Top Ten Subjects to Write a Top 10 List On
Writing success awaits
As I study the the few who succeed on this platform hoping to rise above the masses, find my audience, and finance my bubble gum jones, I’ve discovered that many who actually turn a reasonable buck here are enamored of “the list.”
“Eleven Ways To Do This.” “Five Surefire Roads To That.” “Ten Routes To The Other.” And what I wanna know is “What’s with all the effing lists?”
So how did I react to this realization that writing lists is the shortest way to success? You got it. I wrote a freaking list. When I sat down to write that first Medium list, I didn’t actually start out with that mission in mind. It just kind of evolved — and I rode with the flow. Why not? If lists are so popular? I’m in.
And guess what! It became one of my most-read pieces (though that’s not saying much). And soooo…(you guessed it)…here goes with my second list:
The Top Ten Subjects On Which To Write a Top Ten List.
- Top Ten Ways To Satisfy Yourself Without a Partner Mucking Up Your Good Time
Let’s face it. Only you know what feels good. Who needs somebody else to fail at what you do so well. For guys? Milk bottles, toilet paper rolls, fleshlights, liver (if you’re Portnoy). And girls? Washing machines, bathtub spigots, endless toys from that chick store around the corner. The possibilities are endless. Again, ten ways only scratches the surface. And here you’re busy reading this bullshit!
2. Top Ten Ways To Lose Your Girlfriend Or Boyfriend
God! I can’t even stand the way she (or he) breathes anymore. How do I tell her or him? “You’re just too good at sex. I’m afraid I’m gonna have a heart attack. You gots to go!” That would be a good one. Or how about simply disappearing from the face of the Earth. Ya know…old school ghosting. That one might work.
3. Top Ten Ways To Disappoint Your Significant Other
I don’t think the number ten would adequately address this list. You’d need like 50 just to scratch the surface. This one would be a snap to write.
4. Top Ten Ways To Get Your Mother-in-law To Move Out of the House
Now we’re talkin’ useful! I’m reminded of the old Ernie K-doe lyric: “She thinks what she says is a contribution. But if she would leave that would be the solution.”
5. Top 10 Ways To Clip Your Toenails
Clipping toenails is a chore nobody likes. There has to be a way to make this activity enjoyable! If you have a bad back? Forget it. Do you put a leg up on the sink to get the job done? That’s my way. But there are so many others, I’m sure. With a friend. Sitting Indian style. Pay somebody else to do it while you mock their desperation at performing such a task for money. The point: Who could resist clicking on a list like this? Big winner. But for somebody else. I’m getting queasy thinking about it.
6. Top Ten Ways To Passive-aggressively Let the Person In the Next Cubicle Know He Or She’s an A-hole
Me? I had one of those guys at my last job. I looked right through him. The dude wasn’t even there! But that’s just my way. There are plenty of more to fill out this list.
7. Top Ten Ways To Get Laid Off So You Can Go On Unemployment
Very useful at the beginning of the pandemic when anybody who earned less than 50k a year actually got paid more to sit on his or her ass than they did if he or she worked. “God bless America,” said a beer-drinking Dominican man who once graced the backseat of my cab. And then he added “where you can drink beer and get paid for it.” Which leads me to number 8.
8. Top Ten Reasons I Should Punt My Shitty Life and Just Go Drive a Cab
Take it from one who knows. Driving a cab has its salutary moments. And what better way to check out of the “real” and enter the “nether”world? Everybody needs an escape hatch. It worked for me.
9. Top Ten Excuses For Why You Didn’t Get the Job Done
Aha! A cop-out’s wet dream right here. Ten ways to blame it on somebody else when you’re really at fault. I know a boatload of people who would not only read that one — but could write it as well.
10. Top Ten Ways To Finish a Top 10 List When You’ve Already Lost Your Boner For Writing Something This Stupid In the First Place
Plagiarize! Why didn’t I think of that before I got to number 10? I’m exhausted. My brain started as mush. Now it’s liquid pouring out of my ears.
Hey hey! I made it to the finish line. And really, I lied. It only took about 20 minutes. Maybe I’m good at this list bullshit and I’ll succeed after all. Not likely. But an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. And in my case, a busy one is as well. What are ya gonna do?