‘The Two Popes’ Is Too Much
Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce star in a prestige drama about powerful old men pontificating
The new Netflix movie The Two Popes was too far-fetched for me to believe. And the Bishop of Rome — the Vicar of Christ, the pontifex maximus, His Holiness — is a fantastical character to begin with. The Pope is the closest thing humans have to a wizard. The hat, the robes the staff. The Pope lives in a castle, casts spells, and is guarded by outlandishly dressed mercenaries called Swiss Guards. The Pope looks like someone who can shoot lightning bolts from his large magic ring.
I just can’t buy that the Pope, either Benedict or Francis, is a sensitive and humble man of God with interesting things to say. He’s just patriarchy upper-management, nothing more.
Yet The Two Popes insists that the main characters, a pair of elderly men, are clever and eloquent and not a couple of career bureaucrats who help run an ancient and lucrative international religious business with 1.2 billion regular customers and real estate holdings in Rome, New York, and Paris, to name a few.
The Catholic Church is also an organization that used its vast treasure and influence to whitewash decades of predatory sexual crimes by its employees, hundreds of which preyed on thousands of children. Recently, a few days after The Two Popes was released on Netflix, an internal report from the Legion of Christ Catholic order in Mexico City revealed that hundreds of boys were sexually assaulted and abused by dozens of priests for almost 80 years.
This news almost feels ordinary. The same crimes have happened in Colorado, Ireland, France all around the world. In most cases, a holy cover-up. Self-preservation at all costs.
I do not believe men of authority in these modern times talk about anything else other than how to maintain their power and the power of the institutions they run. I don’t care if it’s two popes or two presidents or two CEOs. I do not believe the powerful have poetry in their hearts.
What do you think Tech Popes like Pete Thiel and Mark Zuckerburg discuss when they dine? The resilience of the human spirit? No, they mutter about profit. Billionaires are graceless bores.
Centuries of literature have trained humans to believe their leaders think deeply and speak nobly but the truth is a realistic dramatization of the negotiations between Pope Benedict and Once-And-Future-Pope Francis would probably have involved lawyerly haggling over decimal points, not monologues about faith. These were just two company men, quietly plotting. Taking naps, slurping soup, playing God.
I want that movie.
The Two Popes is, in fact, light-hearted propaganda that wants to appeal to both practicing and lapsed Catholics, of which I am the latter. It wants to pluck at the heartstrings of those raised to trust priests like family members, albeit family members who can damn you to hell.
For a brief time, I even wanted to work for the Pope.
When I was twelve-years-old, back in 1986, the Catholic Church ran a series of recruitment ads in print and on TV starring Father Guido Sarducci, an Italian priest character played by comedian Don Novello. The character was a laid-back, chain-smoking nice guy with a deep “whatssamatta you” accent who was popular on Saturday Night Live. In one ad, Sarducci says Catholic priests “Eat free at Italian restaurants.”
As a chubby little boy I remember seeing that ad and thinking “Well, I do like spaghetti.” That would be the last time the Catholic Church ever truly connected with me. I actually thought about the priesthood at the time. Granted, I also thought about being an astronaut cop. But I knew the priesthood was likely more realistic an aspiration. There was job security. Free clothes. Pasta. In the movie The Exorcist, priests were pretty cool demon fighters.
On one hand: love, sex, and human connection. On the other hand: access to unlimited amounts of incense.
So for a few days, as I mulled over a life of making signs of the cross and eating lasagna, I prayed intensely. Oh Lord, what shall I do? I never heard an answer but it didn’t take me long to forget I ever asked the question. Eventually, hormones would steer me away from the Church. Her name was Kate and we sat next to each other in sixth grade. Years later I would learn that the whispers were true, on a global, industrial-sized scale.
The Catholic Church failed to recruit me. Thank God.
I was hoping The Two Popes would be a sort of theological Batman v Superman where punches are replaced with quotes from Scripture. But it is not. It’s too serene for any real conflict.
Instead, it is a preciously cerebral two-hander about the unlikely friendship between conservative Pope Benedict and the future Pope, his liberal successor, Francis. The movie is well-done. The earthly splendor of the Papacy is fully realized. The dialogue is smart and snappy. And, of course, there are the performances: Anthony Hopkins is isolated but formidable and as Jorge Bergoglio, who will take the name Francis when he becomes Pope, Jonathan Pryce is charismatic and beatific.
This is a movie where two old pros like Hopkins and Pryce can nibble the scenery because there is plenty of scenery, especially once the drama unfolds behind the Vatican walls.
Most of the movie’s plot is about Benedict wanting to pass the papal torch to his one-time rival Borgolio, who refuses the offer multiple times. His resistance was understandable: the last time a Pope had retired was 700-years-ago. It was and remains an unprecedented request. But, as we all know, Pope Francis greeted the world in 2013 as Pope Benedict retired to the Italian countryside.
Benedict’s excuse for giving up the Chair of Saint Peter was because he couldn’t hear the voice of God anymore. Which is bullshit? I don’t want to get into whether or not God exists but if He did, and He was good, he’d probably be shouting “you know what you did” right in his ear. Here’s what he did, to be clear: he turned the other cheek, over and over and over again, when he learned that his brothers were sexually assaulting children they swore to protect.
It’s not as if this stain is ignored. The church’s sex crimes are briefly brought up a couple of times. Mournfully. Regretfully. Benedict is contrite. But each mention feels perfunctory. As Cardinal Ratzinger, Benedict presided over a vast conspiracy with many other Vatican accomplices. Meanwhile, the story of Pope Francis’ collaboration with Argentinian fascists in the ’70s, more a survival tactic than a political calculation, is revealed. Not enough is made of Francis being South American. The last time a non-European was Pope was the 8th century.
And neither man is forced to answer for the church’s many well-known prejudices, either.
But for the most part, the movie sets up how Benedict is uptight, and Francis is laid-back. How one scowls all the time while the other smiles. Oh, look, Francis cheers for football and Benedict plays the piano. Pope Benedict loves expensive red Prada shoes and flying around in a helicopter, like a celibate Bruce Wayne. Jorge Bergoglio is more frugal. Humble. But he knows how to enjoy little things, like pizza. The movie should have been called The God Couple.
The Two Popes is respectful of the Catholic Church but maybe the Catholic Church doesn’t deserve respect. One Pope may be too many.