Toxic People’s Greatest Hits: 50 Hilariously Absurd Things They Say

Find amusement in toxicity with 50 humorous phrases from the world of toxic individuals.

Toxic people often drop phrases that are so outrageous they circle back to being funny, especially when you see them for what they are: attempts to control, belittle, or manipulate. Here are 50 humorous phrases you might hear from someone toxic that could make you chuckle when you strip them of their venom:

1. “I’m not bossy; I just have better ideas.”
2. “I’m not short-tempered; I just have a quick reaction to stupidity.”
3. “You’re lucky to even know someone as amazing as me.”
4. “I’m not a mind reader. But if I were, I’d be bored by your thoughts.”
5. “I’m a perfectionist; that’s why I can’t stand your mistakes.”
6. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
7. “If I could clone myself, I would — then I wouldn’t need you.”
8. “I’m not arrogant; I’m just better than you.”
9. “Why would I lie? I’m practically perfect in every way.”
10. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful; hate me because I’m smarter than you.”
11. “I forgive you for not being as awesome as me.”
12. “You’re not useless; you can always serve as a bad example.”
13. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
14. “I’m not trying to be difficult; it just comes naturally.”
15. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
16. “I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
17. “It’s not you, it’s me… I just don’t like you.”
18. “I’m not sarcastic; I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
19. “Everyone brings joy to this room. Some when they enter, and you when you leave.”
20. “Why should I apologize? I’m never wrong.”
21. “You’re not a complete idiot; some parts are clearly missing.”
22. “I would love to insult you, but you wouldn’t understand.”
23. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right and you’re wrong.”
24. “I’m not stubborn; my way is just better, and you’ll realize that eventually.”
25. “I’m not ignoring you; I’m just giving you time to reflect on your insignificance.”
26. “I’m not a control freak; I just know what you should be doing.”
27. “I’d say ‘nice to meet you,’ but then I’d be lying.”
28. “I’m really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.”
29. “I’m not high maintenance; I’m just a luxury you can’t afford.”
30. “I’m not manipulative; I just like to make all decisions for everyone, for their own good.”
31. “Who needs friends when you can have servants?”
32. “I don’t need anger management; everyone else needs tolerance training.”
33. “I’m not a gossip; I’m a news enthusiast.”
34. “I don’t burn bridges; I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.”
35. “You didn’t annoy me; you inspired my facial expression.”
36. “I’m not a diva; I’m just high maintenance for a good reason.”
37. “I’m not rude; I just have the guts to say what everyone else is thinking.”
38. “You’re not a mistake; you’re a learning experience.”
39. “I don’t have an ego; I’m just too awesome to be humble.”
40. “I don’t hold grudges; I remember facts.”
41. “I don’t have time for you unless you’re useful to me.”
42. “I didn’t listen to you; I just gave you a chance to talk.”
43. “You’re not special; you’re a limited edition disaster.”
44. “I’m not passive-aggressive; I’m just polite when I want to strangle you.”
45. “I’m not condescending; I’m just too intelligent for you to comprehend.”
46. “I don’t have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.”
47. “Your opinion mattered to me…never.”
48. “I don’t create drama; drama creates me.”
49. “I don’t have haters; I have fans in denial.”
50. “You’re not out of touch; you’re just vintage.”

Take these remarks with a grain of salt — or better yet, with a laugh. If you can laugh at the outrageous things toxic people say, you’re closer to not letting their words get under your skin.