avatarEmma Holiday

Summary

The web content discusses the personal struggle of Emma Holiday, a transgender individual, with societal shame and the journey towards self-acceptance and the hope for understanding from others.

Abstract

Emma Holiday shares a deeply personal account of grappling with transgender shame throughout life, concealing gender confusion due to strict societal norms and the fear of dishonoring family and self. Despite a lifetime of adhering to masculine expectations and the Boy Scout values, Emma confronts the internalized shame and societal bigotry to embrace her identity. She writes anonymously, aiming to process her experiences, connect with others in the transgender community, and educate cisgender individuals to foster understanding and acceptance. Emma's narrative underscores the desire for peace and coexistence without the burden of shame or the need for others' approval.

Opinions

  • The author feels that societal expectations and rigid gender norms contribute to a sense of shame and the need to hide one's true gender identity.
  • Emma Holiday believes that being transgender is not a choice or a character flaw, but rather a natural aspect of oneself that should not be associated with shame.
  • The author expresses that the shame inflicted by societal bigotry is unjust and that one's value should not be determined by the gender they present.
  • Writing serves as a therapeutic tool for the author to understand and accept herself, and to reach out to others who may feel isolated in their transition.
  • Emma emphasizes the importance of cisgender individuals gaining knowledge to overcome ignorance and misplaced shame associated with being transgender.
  • The author desires to coexist with others in peace, without requiring their acceptance, but also without the weight of shame that has been maliciously attached to her identity.

Transgender Shame

Transgender shame is a deep emotional dungeon with few exits.

Shame: a painful feeling that’s a mix of regret, self-hate, and dishonor.

Ashamed: feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness, or disgrace.

Even though I didn’t know I was transgender until I turned 61, all my life I felt ashamed of what I perceived was a defect in my male gender identity. I was taught that I was male and expected to do nothing but male things all my life.

Society has rigid walls. Some are good and some are bad. Participating brings with it some hefty penalties for failing to follow the rules.

You were considered deviant if you deviated from the rigid binary gender rule. So, for that reason I kept my gender confusion secret for decades. The depth of that reality I even hid from myself.

Being a “MAN” has so many rules. One of the toughest is, honor. Men are heavily indoctrinated with maintaining a sense of honor. Shame is part of the control mechanism. It is used so effectively by society.

“Don’t dishonor your country. Don’t dishonor your family. Don’t dishonor yourself.” “Don’t bring shame of on your family name. Don’t bring shame on your wife and family. Don’t make your Mom and Dad ashamed of you.”

I have carried a sense of my own gender shame all my life and dragging with it an internal sense of guilt, regret, self-hate and dishonor. That private shame periodically made me act publicly shameful. There were so many of those “guy” moments, particularly in a bar while drinking, when my male friends made the gay, lesbian and misogynist jokes. I didn’t make any myself nor pass them on but I “laughed” so I could be one of the guys. I was afraid to look “weak”. I needed to fit in and in doing so, found a new way to add a different shame to my my soul.

Admitting I am transgender now is as shameful an act in today’s world as the world that I have grew up in.

But why should I be ashamed to be transgender? It is a fact of nature, not a choice taken. It is not a weakness in my character. I was a Boy Scout and I grew up living the Boy Scout motto.

“A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent.” (Ok maybe the “Reverent” part got dropped after 12 years of rigid Catholic education. See the movie “Heaven Help Us” for a glimpse into the life I grew up in.)

So now living all of those values over a lifetime are negated? What is my worth to those in my life? Are all the good and honorable things I have done for my family, friends and my community throughout my life to suddenly be discarded because I am transgender? Were all of my acts so empty and meaningless as to be castoff from their lives as worthless rubbish?

It has taken a lot of therapy and self-examination…and I mean a lot, to finally realize that this sense of shame and all of its foul and vile brethren have no place in my life. Why should I feel shame to finally overcome the oppression of who I am just because I am not what they need me to be to fit their vision of the world?

Frankly, they should be ashamed that my value in their life should be defined entirely by the gender I present. What dishonor and embarrassment have I inflicted on them by correcting what is, essentially, a birth defect?

If they truly care for me, they should be happy for me that I am finally able to purge all of that darkness from my soul and be at peace.

I continue to write anonymously because I need to do so to stay stealth, professionally and personally, for a while more but I write for them as much as for me.

The reason I write so much is to find a way to ultimately share and expose so much of what I have been going through for them. I need to strip away shame I feel from myself for being transgender and transitioning, and, by association, hopefully removing that same feeling of shame from those that I love most in my life.

I appreciate that the others in my life don’t have the same time, drive or need to reach the same level of understanding I have achieved in so brief time. I keep writing to help them as much as I can because I don’t want to lose them to their lack of knowledge. I want to strip away that innocent ignorance and give them a chance to, if not celebrate my awakening, to at least remove that misplaced sense of shame that has been so maliciously associated with being transgender by antiquated societal bigotry.

I do not want ignorance to be the reason that someone rejects me. I want them to do so with full knowledge as they make their own personal choice.

But I will not require their acceptance in order for us to coexist in the world.

I just want enough room to just live in it in peace.

Emma Holiday

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.

Thank you for reading my work.

Please also read:

LGBTQ
Transgender
Justice
Life
Happiness
Recommended from ReadMedium