Toxic Families & Emotional Abuse (I)

What happens behind closed doors …

As a survivor of Hidden Abuse from Toxic Family members, I have struggled with what I am feeling before, during, after, and after, and after and after experiences of psychological abuse — I repeat ‘after,’ because it is truly unimaginable, unnatural, unbearable, incomprehensible, and nearly impossible to have to learn to truly accept that your family is unhealthy and unsafe…

Through my journey I have read many wonderful articles, books, references, studies, etc. and spoken with several wonderful professionals in order to find help, answers and understanding in an effort to try and figure out over and over, again and again that I Am NOT Crazy -that what happened was intentional, purposeful, tactful, hidden, and cruel.

Learning how to set boundaries was something I had never done before. Standing-up for myself and those boundaries was one of the hardest things I have ever done, learning to love myself enough to go ‘no-contact’ was a feat I couldn’t have ever imagined I would need to take with anyone (let alone family and people I thought were my closest ‘friends.’), and healing during/after everything felt not only impossible but also inconceivable.

With God in my heart, my husband by my side, and a will to live a happier and healthier life, I survived.

Because of God’s presence in and throughout my life, educating myself continuously, reminding myself of why I needed to do what I was doing, and finding Joy whenever, wherever, and however possible, I have become stronger and more confident in my decisions -but it still is an everyday struggle that only a survivor, or someone extremely close to one, can begin to understand.

In a toxic family there exists a paradigm or understanding of each person’s role — some are possibly quite aware of and active in their role while others might be pawns enacting the desires of the leader(s) knowingly unknowingly directly or indirectly upon the often unsuspecting innocent target (victim and hopeful survivor)…

In her book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas (LCSW), discuses this as well as a 6 step strategy to overcoming this type of trauma — one I just started reading, and I can tell it is the exact book I need right now to help me overcome my next hurdle in my personal healing journey.

Although I am not ready to divulge details, I do want to spread awareness about emotional & psychological abuse because I do feel it is a tragedy that is greatly affecting the health, happiness, vitality, quality, and so much more of so many people, and the ripple effect is widespread.

I fear we are becoming more unwell, more anxious and dis-eased as well as diseased, more distressed, less balanced, more unstable, less trusting loving accepting and kind, more secluded, etc., and if we do not create awareness in order to promote change, more and more people will be hurt and that ripple will become larger and perhaps overlap other ripples…who knows the consequences…

Leaning on God for strength and understanding, he led me to scriptures, thoughtful epiphanies, and serendipitous people, events, videos, etc. always reminding me of His Love for me — every time, reminding me of His plan and purpose in my life as well as having every ‘right’ to walk away from those who cause me harm.

It is through knowing Him that I can see He wants good things for me, and sometimes with strife comes growth. Even though I believe He would never have me struggle through what seems like insurmountable pain and anguish, I do believe that good does come out of the ashes. Suffering is often our greatest teacher, and because of what I have been through (the good and the bad), I know I am becoming the person He wants and needs me to be. Through my struggles, my faith and character have grown stronger.

I am in no way trying to ‘make light’ of or condone what I have been through, or ‘make allowance’ for what others have done; however, I do see value in learning and growing through our transgressions and taking whatever positive I can — it is because of what I have been through that I strongly desire to hopefully reach and help more people through their own trauma so that they may begin to heal, because I personally understand the challenge that they are going through.

Any ‘toxic’ relationship is harmful, unhealthy, and intolerable in any multitude of ways; however, I cannot help but think that the Toxic Family Group Dynamic is so very detrimental, aaaand if one thinks about it, sets us up for additional toxic relationships in which we are perfectly designed victims for other abusers -like a sick breeding farm or something.

On one hand these personalities do not like to share, but on the other it seems like they might also thrive on doing so because it keeps their victims at a constant disadvantage and state of confusion — like the game monkey in the middle. Even if they are not ‘actively’ working together, it in no doubt can be highly beneficial for them to deplete and refill the various tanks of the victim(s).

As much as I think society likes to imply, or even teach and preach, that the Parent to child relationship is ‘stronger’ or ‘harder’ to let go of… I strongly disagree and believe, through personal experience as well as research witnessing and constant observation, that the Child to parent relationship is actually the more challenging bond. Of course, there are always exceptions; however, please keep an open mind. Think about it and I am sure you can understand how that actually makes sense — I could easily take over this article with this one topic alone. Think about how many children truly and unconditionally love their parents, make excuses for one or both of their parents, idolize them, trust them beyond measure and without hesitation…

Think about how often children go back to unfit parents of any kind hoping beyond hope to finally ‘be enough.’

