, that warrant a higher level of involvement to be considered valuable and successful.
But the truth is — our families, spouse and children — are our biggest assets. They’re what truly matter in the grand scheme of things yet they’re the ones who are expected to adjust and accommodate to the vagaries of our work-based moods. And even though we most likely know this, it sometimes becomes hard to find the right balance no matter how hard we try.
Remember:
- Carrying over our willingness to be the best version of ourselves from our professional to our personal lives could mean elevating the relationship to a place of long-term security.
- It doesn’t mean we have to be formal with those closest to us, but it is about bringing forth our kindest, most understanding self to the home front.
- And lastly, as a close friend of mine said while discussing this, when we are in need of help, it is our family that will be by our side, not necessarily our work fam. If that doesn’t demand our highest character, then I don’t know what does.
For further reading:
- “Your Marriage Or Your Job? How To Balance Your Career And Your Relationship” by Erika Boissiere. Forbes, Oct 24, 2019
- “1,500 People Give All the Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need” by Mark Manson
- “Making Relationships Work” by Diane Coutu. Harvard Business Review, December 2007
