I Learned How to Be Vulnerable In Jail
I found vulnerability in the one place you are supposed to project strength
Trauma is not a disease or illness, they are injuries that can be healed so let’s talk about how I healed my own trauma with the help of a bunch of grumpy ex-cons and a little bit of radio…
“If You Get Confused, Listen to the Music Play…”
“What makes this guy an expert on Trauma and Addiction?” Great question and a very good place to start. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything except perhaps failure, but that’s a whole other topic for another time.
What I do claim is this, after 6 years of extreme physical, psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse followed by 27 years of killing myself and serving life in prison on the installment plan I healed my Trauma and recovered from nearly 3 decades of homelessness and addiction.
A big part of healing my Trauma was using music to allow myself to be raw and open when all I wanted was to be closed off and shut down, and that’s our topic of discussion today, the healing power of music…
A Pair of Headphones, a Cold Jail Cell & Myself…
One of the greatest blessings of the modern era is the ready accessibility of music. When I was sitting in county jail trying to sort through the wreckage of my miserable existence I was blessed to have a pair of AM/FM radio headphones.
These headphones were miraculous in an amazing array of ways. Not only did they, for brief periods, block out the relentless voices in my head but they forced me to listen to music I had not previously been exposed to.
From Lorde & Taylor Swift to The Weekend and Lady Antebellum, from the Grateful Dead to the Dead Kennedy’s music has gotten me through the absolute most difficult times of my life, and rarely have I had access to it in jail.
Sitting alone in a jail cell crying is probably not a very uncommon thing, but doing it because you are so full of joy and gratitude that all you want to do is cry, that’s probably not a very common occurrence. This was the first time I cried in jail and at first, I only did it alone.
The Power of Men Crying Together in Jail…
I didn’t set out on my journey of healing and recovery with a business model in mind. I began this part of my story trying to avoid having it end up the same way it always had.
Someone said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing expecting different results well what do you call it then when you continue to do it expecting no different results but doing it anyway?
Psychotic, Sociopathic, Sadistic, or maybe Masochistic even, or just a combination of all of the above? Well, that’s what my life was, a Wash, Rinse & Repeat of getting strung out, going to jail & getting “clean”, getting out and pretending to do good until life would happen and I would start the cycle all over again.
This was no longer acceptable to me. When I killed myself and was brought back something had changed. Those stories are below. I was no longer willing to participate. I was in a part of the jail called a Therapeutic Community or T.C., which is jail or prison’s version of rehab.
I’m sitting in my Men’s group and we were listening to The Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. That’s a heavy song and this is a group of men who are tired of hurting. Hurting their families, their friends, and most importantly, themselves.
So I’m sitting there trying to fight back the tears that just want to flow unobstructedly & uncontrollably and I look up and 2 of the men I had the most respect for in my life up to that point were crying their eyes out.
My tears would be denied no longer and the levy broke and like Robert Plant said, “When the levy breaks you got no place to stay…”
This would become a recurring theme, the 7 or 8 of us who were at least on the surface trying to change our lives became comfortable crying, consoling, hugging I guess just genuinely being vulnerable.
I’ll tell you something, energetically I have never felt so much raw, masculine power in one room. I’ve felt raw, masculine, testosterone power, but never the power of a group of hard-hearted, time-worn ex-cons who were laid out and emotionally raw like that and have not since.
This is where I learned, with the help of Brene Brown & Pema Chodron, that allowing myself to be vulnerable could be one of my greatest strengths.
“It Can Ring Like Fire When You Lose Your Way…”
I could list entire playlists that helped me, and I will list some favorites at the bottom, but I’m not here to promote bands, I’m here to talk about healing. The powerful thing about music for me is that it rips me open emotionally if I relate at all, or if there is a line that triggers an emotional response, well now I just cry.
I ball or sob or weep or just get sniffly, whatever the occasion calls for, but I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed anymore because I feel. I am so grateful today that I had not hardened my heart beyond repair.
I would like to take this space to Honor those men.
Mike S.
Rich M.
Rob C.
Justin B.
Ryan S.
Pablo S.
Chester S.
Michael T.
You Men taught me, after 40 years of being alive, what it means to be a Man, and for that, I thank you.
“It Can Ring Like Fire When You Lose Your Way…”
Now, years later, I have not forgotten the lessons those men taught me. They saved my life, just by being brave enough to cry. I learned compassion, empathy, and forgiveness in those jail walls.
I recently spoke with another individual who is also a recovered addict and he said something about going back and making different decisions, and never having begun using. I don’t like the “What if…” game.
I ask no apology for my life or the choices I made to get here.
I did exactly what I felt was the right thing to do at the time. I don’t mean right in the sense of Good & Bad, Right & Wrong, no I mean whatever felt like the right choice to make at that moment.
Healing trauma takes courage. You have to sit with and make peace with the demons from your past, you have to allow yourself to process the grief. You have to find the strength to forgive when all you want to do is hate.
You have to open your mind and heart to the possibility that a new and better life is out there just waiting for you, whenever you are ready, and not a second before.
An Old Story, Re-Told
This was the first article I ever wrote on Medium and boy did it need help. I hope that you can find a nugget to take with you. It was fun re-writing this and adding to it. I did not change the story, only edited it and cleaned it up.
As always, be well…
~Namaste
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