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Abstract

p><p id="fc64">Last night I went to Sean’s house where he kept trying to get fresh with me. When I wasn’t dodging that nonsense, he was slathering me with compliments. It was overwhelming.</p><p id="b4ea">It was overwhelming because it’s like he was talking about someone else.</p><p id="1f35">He said that I was hot (<i>yeah bro, I watched a lot of makeup artists’ TikToks during the pandemic</i>). He kept telling me that I’m awesome and fun to be around. He made me feel like I’m one-of-a-kind and that anyone with me knows what a catch I am. I don’t even remember all the compliments. It was <i>a lot</i>.</p><p id="e467">I assume he was also horny and was kind of slathering it on thick to woo me in the moment.</p><p id="f819">So why am I even more depressed the next day? Maybe it’s because he insisted that after all this time of dating, Jeremy has fallen in love with me. I don’t need to add to the questioning I’ve already got in my mind.</p><p id="25b8">And now I’ve done dick all for my job because procrastination is my middle name. I spent all day being bored, depressed, and doing <i>nothing</i>. I have no plans this evening and I don’t have my kids. Despite my hatred of other humans, I generally keep my schedule packed.</p><p id="c139">There’s a stupid promotional video for Scottsdale that keeps playing on Peacock as I stream Real Housewives of OC (because I like to depress myself even more by seeing others who are stupidly wealthy). It shows a young couple over time experiencing things until they’re old.</p><p id="c5c9">I don’t know why I’m crying. Because I <i>had</i> that. But I didn’t really…we didn’t do vacations and I was full of rage because he was a man child. I had a <i>plan</i>.</p><p id="a05d">Divorce feels like hitting rewind on life except you don’t gain the years back. Just your status in life. I did this stupid phase in my life. But back then I had a plan. I had a future ahead of me.</p><p id="f0bd">I know I’m supposed to live in the moment. But this is living <i>too</i> much in the moment. I feel like I’m living in a

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max one-week ahead increment. It’s not good because as time closes in, my procrastination and inability to plan causes a lot of problems.</p><p id="6be3">This isn’t me. <i>This isn’t me</i>.</p><p id="f3f2">It’s 5pm. I need to work out. Instead, I’m going to just keep eating and watching Real Housewives.</p><div id="cb2e" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/things-i-learned-about-divorce-37e731ae70ed"> <div> <div> <h2>Things I Learned About Divorce</h2> <div><h3>The unusual stuff no divorce article ever told me.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*9LZorwqqlZBnAhyx)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c38c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/divorce-and-moving-out-cant-happen-soon-enough-ea98f4ceb29e"> <div> <div> <h2>Divorce And Moving Out Can’t Happen Soon Enough</h2> <div><h3>It’s the final countdown.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*5oZggLT5fAgML1qE)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="9a66" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-loss-in-divorce-no-one-talks-about-eb07f834e51d"> <div> <div> <h2>The Loss in Divorce No One Talks About</h2> <div><h3>My heart is broken.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*d8XxgP7v2Sh8vil1)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Trauma Responses Come and Go

Can’t it ever go away?

This isn’t a fancy article for a publication. This won’t be proofread. There are loads of typos. It’s just a raw dump of what’s been in my brain for sanity’s sake. Maybe the content will eventually fuel a formal submission, but for now…this isn’t it.

Dear Diary…

I’m over it.

I’m so over it.

I was doing great. Well, great for me. It’s all relative. Great for some people is probably them living their best lives. For me, it’s not spending my nights curled up in a ball crying and feeling okay about my appearance.

But it was great. It was a relief.

It never lasts though. And it’s annoying. Don’t give me hope. Don’t remind me what it’s like to not think you fucked everything up or that if anyone really knew you, they wouldn’t like you. They wouldn’t love you.

I used to manage it by slapping on a brave face at work. Like a functioning alcoholic, I can make others think I’m just fiiiiiine.

But I work from home now. I can wallow all I want.

I have to do work. Like, real work. Plus my house is trashed. I’ve never let my house be this messy. My kids make a mess but I’m not the person who leaves clothes on the floor or dishes piled in the sink for days. I’m misplacing papers and I forget everything.

Dear lord, is this alzheimers? Menopause? Or just the response to a childhood of trauma and a shitty marriage combined with lifelong depression?

Probably C) all of the above.

Last night I went to Sean’s house where he kept trying to get fresh with me. When I wasn’t dodging that nonsense, he was slathering me with compliments. It was overwhelming.

It was overwhelming because it’s like he was talking about someone else.

He said that I was hot (yeah bro, I watched a lot of makeup artists’ TikToks during the pandemic). He kept telling me that I’m awesome and fun to be around. He made me feel like I’m one-of-a-kind and that anyone with me knows what a catch I am. I don’t even remember all the compliments. It was a lot.

I assume he was also horny and was kind of slathering it on thick to woo me in the moment.

So why am I even more depressed the next day? Maybe it’s because he insisted that after all this time of dating, Jeremy has fallen in love with me. I don’t need to add to the questioning I’ve already got in my mind.

And now I’ve done dick all for my job because procrastination is my middle name. I spent all day being bored, depressed, and doing nothing. I have no plans this evening and I don’t have my kids. Despite my hatred of other humans, I generally keep my schedule packed.

There’s a stupid promotional video for Scottsdale that keeps playing on Peacock as I stream Real Housewives of OC (because I like to depress myself even more by seeing others who are stupidly wealthy). It shows a young couple over time experiencing things until they’re old.

I don’t know why I’m crying. Because I had that. But I didn’t really…we didn’t do vacations and I was full of rage because he was a man child. I had a plan.

Divorce feels like hitting rewind on life except you don’t gain the years back. Just your status in life. I did this stupid phase in my life. But back then I had a plan. I had a future ahead of me.

I know I’m supposed to live in the moment. But this is living too much in the moment. I feel like I’m living in a max one-week ahead increment. It’s not good because as time closes in, my procrastination and inability to plan causes a lot of problems.

This isn’t me. This isn’t me.

It’s 5pm. I need to work out. Instead, I’m going to just keep eating and watching Real Housewives.