Treat People Like They Matter

You may turn someone’s day around. Perhaps even their life.

I was 25 years old, working as a counselor in a sleepaway camp for disabled children in upstate New York. Jackie, a 15 year old red-headed girl with Down’s Syndrome, walked up to me as I was standing on line at the camp store. She gazed straight into my eyes and asked, “How are you?” Her eyes stayed fixated on mine, eagerly awaiting my reply.

She didn’t ask in order to be polite. Rather, she asked for the most loving of reasons … she cared how I was doing. I could sense it.

I mattered to Jackie.

I have a lot to learn from her.

I want to be more like Jackie. To show people how much they matter as often and as strongly as I can.

There are a myriad of ways I can do that. I only need to be mindful and the opportunities will pop up.

Whether it be spontaneously smiling at people, or telling the harried woman standing behind me on the supermarket cashier line that she can go ahead of me.

That begs the question … why don’t I do it more often?

A lot of it is force of habit. With mindfulness and motivation, I’m confident I can gradually chip away at that.

Another reason is I fear I won’t get a response in kind. What If I ask someone how they are in the same spirit as Jackie, and they barely look up at me, responding flatly with an auto-mode “ok”?

How would I feel then? I’d feel rejected. Weird. Uncomfortable. Three feelings that are not on my top 10 list of preferred emotions.

Well, enough about me, at least for now … lol.

What does “mattering” feel like to you?

Reflect back upon a specific time when you felt that you mattered to somebody. Don’t just think back on the details of the interaction. Focus on how it made you feel. Close your eyes for a few seconds, and allow yourself to re-experience how you felt as best as you can.

………………………….. ………………………….. …………………………..

I bet it felt amazing, no?

Think how cool it would be if we all pay that feeling forward!

Look out world, here I come

I’m not going to let any fear of how people may respond stand in my way. If I end up feeling uncomfortable, I’ll deal with it.

I’m raring to go. If you didn’t know it before, you’re going to know it very soon … you matter to me!

I’m so pumped up that I’ve already gotten the ball rolling. The first thing I did yesterday was to browse through my cell phone contact list to find friends I’ve lost touch with. My sole purpose of reaching out to them was so they would know I cared about how they were doing. That they mattered to me.

My first call was to Lou, who I know from a 12 step group. I haven’t seen him in ages, as he had stopped attending meetings. My second call was to Irina, the parent of a kid with autism I worked with 5 years ago. My third call was to Florence, a lovely lady who was my singing teacher for many years until she moved down to South Carolina.

They all replied warmly. They clearly appreciated hearing from me. It was obvious from their tone of voice. I’m off to a great start.

Now to keep the ball rolling.

Multiple opportunities abound each and every day. You just have to be mindful and motivated.

Showing people they matter is mostly about the little things. It’s not about buying your spouse an expensive watch, or taking him or her out to a fancy restaurant. Or giving your friends orchestra tickets to the latest Broadway hit show as an anniversary gift.

In other words, having enough money in your wallet is not an issue.

Some things I will be doing to show people they matter

Here are a few ideas that resonate with me. We’re all unique, so you will undoubtedly have your own.

I will compliment people more often, sharing what I appreciate about them whenever I can. Praising them for their accomplishments. Just a few minutes ago I did just that, congratulating my friend Ralph on his recent weight loss.
When my wife asks me to do a little something around the house, I will eliminate “in just a minute” from my response repertoire. As this is baseball season, the same applies to “Sure, right after the inning is over.”
I will give gifts to people even when it’s not a special occasion. Isn’t it silly that we wait for birthdays, anniversaries and holidays! For example, my brother-in-law is a history buff. I’m going to call my sister and ask her if there is anything she thinks he would enjoy reading.
Give my wife more spontaneous hugs, long ones. Wait for her to let go first.
Turn on my wife’s favorite Pandora station, regardless of how much I may hate the genre. Somehow, I’ll cope with listening to an hour or so of Barbara Streisand or Andy Williams songs, though I would much prefer rocking out to the Rolling Stones.
When my daughter needs to talk, that means it’s time for me to listen, to give her my full undivided attention. It’s not the time to multi-task.
Last, but not least, when I ask someone how they’re doing, I will be fully present and engaged. I will take the time to listen. They’ll leave the conversation knowing they matter to me.

As opposed to poor Mark below.

Thank you, my friend, Ian Stigliani, for drawing this for me.

My wish for all of us

I want us all to show people they matter as often as we can, in as many ways as possible.

I want us all to listen to people with our whole hearts when they’re sharing their stories, whether it be their struggles or their successes. To be fully present with them in their sadness. And their joy.

It’s an honor they chose to share their story with us. Their willingness to be honest and vulnerable shows how much they trust us. They don’t feel that way about everybody, you can count on that.

Not only do other people matter to us, we matter to other people.

Mattering … a most special, precious two way street.