Think about how long that stays with a child even after a parent has passed — Just ask a therapist.

Think about how relationships with a parent (or both) often shapes future relationships -often unhealthy ones, unfortunately, and for any number of reasons but often times because we are still searching to be truly loved accepted and supported by a parent who never gave us what we desperately needed (and it is a need -plenty of studies prove that -in fact, I hope to write another article soon) and wanted…

Why do most people wind up needing therapy? Seriously, just think about it…

Coming back, these Covert Aggressive, Psychopathic, Narcissistic, Sociopathic, Type B Personality Disorders, Energy vampires, etc. go by many names, but the important thing to know and understand is this: they are TOXIC Harmful Hurtful Cruel individuals (or group of individuals) who DO have an understanding of what they are doing to others and Choose NOT to STOP. Evidence supports this — personal and professional. As much as I want to have compassion for them, even though they have harmed me inexcusably and without cause or reason, I have to learn to understand that they will do to me what I allow.

As much as I want to help them, or ‘fix’ whatever I want to believe is wrong (with them — physically mentally emotionally nutritionally, etc. — our relationship, the world, or what-have-you), I can only control myself, my actions, how I change, how I react or respond, and how I choose to live my life…

As much as I might want to believe that they can change, that maybe there is just something wrong with their mental health; or, as much as I think I understand something about how/why they are the way they are… and make up any number of reasons and/or excuses for them, I NEED to Love & Protect myself (my inner child, my spirit, all the good within me) and anyone in my life that is ‘worth’ keeping (like my husband) from these people.

I am not doing my toxic family, colleagues, ‘friends,’ etc. any favors by allowing them to do what they do, I am only causing myself and others who care about me more detriment as well as possibly creating a negative ripple/domino effect that I do not want to be attached to.

At some point and to some level, I think we all choose our lives. I chose happiness.

I choose Joy and Love. I choose God and what I believe to be ‘right or best’ for myself and hopefully others, and the world, too.

Something I found myself saying to my husband, my therapist, and other survivors is that I wasn’t sure what was fact or fiction about my growing-up. There were so many lies, twists, games, and manipulations from multiple people, as well as their flying monkeys. This was true through my childhood weeeeell into adulthood.

It would have never ceased had I not shifted my family dynamic (paradigm) by creating boundaries that were constantly tested, betrayed, disrespected, etc., and essentially ‘forcing’ me to cut ties and enforce my threat of ‘no contact’. But ultimately, it was THEIR choices and actions of constant betrayal and harm reinforcing the need to have to ‘walk away.’ Who walked away ‘first’ is hard to say.

I feel that by not respecting me, my boundaries, not showing me love, patience, respect, understanding, etc., that they walked away too, or first even. I feel that by limiting their contact with me and performing the silent treatment, because I wasn’t ‘falling into line’, was them walking away.

My parents had almost no contact with me to the point that I could have had a child they never knew about even though we only lived one town over and I used to give them highly discounted and free massages!

They would leave manipulative ‘gift’ packages full of things I didn’t want or need or could eat in our hallway rather than even try to give them to me. A reminder that they still existed but that I wasn’t ‘worthy’.

That and so many other things hurt so immensely. I cannot even begin to explain. And still does. All because I did not and do not want to continue in this toxic family dynamic. I am still learning to accept that I did not and do not actually matter to them.

They can lie all they want to, to me to others to themselves even, but the truth is in their actions and in their inactions…

I have strived to ‘be the inspiration’ as well as to ‘be the change (I) wish to see in the world’. It is through life’s challenges, learning to love and believe in myself, as well as a strong sense of responsibility and desire to help others, in addition to a deep love of and trust in/of God, that I know I will find my way.

I hope, pray, and believe you will too. May God protect you, guide you, bless you, and show you the power and glory of His love for you and how special you are to Him.

***this has been gently updated and reformatted to fit your screen 😜 and made free on Medium as of February 2, 2024***

This is “W”HolisticNerd with hopefully many more creative ways to open your mind, increase your awareness and understanding, and possibly even enlighten you with information you never knew you didn’t know … or maybe you did ;p

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