Trauma Bonding In Narcissistic Abuse

Clearing up myths and common questions on what is and what isn’t trauma bonding.

This topic of trauma bonding comes up quite often, but not in the way I thought it would. Usually when the topic of trauma bonding is brought up, it is in a casual comment. A client will talk about a kinship with another person because they have had similar traumatic backgrounds and they connect on that level. They use the word trauma bond to describe what they feel.

This is a bond for sure, but not a trauma bond in the way that it happens in the narcissistic abuse world.

What Is A Trauma Bond?

The term trauma bond describes the dysfunctional attachment between two people. It is something that happens within their relationship over time. It intertwines the happiness and peace that one person(the abused) feels with the emotions of the other(the abuser).

A trauma bond is formed using the positive/ negative reinforcement cycle. Also called intermittent positive rewards. This occurs when you are unsure of which response you will get to a situation.

For example, if you bring home a B grade on your report card and your mom says “Good job honey! I’m proud of you.” but then the next time she berates you for not getting an A. How are you supposed to know what to expect the third time?

An example for a relationship may be: You make a pot roast for dinner and your spouse tells you they do not like it, that they never have. So you don’t make pot roast for them anymore. Then a year down the road they say to you, “It’s been a long time since you made me pot roast.”

A natural response would be to bring up what they told you the year before. If your partner has a healthy mindset they will say something like, “Oh yeah! I forgot about that.” If they do not have a healthy mindset they will turn it against you and say, “I wasn’t telling you to never make it again. Why would you think that about me?”

Do you see how this is confusing? Not only is it attacking and turning the tables, it is also denying the previous statement by indicating you misunderstood their comment. Even though the comment was straightforward.

This is what happens when you are given intentional mixed messages. They take your memories and jumble them up and make you do the work of trying to make sense of them again.

The Hot and Cold Cycle Promotes Trauma Bonding

Another way a trauma bond happens is when you get opposite responses in the same situation. An example of this would be: Your partner criticizes you for forgetting something at the store. You two fight about it and by the end of that fight you fully understand just how dumb and worthless you are… but then they hug you and tell you they love you and aren’t going anywhere.

That is the HOT/COLD cycle. Your abuser has become your savior. They are the one that hurt you and they are the one that is responsible for making you feel better. This is what fosters extreme codependence.

In more simple terms, it is an abusive dynamic in a relationship that twists it into a servant and a master dynamic. The servant never knows if the master is going to be happy or sad and is always trying to find ways to please them. If the master decides to punish or reward is unknown and the servant must go with whatever is given to them.

The nasty joke is… They can never be pleased. It’s a never-ending losing battle.

(They are not your master. They are a liar.) If you take away, or even threaten to take away, your love and support they would wither and die on the vine. They need you more than you need them. Their job is to trick you into thinking it’s the opposite.

This sort of cycle leads to the walking on eggshells feeling.

Things that lead to trauma bonding are all abusive.

• elder
• familial
• financial
• infidelity
• emotional/psychological
• physical
• workplace (it can happen between coworkers and with bosses)
• sexual
• medical (Munchausen’s)
• verbal

All of these are done to establish control. To form a power dynamic where one person holds the majority of the power nearly all of the time.

This is the end result of a trauma bond. One person is in a status of being above the other and calling the shots by either outright force or coercive control.

Trauma bonding explains codependency very well. Codependence is used in both the addiction and narcissistic abuse coaching worlds. Both involve addictive cycles and both involve power plays that are meant to exploit for the benefit of one person over another.

What Is NOT A Trauma Bond

Here are a few things that are in the realm of, but are not the same as, a trauma bond.

Shared experiences

A shared traumatic experience is not a trauma bond. This concept can also be described as a battle buddy. You both went through the same struggle and can be a good support for each other. You would make a good support system for each other because you can understand what the other person has felt in that situation.

If you are a child of an alcoholic and you meet someone else who is as well, you both have that history of having parents with addiction and will have many stories that have the same feel to them. You are connected by the shared traumatic history but you are not trauma bonded to each other.

PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a trauma response but it isn’t a form of trauma bonding. You can get it from the abuse that causes a trauma bond.

Trauma happens when your nervous system gets overwhelmed by something. It can be something big or little. It can be anything. We have a different level of tolerance that varies throughout day let alone our lives. I know if I have a good night’s sleep and get plenty of sunlight, I can handle things a lot better than if I am sleepy and haven’t seen the sun in days. An event that can push me past my limit doesn’t need to be as big on the days I am already stressed.

For those suffering from the long-term chronic form of PTSD = CPTSD, it is the sheer amount of traumas that take their toll.

An example of this would be: As a child, if I hear my parents tell me every day that I am worthless and not smart, that will hurt me each time. The cut will happen, then heal and then happen again repeatedly, causing scarring to my psyche. Hearing that every day is like a thousand small cuts. Which does more damage? A thousand small ones or one big one? Which one will take more time to recover from?

I saw a meme a while back that said, “Have a nervous system? I am a nervous system!” This pops in my head when I think about CPTSD.

Traditional PTSD is from a single event, CPTSD is from a series of events. Both CPTSD and PTSD are damages to your system. Both need to be reset and healed.

I like to think of CPTSD as Core PTSD instead of Chronic PTSD. The damage is done for so long and is typically focused on who you are as a person. Your personhood has been eroded and will need to be built back up.

It is doable and there are so many good therapists and coaches out there that can help you with it. If you need help like this you can reach out to me at [email protected] or go to Psychology Today and search for a trauma informed therapist in your area.

Personality Disorders

I have been asked by clients if ASPD, BPD or NPD is a trauma bond.

A trauma bond is not a diagnosable disorder. It is a thing that happens in a relationship that is dysfunctional but it’s not something that is given a clinical label. A personality disorder is a diagnosis.

ASPD, NPD and BPD have traits that are associated with the dynamics that can lead to trauma bonded relationships. The chance of having a trauma bond with someone who has these diagnoses is high, in my opinion. I’m not sure of actual statistics but it seems like any of them would promote this sort of dysfunctional bonding.

Addiction

Addiction is an unhealthy relationship with something for sure.

Addiction itself is a coping mechanism. It may be an unhealthy one, but it still is one. You can for sure be trauma bonded to someone that has an addiction but you can’t be trauma bonded to a thing.

But it is the most similar to a trauma bond of all the examples.

When I write drug below, that could be replaced with anything: gambling, sex, alcohol, working out, attention, purging, porn…

The addict never knows what the “drug” will do for them. Is it good? Is it bad? Both? The drug lies to them and tells them that this will help. That it will be the thing to make it all better, even though it is the thing that will destroy their life.

That is what the abuser does to their victim to create a trauma bond.

The difference here is, this is all going on in the mind of the person using. It’s not coming from the drug. They are bonding themselves to their pattern, and that pattern is often interchangeable between things. This is why many addicts have more than one thing they are addicted to. They may have a drug of choice, but the thinking, acting, and feeling patterns are what must be overcome as much as the drug itself or it will imprint on another “drug”.

A Non-Traditional Type Of Trauma Bond

One thing I believe is nearly the same as a trauma bond between two people is the trauma bond that can happen with institutions.

For instance, with religions, societal structures and corporations.

We hear about the brainwashing and manipulation that goes on in cults. The way they use intermittent positive reinforcement to brainwash their victims in giving up their freedoms. To me, this is a trauma bond.

The same goes for societies that are oppressive and corporations that hold your future and livelihood in their hands.

I wrote about the way I think many large companies are just corporate cults here in this article.

This sort of large-scale trauma bonding happens and seems to fly under the radar more often than one-on-one does.

But what do you think?