Summary

The author explores the liberating experience of adopting an alter ego, "Tess," while traveling in Spain, to explore a different side of their identity free from societal expectations.

Abstract

In the article, the author discusses the transformative journey of using the name "Tess" as an alter ego while navigating Spain as a solo traveler. This alter ego allows the author to experience life with a sense of freedom and openness that contrasts with the restrictions imposed by societal norms on their usual self, "Toffy." The author reflects on the significance of names in shaping identity and how "Tess" represents a more authentic version of themselves, unencumbered by the expectations of others. The experience in Spain serves as a catalyst for the author to reconcile the different facets of their identity, embracing the qualities of both "Tess" and "Toffy" to achieve a more balanced sense of self.

Opinions

The author views their alter ego "Tess" as a more carefree and liberated version of themselves compared to their everyday identity "Toffy."
"Tess" is seen as an empowering choice, allowing the author to explore and express parts of their personality that they feel have been suppressed by societal expectations.
The author believes that names carry significant weight, influencing one's identity and the perceptions of others.
"Tess" embodies characteristics that "Toffy" has been discouraged from exhibiting, such as wearing heels, getting tattoos, or being more outspoken.
The author values the importance of merging the qualities of both "Tess" and "Toffy" to form a more complete and authentic self.
The article suggests that stepping into an alter ego can provide valuable insights into one's own desires and potential, encouraging readers to consider their own alter egos and how they might integrate these into their lives.

Traveling Through Spain Allowed Me To Try Out My Alter Ego

Meeting who I could be without society’s expectations

When you land in a new city where no one knows you, it’s an invitation to do many things. An invitation to explore, an invitation to get lost, and in my case, an invitation to reinvent yourself and live a little.

Hello from Spain, where I don’t know anyone and frankly, no one knows me. It’s been liberating to jump into a new place with a clean slate. And one of the ways I’ve been exploring the city with people who know it better than me is through meeting folks via Hinge (yes, that Hinge).

But, as a precaution for safety, I use the name Tess on the app.

Toffy is too unique and I can easily be found and stalked. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid, but as a solo female traveler in a foreign country, I’d feel more comfortable using a different name out there on the dating interwebs. And if you’re wondering, Tess is a shortened version of my legal name, and I’ve frequently used it as my Starbucks name before, so no, I didn’t pull it out of thin air and yes, it already feels familiar.

Tess as the carefree alter ego

I’ve been using Tess on dating apps for quite a while now, but for some reason, this name has taken on a new meaning here in Spain. Meeting people as Tess has felt more carefree, liberating, and open.

Whereas Toffy is a couch potato who watches Netflix or curls up to a good book on a Saturday night, Tess is out at a (socially distanced) bar meeting a (vaccinated) date with a fancy cocktail in tow.

Whereas Toffy would cringe and frown at spending 10 Euros on a cover to get into a flamenco jam event, Tess shakes it off and considers it an investment in an experience.

As Tess, it felt easier to drop whatever was holding me back from opening up and sharing a part of me with the world and letting the world share itself with me.

Toffy was given, Tess was claimed

Not to get Shakespearean here, but a name might be only a name, yet they seem to carry a lot — connections, histories, stories, and meaning. They’re a part of who we are and give us a part of identity. It’s one of the things we’re born into the world with and our families put so much thought into giving us our names.

But see, that’s the thing — our names are given to us. Handed down. Inherited. “Toffy” was a nickname given to me by my Thai family who wanted me to have a name that could be pronounced both in English and in Thai. While perhaps cute for the first 10 years of my life, at 25, I feel I’ve outgrown having a candy as my name.

But Tess, Tess was chosen by me. Intentionally selected, claimed, and is empowering.

So, who is Tess?

I’ve reflected deeply on Tess vs. Toffy with my journal, life coach, and therapist. My coach asked me if Tess was the authentic me, a safety device, or a performance — all great questions.

Here’s where I’ve landed: Tess is who I would be had society’s expectations not dug their claws into me. Tess doesn’t need any approval or validation. And Tess was only able to emerge here in Spain because it provided a neutral space to enjoy and explore freely.

Tess wears black pumps confidently and isn’t afraid to take up space. She rocks a short, purple bob cut, tattoos, piercings, a crop top, and deep red lipstick. She eats and drinks whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She’s honest and truthful, never sugarcoating the truth too much. She says yes when she means yes and no when she means no. She’s free.

Everything that Tess is able to do, Toffy doesn’t do because somewhere along her life, she learned it was “wrong”. Friends always told Toffy that she was already so tall she didn’t need to ever wear heels. Family told her that good girls don’t get tattoos or show skin. Society told her girls who wear too much makeup are fake and that thinness was to be aspired to.

Learning to merge the two identities

I fully recognize it’s a bit weird to be writing about myself in the third person, but the truth is, both Tess and Toffy are me. Spain has just given me the space to redefine and explore the version of myself I might have been without the burden of conforming to expectations.

But the challenge now lies in how to view the two versions of myself merging together, rather than separating and pulling each other apart.

Some days I need Tess’ flair; other days I need Toffy’s stability.

Some days I need Tess’ “screw it, we’ll cross that bridge later” attitude; other days, I need Toffy’s sensibility and proactiveness.

Merging the two sides will be a process that will take place after I leave Spain. And the crucial part is not to put either identity down, but to merge the two in a more balanced way.

So, while I continue to explore who Tess is, I’d like to offer you some reflection questions for your alter ego:

Who is your alter ego? Describe them — what they wear, what they eat, how they act and behave, etc. (If you have trouble, think — who would you be if you landed in a place where no one knew who you were?)
What insights did you glean from your alter ego?
How can you invite parts of your alter ego(s) into your own life?

It’s true we have multiple selves. Your colleagues are going to know a different side of you than your families. But sometimes, we have to really step out of ourselves and our comfort zones to see what other hidden, alter ego selves might be lying dormant beyond our knowledge.

So, who’s your alter ego(s)? I can’t wait to meet them.

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