Transgender Exhaustion: All Trans All The Time

Sometimes you need to hang up the chat

I am a trans woman. When I was in the closet, I was certain I was the only person like me in the entire world. I felt extremely ashamed of my inability to suppress my gender issues. I am mentally strong. I am rational. Being a freak should be hidden.

Then slowly, I became aware that I was not the only person like me. I am part of a community, the transgender community. There are loads of people like me. We all thought we were the only ones like us. As happens on the Internet, folks with similar interests tend to gather. Some trans folks gathered on Facebook. I never liked Facebook.

Other folks, ones like me, gathered in a space that was originally used almost exclusively by gamers called Discord, a chat app that lets anyone create a server and invite people to join. My first experience with Discord was in a server created for transfolks called Susan’s Place. Many of us trans women know about Susan’s Place, which is active but heavily moderated. Many real life issues for are off limits. Medical issues and any issues rated above G would get you talked to by a moderator.

Getting booted

I grew bored and needed more in-depth discussions. I started a discord chat room and “poached” members from Susan’s and from other chat platforms. Poaching members is a no no in the discord transgender realm. If I got caught poaching folks from a server, I would be instantly banned. I got caught once. I gathered the best folks from any server that I joined. I was unapologetic. You can’t own server members, I always wanted my people to find the best fit for them. There are dozens of transgender chat rooms on Discord. I have been booted from two. Hormones are powerful, and I was a bit of a nut for a time.

Chat rooms fade into oblivion

My first room splintered off and formed two rooms. I still have my very first discord chatroom; I get a message occasionally.

Recently I decided to share some of my thoughts about Discord chat rooms. I created a new server specifically for an article. I got more folks than I had expected for a silly article about chat. Currently there are about 20 folks there who participate to one degree or another. mostly trans babies, with a few veterans.

I have spent just under three and a half years anchoring Discord chat rooms. Being the anchor means that you keep your notifications on and respond. If someone joins a server and no one is there to greet them, then they usually bail. Being there for people all of my waking day was rewarding, and I met a ton of cool people. It was also exhausting. Transfolk deal with some heavy stuff on the daily. I used to be called Mom a lot. I resisted the label of Mom, because all of those folks had mothers who carried and delivered them. I prefer Aunty Kitty. I am that weird aunt, the one who will let you stay up late. The type of aunt you can tell anything to, and it will be kept in the strictest of confidence. I also like people, and I like to chat.

I used to like to chat

Recently, I have been overwhelmed trying to keep up with the Discord server I created. I am burned out. Trans babies need a lot of love and compassion. They need someone to tell them that everything will be ok. I could do that. I don’t lie to anyone. I have been called abrupt, I prefer to think of it as direct.

I decided that I would leave the server for a bit. The problem was, I owned the server, so leaving wasn’t an option unless I found someone to transfer it to. I have four wonderful admins in my server. They all write for Medium and you should definitely check them out. Jen Waterman, Jenny Starr✨, locke besse, and 💜 Victoria Quinn 💜. I transferred it to Jenny Starr. She was the one best suited to lead the team. I want to still steer trans babies to the server, now named Transpire. I’ll provide a link at the end.

I have been in transition since December 3, 2016. I have done a fair amount of work, and I hope to assimilate at some point. I pass most days, and I have friends and, I want to get involved in women’s causes. For three years and three months, I have been in a transgender bubble. I think about it, and I read about it, and I talk about it. I am trans-exhausted. I just want to focus on my life as a woman and not think about being transgender every minute of every day.

So, for now, I am taking a Discord chatroom break. I just want to have conversations about life stuff and not so much about transgender stuff. I was talking to a friend of mine about the path ahead for me. He was confused at the point of all of this work. I told him that in five years I will have completed my transition to become a woman. He asked me “Then what?”

I said “live.”

That is all I want to do, live a boring life much like many cis women. I am actually pulling it off. My friend dumped me shortly after that conversation. He dumped me, and the irony is that he dates transngirls. I guess his internalized transphobia got the better of him. I have decent results from hormone therapy, laser, and electrolysis. I have practiced makeup and have a date to help my cis friend with her makeup after she graduates from college. I have had compliments on my makeup. I am living as a woman.

Chat rooms are a pressure cooker of transgender angst and triumph. I feel a fair amount of guilt about leaving those babies behind. They are in really good hands; I got very lucky with this group. I am writing again, I feel instantly less stressed, and I am much calmer. Imagine watching one channel all of the time. The all transwoman show, on the all trans network. Exclusively trans non-stop. Its exhausting.

What I am doing is perfectly natural and almost all transfolk fade from chat the closer to their goal they get. The kids that I found in chatbrooms have become the people they aspired to be. I drop them a note from time to time and, and they tell Aunty Kitty about their boyfriends and medical procedures. I love those people.

I will likely return to lurk in chat at some point. I just need some time and space to become the woman I was meant to be. There is no escaping that I am transgender. That won't ever change. Can I just forget about being trans from time to time, please?

The really cool server that is perfect for trans babies is here

Love, Kitty