“Top Writer” on Medium?

About as valuable as that “participation trophy” from third grade

Trigger warning for aspiring writers: this piece is a buzz kill.

You slave away at Medium. You pour your heart and soul into your work. You claw your way up the ladder, building a following, building an audience, and getting the “views” count up. You even bother to learn what the difference is between “views,” “reads,” and “read ratio” on your stats page.

You read articles on how to get readers to read your stuff so your “reads” go up.

Tips and tricks and advice, oh my; so much wisdom is out there as other Medium writers (savvier than you) get you to read what they wrote about getting reads.

Finally, the day arrives! You get that email notification from Medium that says: “Congratulations! You are a Top Writer in Yoga for Octogenarians,” or whatever your main topic tag in the Medium Multiverse may be. You blush and beam. You maybe even send a text message to your closest friend to share the exciting news. Top writer!

Your ship has come in! You made it! You finally got the recognition you deserve. Your breathtaking brilliance, wit, and wisdom have been noticed, noted, and this has catapulted you to the top tier, the head of the line, the front seat on the bus!

Naw. Not really.

Well, yeah, the front seat of the bus. But, it is a Greyhound bus trundling through corn fields in Iowa, and the guy sitting next to you hasn’t showered in a week.

Welcome to “Top Writer” status.

I will have you know I am Top Writer in Politics … LGBTQ … Feminism. Um, lost track … am I maybe Top Writer in anything else? Was I Top Writer in Witchcraft? Oh, nope, never mind that one. No, no, no, no. No witch stuff from me, no siree. Never mind that tiniest hint of a box of Tarot cards in the background of my profile pic — cough cough cough — and no brooms in my closet, I assure you. I have the bread crumbs still sitting in the corner of my kitchen floor to prove it.

I remember when I got that first notice. They said I was a Top Writer in Politics. I was Ralphie in “A Christmas Story.” Finally, others had realized that I am, of course, a fantabulous writer with scathingly brilliant ideas as I channel my inner Hayley Mills … Oh, sorry, is that last one too obscure a movie reference for you? “The Trouble With Angles?” Scathingly brilliant idea? Oh never mind.

The point is that just like Ralphie (and just like YOU, c’mon, admit it) I have stared in rapture at my own compositions on the screen. Profound egomaniacal narcissism is a prerequisite to being a writer. After all, writing is an activity you engage in with me, myself, and I, so what could possibly be more self-involved? It ain’t a team sport.

Anyway, my point is (here comes the buzz kill) if you are wondering what “Top Writer” on Medium means, I am here to tell you. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

It is, however, a scathingly brilliant idea on the part of Medium to give out these gold stars on our foreheads. They know writers are egomaniacs who need, crave, and absolutely love a bit of stroking of that ego. Actually, most human beings love a bit of stroking. Double entendre certainly intended … but stop trying to distract me. Oh, that was me distracting me. Where was I?

Oh yes, scathingly brilliant Medium. They need to keep a steady stream of reasonably good content or else subscribers will pack up their subscriptions and leave. Once a writer has shown themselves to at least not be a total psychopath and that they have discovered there is a free app called Grammarly that helps them remember the Oxford comma, then Medium doesn’t want those writers wandering off to more profitable pastures. Like, for example, writing soft-core porn, otherwise known as “Romance” novels … oops … wandered back to stroking again … where was I? Hey, it is me, myself, and I at my computer in the basement at night, what do you expect?

Here is the bottom line for newbies who do not know: the “Top Writer” designation is what you get if you score a few hits. That is it. Since all writers are desperate for validation and recognition, however, it is a nice notification to get, I suppose. It does not mean, however, that everything you henceforth write is going to get placed at the top of the feeds.

Still … feel free to comment that I am just being a whiny rhymes-with-witch … it seems a bit deceptively cruel of Medium. It raises your hopes. It makes you think you are taking off, when in fact you may just be a one-hit-wonder. “Top Writer” is just a stroke of your ego to get you to stick around and keep cranking out stuff on the off chance you score a hit again. A ticket to big bucks it ain’t. It is just a ticket on a crowded Greyhound bus full of other writers.

You want big bucks? You have to do what all writers have to do. Just keep writing, keep working at your craft, keep coming up with your next scathingly brilliant idea, maybe diversify into soft-core porn (wink), and keep reading about how to get reads.

And just suffer sitting on the bus with the smelly dude next to you.