avatarBerna A.

Summary

The article "Toxic Positivity Has Got To Go" critiques the harmful effects of excessive and dismissive positivity that invalidates genuine human emotions and experiences.

Abstract

The author of the article expresses frustration with "toxic positivity," a phenomenon where individuals dismiss negative emotions and difficult situations by forcing an overly optimistic perspective. This approach, the author argues, is unhealthy for mental health as it denies the natural human need to process a range of emotions, including sadness and anger. The article emphasizes that true positivity should be grounded in acceptance and allowance of all feelings, rather than avoidance or denial. The author illustrates the concept with personal experiences, such as a neighbor's dismissive response to a power outage in freezing weather, and provides examples of how toxic positivity can be condescending and unhelpful. The piece concludes by advocating for genuine optimism that supports personal growth and empathetic interactions over superficial and potentially harmful positivity.

Opinions

  • Toxic positivity is detrimental to mental health as it suppresses the natural process of dealing with negative emotions.
  • Acceptance and processing of emotions are crucial for personal growth, rather than avoiding them with forced positivity.
  • True optimism is believable and uplifting, as it acknowledges reality and offers meaningful support.
  • Toxic positivity can be seen in phrases like "everything happens for a reason," which can trivialize a person's struggles and grief.
  • The author believes that it's important to allow individuals to go through their emotional processes at their own pace, rather than imposing a quick fix with positivity.
  • Toxic positivity is dismissive and can make the recipient feel worse, undermining their concerns and experiences.
  • Genuinely positive people are attractive and helpful, as opposed to those who spread toxic positivity, who may be avoided by others.
  • The author suggests that if one cannot offer meaningful support, it may be better to say nothing at all.
  • The article suggests that optimism should not hinder progress or the ability to find better solutions to problems.
  • The author's personal encounters with toxic positivity, particularly from a neighbor, have led to a desire to avoid such interactions and to seek out truly optimistic individuals instead.

Toxic Positivity Has Got To Go

A rant on the negatively positives out there

Photo by Ernie A. Stephens on Unsplash

Toxic positivity is a thing. Unless if you’ve been living in a cave or under a rock somewhere, I’m sure you’ve experienced it multiple times. You’ve probably been forced to believe the words by being told that if you don’t, you’re bad, you don’t get it, you’re somehow spiritually less, or you’re just blah.

It takes away the very human need to temporarily just be sad or angry. It serves to avoid any negative feeling, and that is not healthy for our mental health. Recognizing, accepting, processing and moving on is the healthy cycle. Denial and avoidance doesn’t help us grow, it makes us pretend.

We focus on NOT experiencing something rather than accepting it. Not healthy, not even in the terms of any spiritual teacher I’ve heard. Check with the gurus that many of these people pretend to follow — from Buddha to Michael Singer to Eckhart Tolle to Mooji to The Stoics and they all have acceptance and allowing as common concepts.

We’re all humans, and we all have the right to feel bad every now and then. We all grow by experiencing our pains and losses. Not by avoiding them.

Negativity lets us know that something is out of whack between what we’re experiencing and what our expectations, desires, beliefs, etc. are and we need to adjust. That is a spiritual journey for people to take on their own time, and it’s not my intention to write about how or anything. I’m working to learn myself.

When true positivity in the form of optimism comes out, it’s good. It’s believable, uplifting, and most importantly meaningful. It’s not a string of your favorite words glued together.

IC: Mario Rodriguez/Aggie

Even the all too common everything happens for a reason when used to console somebody can be infuriating. It implies that the person is unable to see the good. While there might be a silver lining at the end, it’s the person’s job to go through the process and discover, not be left wondering what they’re missing and what’s wrong with them for hurting so much.

The reason I wanted to write this story is because recently I was subjected to it, again, by my neighbor Ms. Pollyanna Roper. It was -5C/28F outside. We’d lost power, and hence heat, and I was texting with the homeowner (we’re renting for the year, another story) and Ms. Pollyanna about how we might be able to bypass the “smart” hookup thermostat to fire-up the propane heat. Her response? “I’m so happy we have running water!”

