Toxic Femininity: Ladies, We Need To Talk

Time to fess up — femininity has a dark side too.

We’ve all heard the phrase “toxic masculinity” thrown around. Think aggressive, dominant behavior: Objectifying, catcalling, mansplaining, heck — even man-spreading. Trust me, I’ll be one of the first to call these out.

But what about the reverse side: toxic femininity — is it a thing?

Although there’s still a way to go, more women than ever are bagging those high-level degrees, jobs, and positions of power. But I can’t help but notice that instead of sharing a sisterly bond of pride and celebration as our foremothers may have hoped, we often look at our high achieving ladies with a paranoid and jealousy-steeped side-eye.

Just as in the past (and indeed to some extent, still today) women competed for male attention with the goal of “marrying well,” they now seem to do the same — but for the attention of a boss, a professor, or a client. The motivation may have evolved, but the method has not.

This intrinsic envy for other women and the immediate comparison many of us do subconsciously — Is she more attractive? More qualified? More charming? — creates a toxic work or academic environment for all involved.

What is Toxic Femininity?

Toxic femininity is essentially our defensive response to a long-standing threat of failure, under-appreciation, or fervent urge to prove ourselves over our male peers — likely passed down over generations. Although this insecurity may seem greater to some than others, many of us react to high pressure by resenting the women around us — who are actually fighting the same battles.

You know, that girl you knew back at school (everyone knew at least one) who gossiped, laughed at others behind their back, seemed overly concerned with popularity, and even engaged in a little back-stabbing to put others back in their place? Well, that “mean girl” trope, unfortunately, doesn’t end once you graduate.

Though it may not be the same perpetrator each time, you can guarantee that wherever you find yourself, you will find her— or rather she will find you. And although it may hurt to accept it, even you may not be immune to acting out in this way.

Toxic Femininity in the Workplace

There is admittedly a lot of discussion now around making workplaces better for women, but it’s not just toxic masculinity we should be stamping out. It may be an inconvenient truth for some, but women can be aggressors too, particularly against their fellow females. In fact, women are 14% to 21% more likely than men to report experiencing “uncivil” treatment from female co-workers.

However, we often hesitate to speak as openly about toxic femininity as its infamous masculine counterpart, so as not to reinforce the negative stereotypes about women being petty or worse still…“bitchy”. But with over 70% of women now admitting to feeling bullied by their female colleagues, it’s about time we talk about the issue.

Toxic Femininity: The Telltale Signs

• Passive aggression — think eye-rolling, patronizing comments, fake laughing and niceties, smiley faces following a harsh-worded email, the list goes on.
• Sabotage — lying for personal gain, giving misleading advice, mocking others for their work or decisions, manipulating situations to come out on top and make others look bad.
• Jealousy, resentment, and bitterness towards other women for their looks, popularity, achievements, or lifestyle.
• Shaming or judging other women (even if only internally) for being too sexualized, not sexualized enough, too confident, not confident enough, too fat, too thin, etc.

Toxic Femininity: Looking Deeper

But why is this toxic behavior so rampant?

Essentially, women prefer to attack other women at work because of how society is structured. Women have traditionally targeted each other in personal contexts — you have the mother-in-law trope, the fake best friend, the classic sister rivalry, and so on.

We are led to believe that female-to-female relationships are doomed to be catty, perpetuating this unfortunate stereotype as though we are programmed to do so.

But whether at home, at work, or in a social setting, this kind of insidious passive-aggression is often difficult to call out, since it often operates under the sweet and smiley cover of feigned niceness.

So once identified, should we shun these supposedly “toxic” women. Wouldn’t that mean playing a role in the toxicity ourselves?

We must bear in mind that toxic femininity comes from a place of long-term societal conditioning and deep insecurity. We are all just trying to get ahead and make our mark in an often-challenging world that has lingering gender biases.

Past hurdles can make others appear to be nothing more than competitors, standing in the way of our own recognition and success. But we must all get past this way of thinking to better support each other.

Are we “bad feminists” for calling this out?

I would actually argue the opposite.

Feminism isn’t about claiming that women can do no wrong, but about the equality and empowerment of all. And so, women putting other women down goes against feminism’s very core. Especially since this issue seems to stem from insecurities over the very same gender inequalities that feminism is fighting.

When women in competitive environments turn against each other rather than being mutually proud that against all the odds, they both made it — it really is rather sad.

We can do better!

Toxic Femininity: Some Final Thoughts

Once we realize that success is not a limited resource and that we can support and empower the women around us without our own flame diminishing — in fact, the opposite is true — then we can begin to ensure more supportive working environments and healthier female relationships.

Do women generally face more obstacles to rise to the top?

Unfortunately, yes.

Are women generally less aggressive and direct than men?

This is, not always, but often the case.

But, at the risk of conforming too tightly to gender stereotypes, women tend to be particularly prone to destructive, sabotaging and passive-aggressive behavior when they feel threatened or insecure. It’s simply how we have been conditioned in this society. We are led to believe that this is how to be ambitious and competitive — but it’s not the only way.

Let’s be clear — it’s not the fierce determination and putting ourselves first that I am criticizing — that definitely can stay (and we could actually do with a great deal more of it.) However, when this thirst for success sours into pushing other women out of your way — then it’s time to take a step back.