WHY TRUST THE PROCESS?
Track Your Order with TMI Shipping Alerts!
Follow your package every damn step of the way!
Tuesday, July 12th 8:59 am: Your Order Has Been Received by TMI Shipping!
Wow. That means Carol is in the office on time for once. Maybe last week’s written warning was her wake-up call, figuratively and literally. It’s rumored that she stays up too late watching old episodes of Breaking Bad. As long as Carol’s not researching how to set up her own meth lab, how she chooses to spend her downtime is her business. We’ll be processing your order soon!
Tuesday, July 12th 2:35 pm: Your Order is Being Processed!
This stage is a bit of a crapshoot. Dave is now heading towards our warehouse in his quest to find your item. He’s quite the joker. Sometimes, he wears an Indiana Jones costume pretending to be on an adrenaline-fueled hunt for a rare archeological artifact. He used to even carry a whip, until the “Janice in Collections incident” when she received quite a nasty welt on her upper arm flab.
Tuesday, July 12th 5:23 pm: Wow! Your Order is Still Being Processed!
To be honest, we don’t know what Dave’s playing at. He does get easily distracted. A few months ago, he arranged a “Guess How Many Packing Peanuts Are In The Box” contest. Entrants had to pay $5 per guess, with the closest guesser winning $100. Margaret in HR won, which seemed a bit suspect because the sexual misconduct complaint against Dave mysteriously disappeared soon after.
Thursday, July 14th 9:45 am: Great News! Your Order Has Been Processed!
We have officially filed a missing person’s report about Dave. Our Warehouse Manager, Frank, thinks he may have taken an alcohol-induced nap in a large packing box and could now be in a shipping container heading to Venezuela. While Indy was finally getting the adventure he’s been seeking, Susan found your item and has placed it on our state-of-the-art, circa 1978, conveyor belt system.
Thursday, July 14th 4:45 pm: Your Order is On The Move!
Martin, our Warehouse Supervisor, has just logged that your item is still traveling on our conveyor belt. We’re not sure how many laps it’s completed, but we like to pretend it’s enjoying the ride. Debbie in Returns once got trapped on a malfunctioning rollercoaster in Wild Adventure Fun Land. She hit the loop de loop 97 times before they finally managed to switch the power off. During conversations, she often rolls her eyes, which may be a side effect of her ordeal.
Friday, July 15th 11:16 am: Your Order Has Moved Even Further!
That’s right! Chris, our forklift driver has plucked your package from obscurity with his bare hands. In fact, his knuckles are so hairy, you could say, “with his bear hands.” He has heroically placed your package into one of our trucking dispatch bins. Sometimes, he throws it in really hard because he also acts as our Pest Control Director — if he can kill two rats with one package, then he’s ahead of the game!
Monday, July 18th 2:11 pm: Amazing! Your Order Has Shipped!
Well, we say “shipped,” but we all know we mean, “trucked”. Anyway, your slightly rat-nibbled package is now being driven by the almost-capable driver, “DUI Darren”. That’s obviously not his real name, but ever since he lost his job at Diageo Liquor & Wines for mysterious stock losses, his reputation has followed him around like an unlabeled package in his truck. It could be worse though. Thank your lucky stars your package isn’t on the road with “Sleep-it-off Steve”. There was no Overnight Delivery option with that guy, so we had to let him go.
Tuesday, July 19th 4:15 pm: Get excited! Your Order Has Arrived at Our Dispatch Center!
As soon as the misunderstanding between DUI Darren and the alleged prostitute at the trucker stop had been resolved, he was on his way and made it to our Dispatch Center, investigation pending. Our Dispatch Team has now placed your package on our state-of-the art conveyor belt, circa 1986, and it’s quickly creeping its way to our local trucking fleet. Since losing our negligence lawsuits with both UPS and FedEx, we prefer to use our new partners, Wiley Trucking Freight (WTF). As soon as they’ve received your package, we’ll let you know!
Wednesday, July 20th 7:28 pm: Fantastic News! Your Package Has Been Dispatched!
There’s a strong chance your package may be delivered by “Sleep-it-off Steve”. Since we terminated his employment, he changed his name to Sam and got a job with our partners, WTF, so technically, your package is now with “Sleep-it-off Sam”. But, so far, so good! According to our GPS, he made a brief 7-hour stop and he’s currently moving at 95 mph to get your goods to you ASAP! Fortunately, he knows where all of the police speed traps are due to his former life as an alleged getaway driver. He was encouraged to change that career path when he was the only one not to get away during a bank heist in the vicinity of where he was parked. To this day, he claims to be innocent of any wrongdoing and he was only wearing a ski mask to feel like a racing driver.
Thursday, July 21st 10:28 am: Oopsie! We Had to Cancel Your Order!
We regret to inform you that your order was canceled by a vehicular fireball plummeting into a ravine only two miles from your home address. If you’d like to reorder “Maxi-Café Coffee Filter Medium” again, please return to our website and click on “Replacement Order,” or you can apply for a full refund by filling out our 52-page claims form. Thank you again for shopping with us!
Monday, August 15th 5:15 pm: Your Order Update!
Just in case you were wondering, Dave “Indiana” Jones from our warehouse has been “Returned to Sender” and is currently doing well on a life-support machine at St. Vincent’s Hospital. He managed to survive by consuming one dead rodent and a handful of packing peanuts.