Top Ten Reasons I’m a Failure At Life
Hey! A little introspection never hurt
As I sit in front of my computer at 6:30 AM writing about nothing with nobody reading, it occurs to me I have no life. I have failed at this late age. But maybe there’s hope in looking inward to explain all this away. So here goes with the Top Ten Reasons I’m a Failure At Life:
- I have no wife, children or even a girlfriend currently
My father had three wives. And he was a shitty father, mostly. Recognizing our similarities, it didn’t seem that marrying and having a family would be wise. So I didn’t. I now pay the price in lack of fulfillment most people enjoy.
2. I’m rarely happy
Mostly, I live my life annoyed or angry. People are stupid. And boring! It’s only rarely that I happen up on somebody whose company I actually enjoy.
3. I never hit the big time
I produced several records that sounded like hits when they were released. But for a variety of reasons, none ever were. I’ve written wannabe books about cab-driving, hookers and prison life. None has ever even been published let alone sold. Brutal, given that’s probably been my one life aspiration.
4. I don’t get laid anymore
True, when I was in the escort ad-selling business, I got laid like crazy. But not anymore! It’s been too long. And what with the pandemic, I don’t picture it happening anytime soon — unless I go see one of the many hookers I used to know. Which right now doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, come to think of it!
5. I didn’t get the girl of my dreams
This ain’t Hollywood. It’s real life. And the one woman I wanted in this life already had 3 boyfriends when I found her. She was amazing. We all wanted her. I googled her recently. Looks like nobody ever got her! I could go on about her issues. But this piece is about mine!
6. I settled for women I didn’t really like because they loved me and were good at sex
This one really hurts to contemplate. I can’t go on.
7. The day I became a millionaire I couldn’t tell anybody
Reaching that milestone should be an occasion for celebration. It was not. I certainly didn't want my escort customers to know. (What? Am I gonna tell a bunch of flatbacking leeches I’m loaded? That stupid I’m not!)
And forget about my friends, all of whom were penniless losers. Or my competitors who would have wooed my client base with pleadings to help them become millionaires, too.
8. I was harassed by the government for 7 years one of which I spent in prison
And if that doesn’t have loser written all over it, I don’t know what does.
9. I sit here trying to garner a following on Medium when there’s really no hope.
Medium is not for guys like me. It would be great if there was a darker platform where a wannabe could turn a decent buck. But there isn’t. So here I am swimming upstream for lack of anything better to do with my time.
10. I have difficulty spending money (euphemism for being cheap)
I know this sounds ridiculous. But actually, I’m a multi-millionaire. Not as multi as I was before the IRS knocked on my door. But still and technically, I am. (And no, this isn’t hidden money. The IRS knows about all my money at this point.) I don’t know what to say. Selling ads to hookers was extremely profitable. And in all modesty, I was good at it. So I made a shit ton of cash. But it doesn’t matter. Because I don’t spend it. And I’d better start soon because — and as my accountant once said — “you don’t want to be the richest man in the cemetery.” So what’s the point of making all that money if you’re just gonna die with it. But all is not lost. I’ve been working on how to take it with me. And I think I have it figured out!
Ok! Enough of this bullshit. I don’t have the patience to really do this right. I just feel as a matter of discipline that I need to publish two articles a day on Medium. And this is today’s second. So now I can go do what I do best. Nothing.
But guess what’s coming tomorrow! You got it. Top Ten Reasons Why I’m a Winner At Life. Stay tuned.
More Top Ten bullshit:
