Trauma Bonding, You’re Doing It Wrong

Somehow, we seem to keep having these types of misunderstandings…

After listening to various misguided online conversations, I decided to make this post. While I’m excited that more people are starting to learn about toxic relationships and how they affect our mental health, it’s also rather annoying to see so many people using overused buzzwords that they haven’t researched and don’t fully understand.

“Trauma bonding” is such a term. I’ve been hearing this critical term peppered throughout various relationship discussions. However, it seems that it’s rarely used in the proper capacity. So, since you’re clearly someone who cares enough to learn about such things, let’s clear this matter up once and for all.

What it Isn’t…

Before we delve into what trauma bonding is, let’s first discuss what it isn’t. And that is the general internet definition, which means bonding over sharing traumatic stories. But unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that many people seem to believe that trauma bonding is literally bonding over past traumas.

However, this is not the case. Based on this definition, trauma bonding would be a totally normal and acceptable convention. It’s actually very natural to bond with others over shared traumatic experiences. Doing so can help us feel understood, supported and can even help us get closer to others.

What it is…

Now that we know what trauma bonding isn’t, let’s discuss what it actually is.

According to Psychology Today,

Trauma-bonding is a hormonal attachment created by repeated abuse, sprinkled with being ‘saved’ every now and then. A slightly different version of this cycle can be seen when we are sitting at a slot machine in Vegas. It’s called intermittent reinforcement, and casinos have long used the data surrounding it to help us pour our life savings into their hands in the hope that we might finally ‘win.’

In other words, trauma bonding refers to what happens during the moments in which an abusive partner is not actively abusing and is being helpful or pleasant instead. For instance, if you have a physically or emotionally abusive partner who occasionally takes a break to take you out or make you dinner, the false sense of happiness and togetherness experienced during those moments would be considered trauma bonding.

If you are familiar with psychological terms, you may realize this is another term for Stockholm Syndrome. And if you’re familiar with that term, you probably only apply it to extreme situations in which someone has been kidnapped or is held hostage rather than ordinary, everyday relationships. However, it can be applied to virtually any abusive relationship.

Why it’s Important

This is important because trauma bonding is the smokescreen that keeps many women (and men) in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, this temporary relief makes some people believe their relationship “isn’t all bad,” Thus, they stay in these relationships far longer than they should.

However, if more people fully understood the definition, they might be able to take an objective overview of their relationships and realize which ones are toxic. This is especially vital for those in relationships with narcissists/covert narcissists, people who can be very dangerous and ruin their unsuspecting partner’s lives and self-esteem.

So, now that you know the truth about trauma bonding, do you see things differently? Are you slowly realizing that you or someone you know may actually be in an abusive relationship hidden beneath the cloak of “normal ups and downs?” If not, great! You and those around you may have relatively healthy relationships.

But if so, the time to act is now! Abusive relationships can be incredibly debilitating to those who don’t even realize they’re in them. Of course, the first step depends on the severity of the situation. Still, I would suggest making an exit strategy (which may include starting a secret savings account or getting financial assistance), starting therapy, and re-establishing connections with supportive friends and family who may have been forced out of your life along the way.

What role has trauma bonding played in your relationships?

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