Thank You Notes #54
Transitioning from a Full House to an Empty Nest
Finding the upside to a change I’ve been dreading for years
You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive E-lim-i-nate the negative And latch on to the affirmative Don’t mess with Mr. In-between
- Lyrics by Johnny Mercer
The message of that song — released by Bing Crosby and The Andrews Sisters in 1944 — rings true for me loud and clear today. Focusing on the positive instead of the negative is one way to remain happy when things happening around you could make you sad.
Sometimes that’s easier said than done, especially when it comes to making a significant life change. If you’re moving from a relatively joyful time in your life to a period filled with uncertainty, it may be difficult to see the silver lining. It can be even worse for those of us who typically shy away from change rather than embrace it.
Subtle reminders like this week’s writing prompt provide excellent opportunities to shift your mindset and to move forward with an intentional focus on the upside. Thank you, Trista Signe Ainsworth— I’m always grateful for how you challenge my thinking and give me a platform to share my thoughts.
So…my husband and I are pretty much empty nesters now. Our oldest two children live in different states, and while our youngest is still in college, he lives on campus about two hours away and rarely comes home. After having a house full of kids for so long (our own, plus oftentimes their friends), we are trying desperately to adjust to our new normal. Here’s the positive:
It’s been a slow burn.
Thank goodness our house didn’t turn up empty overnight.
The countdown began eight years ago when our oldest child left for college. Even then, she came home every spring, so it didn’t really feel like she had moved out. Her sister followed the same pattern two years later, but we were blessed with intermittent bursts of young adults in and out of our home for years during the holidays and throughout the summer months. By the time they both relocated, we had grown accustomed to the absence of their daily presence. It was still hard, but at least we didn’t have to rip the Band-Aid off abruptly.
Our son was still at home during those transitions, and that made it a little easier. When he packed up his room and set off for college, the house suddenly became eerily quiet — but not for long. The pandemic brought all three kids back home for several weeks, an unexpected benefit during a stressful time, and we cherished every second of those “bonus weeks” together.
Yes, we miss our kids. And we’d jump at the chance to hop into a time machine and do it all over again (most of it anyway). But the gradual buildup to becoming an empty nester definitely helped us ease into this new phase of life.
These are a few of my favorite things.
There’s no better reality check than to turn on the news. I’m reminded daily of how lucky I am to be able to rattle off the following list of simple perks that came with the empty nest, giving me one more reason not to dwell on what’s missing — like empty seats at the dinner table or the void of laughter coming from the kids’ bedrooms upstairs.
Instead, here are some minor details we can appreciate now that there are only two of us in the house. They may sound trivial, but we’re going for positive here, so please, humor me!
- Our weekly grocery bill has decreased significantly.
- There are no dishes cluttering the sink.
- We can watch whatever we want on television.
- There’s no need to hunt for my makeup because one of my daughters “borrowed” it.
- My clothes don’t go missing until they turn up in someone else’s dresser drawer.
- Catching up on laundry is finally within the realm of possibility, and there are way fewer socks to sort.
- Making dinner is far less complicated — sometimes it doesn’t happen at all.
- Most of all, I have lots more time to pursue my own dreams — and I’m gradually getting better at seizing that opportunity.
I’m looking forward to resurrecting pieces of our past.
As my husband and I work through this transition together, the biggest change is not much of a change at all. It’s more of a rekindling or a reconnection. Do I dare say a “conscious re-coupling?”
Thirty-two years ago, we got married and started a life together. Before we became parents, our lives revolved primarily around each other. Our calendars weren’t filled with anyone else’s commitments other than our own, and it took planning and effort to avoid sitting home on a Friday night.
Once our kids were born, “free time” became a luxury, and for more than 20 years, we always had somewhere to go and something to do. We had a built-in social life through our kids, their activities, and their friends’ parents.
Being alone again — just the two of us — definitely takes some getting used to. We need to revisit some of the things we used to do together before we had kids. To put more time and effort into making sure we stay active and don’t get bored. That being said, I’m looking forward to it all — cultivating friendships (new and old), embarking on new adventures, and making new memories.
Besides, just because our nest might be empty today, doesn’t mean our hearts can’t be full. We’re already anticipating a summer vacation with our kids, and the holidays will be here before we know it — bringing us all together again.
And in the spirit of accentuating the positive, let’s remember the wise words of one of my favorites:
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
- Dr. Seuss
