Toxic Tips from A Hispanic Mother

In celebration of International Women’s Day, let’s take a step back and remember the toxic advice our Latin mothers told us…

My mother is first-generation Puerto Rican and Cuban. Most of her advice has been enmeshed in gender inequality and toxicity, and religious sexual shame. Though I did not know it at the time.

Their tips were the rules and commandments to being the proper woman.

Life experiences, education, and therapy reversed a lot of the harmful perceptions instilled in me at a young age.

And though my mother no longer follows some of the rules and tips below, I believe it’s still important to acknowledge where we came from.

In celebration of International Women’s Day, I’d like to take a step back from the progression we have made in the United States and illustrate the sort of advice given by women in the past — particularly my Hispanic mother.

Men Will Never Marry a Fat Woman

My entire life, my mother had always picked at my weight. It started when I was 9 and continued until I moved out of her home at 21. Keep in mind, I’d never been obese or severely overweight. But, I was certainly never skinny.

At 16, I was 5'6 and 156–160 pounds, which put me around 10–15 pounds above what I should have been. I know this because my mother had me step on a scale often to verify it. She would then tell my boyfriend my weight, believing the shame would motivate me.

Evidently, control around the body and food is not a new concept. Shows like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Mad Men present women constantly nitpicking at their daughter’s weight, for fear they wouldn’t find a husband.

When it comes to Latin mothers, the girls eat too much and the boys don’t eat enough.

At 16, riding home from school one day, my mother asked me to lift up a cheap, metal necklace I was wearing around my neck. It had left a bright, green rash where the necklace had pressed against the skin.

“Oh my god!” She gasped. “You are getting that mark around your neck that fat people get!”

The mark my mother was talking about is called acanthosis nigricans which occurs in severely obese people who have struggled for years with medical conditions like diabetes.

Clenching my jaw, I calmly unclasped my necklace and held it up to show her that the mark came from cheap, dollar-store jewelry.

“Oh,” Mother wiped the imaginary sweat off of her forehead and kept her eyes focused on the road.

“It’s just that I’m worried. I want you to be happy and find a good man. No good man will ever marry a fat woman.”

An eating disorder was born and I found myself at 10 pounds underweight at 118 pounds before my 18th birthday.

According to this CNN article, body image and the perception of the ideal shape for a woman have changed throughout history depending on the culture. Women push body types that reflected beauty during their time.

At 30, I find myself around 150 pounds again and I noticed men like my curves and the extra benefits that come with them. So, who I was dieting for?

Men Will Never Marry a Used Woman

“Men will not marry women who are used,” Ma repeated again and again and again.

By this, she meant a woman who is not a virgin.

Growing up Catholic with a strictly religious mother of her own, it would make sense for my mom to hold onto the same belief.

Although from my experience, men do not care as long as I am not openly running around with different men in their social circle.

Despite me being, “damaged goods,” Men have still asked me to marry them. Men have asked me to move in with them. Men have asked me to have their children.

Yet, not one man has ever said anything like, “How many men have you been with? 0 right? I am your first partner at 27, right?”

In our modern society, most men assume that women have some experience and accept it. In fact, on Thought Catalog, 20 Guys answered they would prefer the women have some experience. The women are less tense and more open-minded.

Although I would still never openly spout out my history to anyone, I no longer have to lie and say that I am half a virgin in order to secure a husband.

Men Prefer Passive Women (AKA subservient women)

“Even though my best friend was pretty and extroverted,” Ma started off one day, “Men always preferred me because I was quieter.”

In my opinion, I believe either her friend had an obnoxious personality or these men saw a passive, young girl in my mother — one they could take advantage of.

Either way, my mother often implied men do not like women who talk too much. They prefer quiet and passive. According to this article, they don’t.

For many, many years I assumed if I remained quiet at a party and glued myself against the wallpaper, men would come buzzing around me like fruit flies to a banana.

And in a sense, they did. However, it was for all of the wrong reasons. These men saw a passive girl they could easily take advantage of. They saw an insecure child eager to please anyone. They saw someone who wouldn’t speak up if they were controlled or abused.

Often the men were disappointed when I refused to do what they wanted (did I mention I was 13?).

In fact, this passivity landed me in my first romantic relationship — a volatile one ingrained in physical and psychological abuse.

“You see? Men don’t take you seriously because you talk too much,” Ma has said over and over throughout my lifetime.

Things happen to me because I was not passive enough.

Settle Down Early, Men Won’t Find You Attractive When You’re Older

Ma still holds resentment over the fact that I refused to settle down when I was 20 when a handsome boy from a wealthy family had asked me to marry him. 10 years later, she still holds this over my head.

After I left him, she repeated a variation of lines like, “It’s going to be slim pickings when you get older. Men won’t find you attractive. You’re going to regret it.”

My age has had nothing to do with my relationships. In fact, most of the issues I have had with dating have come from dating young, immature men. The more I grow emotionally and intellectually, the better my partner choices have become (nowhere near perfect, of course).

Age has absolutely nothing to do with someone’s overall attraction to you.

At least until I turned 30. The dial on the clock turned to midnight and I watched the ugliness before my eyes unfold in the mirror. My face melted and morphed into the Picasso painting portraying the Weeping Woman, my nose grew 10 feet long, and 80 pounds of fur exploded throughout my body.

At 30, I became a hideous beast. And nobody ever looked at me again.

In Conclusion

Most women have been given tips and advice by their mothers that did not age well. Our parents are repeating advice given to them by their own parents and mentors, believing it would set us on a successful path in life.

And, we cannot really hold resentment on advice that reflected a different generation — one created to serve men.

My mother — just as hers — has changed a lot over the years. The beliefs she held above were learned from her mother, who learned them from her mother. Neither of us holds these same beliefs today. However, it took years of experience and learning to alter these perceptions.

Part of International Woman’s Day should be celebrating how much women, young and old, have progressed over the years. Our way of thinking, our actions, and our acceptance should be celebrated.

Best of all, let’s celebrate the fact that we no longer listen to our mother’s advice.

If you enjoyed reading this article, I would suggest Yana Bostongirl’s Article It’s Not Easy Trying to Unlearn Things You Were Made to Believe is Truth.