Trauma Set Me Free

The reality of trauma. While reading this piece, I want you to envision every word I have written. View it as a movie, but realize that it’s not.

Here is the question that led me on my journey today, “God, why did you make me black if you hate me?”. I would say that my life was not on a silver platter, more like a trash can with dead bodies in it. Seeing people in the broken conditions, I couldn’t understand it. I would hear terms such as pull yourself up by your bootstraps, all the while the boots are being taken away. So I’m left to walk barefooted, which is familiar to my forefathers…slavery. I like walking barefoot, though. It’s pretty comfortable. So I took my bare feet and started to walk along the cold path.

My path is rocky. Walking on it, I see a glimpse of my life. It’s like photos in the sky. I see death in me, sorrow, brokenness, bitterness, compassion, hope, laughter, beatings, and poetry. I feel in me that there must be more to life. I’m dying inside, looking for a way out. Ouch! I cut my foot on some glass. The blood flows on the rocks, and it cries tears of sorrow. I’m reminded of the train ride, and the man comes to me and says, “Try Jesus. He will save you.” I’m thinking, save me from what? Poverty? Molestation? Ugliness? Seething wrath? My blackness? “No,” says the man, “save you from your sin.” I think, oh yes, the children of Ham, they say – the bad seed. The dark races are the evil ones, they say. I accept this strange man's offer to relieve me from my pain. Who is Jesus? The Savior…

Years later, I am completely engulfed in Jesus. I love him, singing to him, writing songs of joy to him, and wanting to look like him. Read that again. I wanted to look like him, not in manly features but in the features of race. I kept the process of burning my scalp so my hair could be straight. FYI, if anyone had a perm, you know what burning I’m talking about if you scratch your scalp the night before. I went natural, but it was hard to maintain. I’m feeling like this all the while my people are still in poverty. We are still being molested and strung out on drugs and allowing the ease of music to help us cope, which leads to unwanted seeds being planted in our gardens of evil.

Help me, Jesus. Save me, Jesus. I wrestle with my mind. I wrestle with my wrong side. I want to stomp a mud hole in this Sister for being horrible to me. But Jesus said he who does wrong must tolerate their punishments. Or was that Paul? But Paul and Jesus are the same in the mind, right? I scream in my mind. These are all the images I see in the sky. I see myself searching the ground, blinded, looking for love and begging to be filled with this love. Then they say, “God will send you to hell, and I don’t care.” Send me to hell to burn forever? Why? How can I be an angel in Hell? How can I live in a dead place? Jesus, where is this love you promised me? Maybe if I call on your Hebrew name?

At this point, I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. Maybe then love will come. How do we love each other when the life we seek is not here? Back on the road, I looked down; I didn’t notice that my feet were covered in blood. I’m exhausted at this point. Look at me, God! Look at my husband! Look at my children!!! Why do you forsake us!!!! You have hidden yourself from us. Why have you left me!!!!! Next thing, my heart thuds. One, two, three,… I think in my mind, no, not now. They need me. I need to survive.

I started speaking life to myself – life-giving words of affirmation. I begin to receive strength. But this goes against the Bible. The Bible says let another man praise you. But no one is here! So I speak life. I am love. I am unique. I am healed. I start to rip the pictures from the sky and fold them in my pocket as a reminder. To remember where I was and to remind myself where I was going. I wipe my cut feet and start to walk. The journey begins to go easier. The sky above me is still dark; however, I see a break in it. A light is coming forth. I have realized that the love I’m looking for is in me. I have searched high and low, and what I desire is all in me. I can bring that forth when I focus on my perception of life.

Life will be beautiful when I put off the old way of thinking. My life will be balanced because that’s what it’s all about. A just balance and a just weight. Nothing can run adequately if there is no balance. So, I’m going to walk this path. I’m not sure where it will lead, but I’m beginning to look at me. I’m starting to accept the gift of light that is in me. I will allow this light to shine for the rest of my days. 💡💐