Toxic Colleagues? Neutralize Them with a Parenting Trick

Poke a hole in the pacifier

Do you know the trick to weaning your toddler from the pacifier? According to a recent New York Times article, the answer lies in a simple technique used widely by parents looking to avoid Chernobyl at home.

Poke a hole in it.

Poking a hole removes the suction, and makes sucking the pacifier a rather unsatisfying experience for the child. So instead of engaging the toddler in a head-to-head conflict, which the toddler always wins, or avoidance, which only delays — this allows parents to flip the script. The toddler gets the pacifier (with the hole), but, suddenly, the pacifier sucks. The experience has been spoiled now that the suction is gone. Soon enough, the pacifier becomes a distant memory, replaced with more exciting opportunities.

This same parenting hack can help you neutralize a toxic friend or colleague.

Toxic colleagues can be very distressing — they frequently need way too much of your help, don’t respect your boundaries, often complain, and try to enmesh you into their personal problems. Eight out of 10 people lose productive time to worrying after an “incident” with a toxic coworker, and 63% of people lose time trying to avoid them. And right now, the best ideas we have for dealing with difficult people generally involve either attempting head-on confrontation or avoidance. Spoiler alert: neither works.

Confrontation with an emotionally unhealthy person generally doesn’t go well. You can expect adult tantrums, resentment, and more conflict. Avoidance also falls short, often sending the message that winning you over will be a challenge, and the toxic person should try harder.

And so, we still haven’t mainstreamed an effective system of dealing with coworkers or “friends” who are users, takers, exploiters, and energy drainers. Until now: enter modern parenting.

Your coworker who doesn’t respect boundaries and seeks out way too much help from other people has lit up your phone — at 9 pm — again. Much like the toddler, avoiding her, or letting her know you’re not available at this time doesn’t stop her from finding new times and ways to ask you for things. This time, it’s a document review. She’s looking for a deep dive, actionable feedback, detailed comments, and written-in suggestions on the doc. Try the poke-a-hole approach: agree to a review, but provide the kind of experience that won’t leave her thirsty for more of your help. Consider giving some high-level input: “This looks pretty good, maybe think about connecting with the audience more. But overall, not bad. Good luck!”

Mission accomplished. You’ve just established yourself as not the go-to for after-hours help. And the win is — you haven’t provoked a negative response, and you aren’t the enemy.

This deflation hack also works in social settings. An acquaintance of mine with a habit of regularly making requests of all sorts — big and small — recently demanded a favor: To teach her how to cook. My response: “Here’s the website I learned from, check it out!” Not quite the hands-on weekend workshop with walk-through and grocery shopping support that she was hoping for. But it did the trick. I’ve stopped receiving requests.

Gossip is another hot zone for the toxic colleague. Confrontation (telling them to stop), or moralizing will only invite conflict; while avoidance will only invite a chase. Instead, “poke-a-hole” in the pacifier by not engaging or reacting emotionally. Don’t validate, don’t show interest, don’t ask questions. Be boring AF. If you must speak to skirt awkwardness, an “it is what it is” should do it. Followed by, “I have a call. See you later!” No judgment, no animosity, just a super unrewarding interaction for the toxic colleague. It’s a win.

Finally — their personal issues. A toxic person will want to rope you in. Your advice, your emotional investment, and your energy feed them. Don’t let your fixer/ rescuer impulses get the better of you. They don’t want you to solve their problem; they want you to experience it with them. The goal is enmeshment, not a solution.

Instead of avoiding or confronting, try this: Show empathy, then deflect. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds hard. I’ll let you know if I come across any names of good life coaches. Sorry, wish there was something I could do.” This is the trickiest of the toxic person scenarios because it teeters on the blow-off, inviting you to feel guilty. But remember — we’re not talking about someone struggling who needs a shoulder to lean on. We’re talking about a beast of prey, unburdened by social principles like reciprocity, looking for an empath to ensnare.

Once you establish yourself as unavailable to fulfill unhealthy needs to anyone’s satisfaction, you’re free. Instagram had it right: “Be sweet and kind as honey, but have boundaries like a motherf***er.”