A prime example, to me, of toxic positivity. I wasn’t sure if I should respond because I was about to say something very smart assy, and wasn’t going to be nice. I didn’t send it. Her comment took my effort to try and work out a solution and shoved it under the 5ft snow in the backyard!

Can you imagine our ancestors having the same discussions? Hey honey, the fire is almost out by the tent out here, but thankfully we have water, I don’t need to try and get it going!

Wilma! The rock looks like it’s cracking! Don’t worry Fred we got water!

So thanks to my Ms. Pollyanna Roper neighbor here are other examples that readily come to mind:

  • Even the sun is out today! (following a tremendous storm where we almost lost the front of the house and another neighbor almost got a boat smash into theirs. It took about a week to dig out. But hey the sun was out why be worried.)
  • No need to be sad, at least you had a dog. (just after I had to say goodbye to my Dali, at a time when I was strongly overwhelmed by grief.)
  • At least I can hear them! (when neighbors 4 doors down had fireworks every night starting at 11pm after July 4th, that made it feel like we were all going to get launched into the air.)

They need to go. They need to go because they mean nothing. They don’t help you. They pacify. And if the powers of creation know anything, we need not another pacifier.

Her attempt at positivity made me feel bad because it made it sound like I was complaining when she didn’t have a care in the world. Sorry but I’m going to want to be sure I have a way to get heat going when the power is out at below freezing temperatures. Her comment made the home owner completely dismiss the discussion. To him, it’s resolved for now, so he doesn’t want to worry about it. But I do, I lose sleep over it. It’s not like we’re in a city, or even near one, if we lose power, we’re in the boonies, and our roads are unreliable. Acting as if we don’t care, doesn’t make the issue any less real.

That is not optimism, that is toxic positivity because it doesn't help us move forward towards a goal, it causes you to ignore/avoid a problem, it stops progress and our ability to find a better way.

It immobilizes us. It demeans the person you’re responding to with whatever you think your intention might be. It’s dismissive. It’s pointless.

While we work to keep our optimism, we can be sure that it doesn’t stagger our progress. We can be sure we help move the progress forward.

It makes the person doubt themselves. True optimism never makes a person feel bad or think less of themselves.

I now look around before I walk out. Whatever it takes so I don’t run into Mrs. Roper. I just look down, read my phone or whatever, so I don’t look at her direction before getting to my door.

It’s condescending at best. When you say “chin-up” or “tears are for babies and losers” it demeans the person, it’s you asserting your superiority to others. Any good intent you had is lost on that person.

It makes people want to avoid you. You know you’re spreading toxic positivity when people are trying to avoid you. Genuinely optimistic and positive people are attractive, they pull people in. I find myself wanting to speak with them, wanting to hear what they’d have to say.

I wish I could be as optimistic as those few that I know. I don’t try to avoid them and make sure I don’t mention things. I seek their company.

Please stop the toxic positivity just like any other toxic thing. I hope to see it fizz up and disappear. Optimism, to an optimist, comes naturally. It’s not what we want to pretend is natural to us. The people you’re interacting with can tell.

I’m not saying we’re all out dwelling on the bad in life, but we all need to face what’s going on in our lives in the way that we need to. If you don’t like somebody’s energy, or what’s happening, stay quiet.

If you can’t find anything meaningful to say — then it’s probably best you don’t. It’s ok to say: I’m not sure what to say, I’m here for you, and leave it at that. I’d really rather that she’d stay quiet rather than offer an off-handed and unwanted remark about the stories she’s telling herself. It doesn’t make sense to all of us.

Ok, rant over.

I might just start a “Dear Neighbor” series soon to capture these run-ins.

Toxic Positivity
Self Improvement
Storyofmylife
Humor
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