Top Ten Reasons I’ve Dedicated My Life To Succeeding On Medium
Hint: Because I have no life
Medium is a fucking struggle. Gaining traction on this platform is like trying to run at full speed from a stop on a frozen pond. That’s why only 9% of Medium writers manage to earn $100/month. Most of us throw our hands in the air like we just don’t care (thank you Biggie.) I speak from experience. That’s exactly what I did the first time around.
So why after failing miserably, did I return with a singular purpose? What’s wrong with me? Can’t I take no for an answer? Well…here goes with The Top Ten Reasons I’ve Dedicated My Life To Succeeding On Medium:
- It’s a challenge
All motivated people get bored without a passion project in their lives. For some, it could be a best-selling book. Others…a hit record. A third? Pursuit of the perfect mate with whom to start a family. I’m a motivated person. I need that passion project in my life. Medium has filled that void.
2. I like being an Underdog
Anybody who starts from scratch on Medium is an underdog. So many people fail…and so few succeed on the platform it’s almost a given that even good writers won’t have the stamina or luck to break through. Underdogs have a chip on their shoulders. They’ll show the world. Sign me up! I’ll show y’all!
3. I have no life
I’m 70-years-old with no wife, no exes, no children, no significant other and…do I really need to go on? Plus, I just got laid off from a job I hated. What the fuck else am I gonna do besides sit at my computer and write all day — at least until the covid era is over and I can do something besides (drum roll) sit at my computer and write all day?
4. I’m on probation and can’t travel
Yes, you read that right. I got locked up for a year for underreporting on my income tax form. And I’m at the tail end of my probationary period. Which means I can’t travel. And guess what! In a month when I’m finally free of the federal yolk? I’ll still be limited by what I call “covid probation.”
5. I crave recognition
To be truthful…I love when people like the way I bare my soul. It’s just a blues thing. And when people clap — whether I’m playing my guitar or writing a story — I am fulfilled and self-actualized. It’s really pretty simple. Material things mean nothing to me. Appreciation for my art is all!
6. I hate everybody
I don’t really want to go out and hang with people because most of them are stupid, boring losers anyway. And it’s such a chore to find the few who aren’t. Yeah, I know. I got a problem. Tough shit! I’m too old to change.
7. I’m looking for a groupie
Who wants to pursue a gorgeous woman who everybody wants? What a headache. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if she came to you? I know. This is a ridiculous pipe dream. All I can hope for is some frumpy babe with a great mind (oh joy). Still, I persist. Why? Read the past 5 and the next 3.
8. It gives me a purpose in life
Sitting around watching shitty movies and even worse television programming could drive a guy insane. Now that I’ve dedicated my life to Medium, my life has a purpose — albeit an eccentric one. Still, I’m no longer a dinghy floating out at sea with no hope of ever sighting land.
9. It beats jerking off to porn
Ok! Maybe not, sometimes. But really, I’m getting a little old for that. Plus, my prostate is in rebellion mode. Which leads me to #10.
10. I can’t drive a cab anymore. I have to pee too often
Anybody who’s ever driven a taxi in New York is all too familiar with the reality that there is nowhere to pee except the street. And guys used to get tickets for doing just that routinely. Plus, the cab industry is dead. It’s all Uber and Lyft now. And how boring is picking up a passenger who you know isn’t going to slash your throat because Uber knows who he is and where he lives!
So there’s the Top Ten for the day. I’m sure I could go on. But I’m lazy. And I want to hit the publish button. Bye!
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