Towards a Better Marriage — Part 1

Using Communication Rather than a Bigger Stick to Get Our Needs Met with Those We Love

Introduction

First and foremost, I don’t want to waste your time. As with anything in modern times, I think you need a clear idea of what to expect from this series and the exercises involved. After all, you are about to invest a good deal of time working through it (or at least I hope you are if you decide to move forward) and it’s hard to commit to something if you don’t have a good understanding of what you will or won’t get out of it.

This series of article’s intention is to help you improve your communication with your partner. It is primarily intended for committed relationships, but you will likely find that the skills contained will improve your interpersonal effectiveness in a variety of contexts. While most every couple would benefit from these skills, there are some circumstances in which I would not recommend this book as a good starting point:

*If you are currently experiencing physical or sexual abuse in your relationship — This series and the exercises I’m going to walk you through is NOT a guarantee of a safe space. For some couples when they talk about the difficulties more directly instead of avoiding the topics, it can feel harder at first. This is normal BUT if one or both partners has trouble controlling their temper to the extent that the other partner is not physically safe, then I would NOT recommend starting with this series but instead seek out in-person therapy from a good couples counselor and/or remove yourself from the situation.

*If only one of you is interested in working on these skills — This is not a magical process that will effortlessly change the patterns that have developed which are preventing you from having the relationship that you would like to have. This didn’t happen overnight and it’s not going to be fixed overnight. Working through the following exercises is going to take some commitment on both partner’s parts to progress. If it is ONLY one of you working then the chances of positive change within the relationship are slim. That being said, the skills as I’ve said earlier will likely help you navigate all of your interpersonal relationships so this isn’t a reason NOT to learn the skills, but you do need to know that a relationships cannot be fixed by only one person working on it.

*You (or your partner) aren’t really looking to fix anything, you just honestly need to try everything to feel like it’s ‘ok’ to leave — This sounds like a strange one, but I have seen this in my practice and I know it happens with other therapists as well. Couples sometimes seek out couples therapy because they need to feel less guilty. This could be either party — either the one that calls for the appointment or the one that agrees to go when asked — but one or the other has already decided to leave and has no interest in changing their mind they just want to know that they either a) aren’t a bad person for doing so or b) are helping the other partner to have a soft landing pad (I think the idea of this is if you lay the bad news on your partner in my office then you can hand them over to me and I can handle it and you won’t have to).

*You have a high level of distress in your relationship and it’s at the breaking point already — If you cannot back away from the emotional distress you are feeling in the relationship enough to consciously choose new patterns of interacting, your relationship might require in-person intervention sooner rather than later. If things have already broken down to a point that delaying might end up with a negative outcome, things might become unsafe even if they haven’t yet, or you really just need to have a 3rd person in the room with you to work through this, then by all means put this article down right now and contact a couples counselor. There are many available to help you — some even via telehealth so you can do it from the comfort of your own couch.

After considering those circumstances and deciding that yes, you do believe that starting with self-guided work is something you want to try, let’s talk about why you want to pick THIS ONE. Afterall, I recognize that by picking this one you are also simultaneously choosing not to do that other one you saw online or on the next shelf. Why do I think you would be best served by this one?

I’ve been in clinical practice as a psychologist for more than 20 years. During that time, I have treated hundreds of couples — both heterosexual and homosexual. In almost all cases, I’ve started with the exercises that you will see in this course because it will stop the negative spiral that most couples find themselves in and start to build a positive one. By immediately focusing in on adding positives back into the relationship, it becomes easier to let go of the negatives because you will start to feel understood and heard again by your partner.

I find that in general at least one partner is “acting irrationally” simply for the reason that they cannot possibly understand how else to make the other personal understand some important experience or feeling they are having. The other partner then becomes focused on “not putting up with” the irrational behavior (and so also is “acting irrationally”) rather than getting to the underlying issue and so reacts to the irrational behavior in a way that invalidates further the first partner. The overall effect of this is the negative spiral because each reaction going forward makes the situation worse instead of better and gradually each partner feels like the other is so far in the wrong that it’s hard to even recognize them. Both partners likely feel lost at this point, like they don’t matter, that their partner doesn’t care about their feelings, and eventually communication tends to break down to the point that they are living like strangers in the same house — possibly coparenting their children if they have them and going through the motions of the relationship but they certainly aren’t partners and aren’t having any sense of “us” anymore.

This course is divided into parts. In the beginning I’m going to talk even more about Communication — Breakdowns & Breakups. Then we are going to make a game plan together. This is the heart of this series and is going to require homework on a regular basis. We will start with basics and add in a lot of positives to your relationship. Some of this work will feel fantastic (at least I hope it will) but other parts will be difficult. After all, there is at least some things that have become difficult or you wouldn’t need to fix your relationship. The important part will be working through the exercises (don’t work ahead!) and setting aside time with your partner to practice the new skills. The final part of the series will be devoted to maintenance and next steps.

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