Trans Guys Can Be Gay

Gender identity is not related to sexuality

What I found most surprising after I came out as transgender, were how many people immediately asked me this question:

“So, you’re into women now?”

That question always brings my brain to a screeching halt. I have always been attracted to men, and I’ve only ever been in relationships with men. Never have I expressed attraction to women (sorry ladies). Yet, as soon as I identified as a man, everyone who knew me, even close friends, wondered if I was now going to start dating women.

Gender ≠ Sexuality

Let’s get one thing straight (pun intended), a person’s gender identity or expression has no bearing on their sexuality. However, there is often some confusion around labels when someone transitions their gender.

When I was still presenting as female, albeit a tomboyish one, I was viewed as straight because I exclusively dated men (and even married one). Since everyone I knew saw me as straight, somehow in their minds I would remain straight when transitioning to male, which meant I would then start to date women instead.

I can see the logic in their thinking, but that’s not how sexuality works. It’s not inherently tied to your gender. It’s incorrect to assume that if someone is straight, they must always be straight. My transitioning also doesn’t mean I woke up one day, and either felt like or decided ‘hey, I feel like changing into a man today!’ This is something that’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Far longer than I had words to describe it.

So, yes, even when I was with all my ex-boyfriends and my late husband, I was still a transgender man. Although I wasn’t entirely out, even to myself. So, while the world viewed me as straight, I was always a gay transgender man.

Transition is not an agenda

Some people argue that transgender women only transition to invade lesbian spaces, just to trick lesbians into having sex with them. They also argue that transgender men only transition because of internalized lesbophobia. The irony of that contradiction seems lost on the people making those arguments.

Based on that flawed logic, I must have transitioned in order to invade gay spaces. In fact, I’ve even seen that argument crop up whenever a transgender man reminds people that some of us are attracted to men. So, if we aren’t failed lesbians, then we must be like our transgender female counterparts and have some gay fetish fantasy we’re trying to live out.

Transgender people are accused of having an agenda when we’re merely trying to feel more comfortable in our own skin. I think it’s remarkable to be accused in such a way by people who are ultimately making our transition all about them when it has nothing to do with them.

They latch on to a few whacked out individuals, like Jessica Yaniv, and apply all their bad behavior to our entire community. That would be like ascribing the behavior of someone like Jeffrey Dahmer to every blond, white man.

Labels are Imprecise

One of the problems when you throw all the varieties of gender, especially the non-binary ones, into the mix, the labels gay and lesbians don’t always fit. So, what can we use instead? Personally, I like to use the term androsexual to describe my sexuality. The word means being attracted to men exclusively. That cuts out the confusion, regardless of my gender identity or expression. The binary alternative to that would be gynesexual or being attracted to women exclusively. Thankfully, bisexual and pansexual still make sense, regardless of a person’s gender identity.

I know there are some people out there who would love to do away with labels altogether, but some of us cling to our labels. Labels make it easier to share things about yourself. Saying ‘I’m gay,’ is easier than saying, ‘I’m a man who is exclusively attracted to men.’

However, some people have a difficult enough time wrapping their mind around a biologically born man being attracted to another biologically born man. Throw an array of gender identities and expressions into the mix, and that can really throw some people for a loop.

So, while I somewhat understand why people outside of the LGBTQ community might get confused and not understand that transgender men can also be gay, it still always surprises me. So, in case I haven’t made this abundantly clear: yes, I identify as a man, and yes, I’m gay.