Summary

The author describes their experience in a group therapy session for PTSD survivors, detailing a breakthrough moment of emotional response after hearing another member's story.

Abstract

The author, a participant in a structured group therapy session for PTSD survivors, reflects on their recent experience where they felt an emotion for the first time in a long while. The therapy, led by a warm and caring therapist, involves a diverse group of individuals who share their stories and complete homework assignments to facilitate healing. The author, initially detached and clinical during the sessions, was deeply moved by the vulnerability of another group member, triggering a range of emotions from sadness to anger. This emotional reaction represents a significant shift in the author's typically guarded emotional state, suggesting a potential path to healing and a newfound sense of camaraderie and protection towards fellow group members.

Opinions

The author values the therapist's structured approach and warm demeanor, finding it essential for their own healing and assuming it is also beneficial for others in the group.
The author appreciates the diversity of the group members, recognizing the shared yet distinct experiences of abuse among the survivors.
The author initially felt out of place due to their inability to express emotions, perceiving themselves as clinical and detached compared to others in the group.
The author expresses deep admiration and respect for the courage shown by another group member whose story evoked an unexpected emotional response.
The author acknowledges their own protective instincts towards the storyteller, despite only knowing them through virtual meetings, indicating a shift in their emotional defenses.
The author reflects on the inadequacy of self-help and intellectualization in their healing process, emphasizing the need for group therapy.
The author is hopeful about the potential for healing and building meaningful relationships within the group, despite the challenges of confronting their past traumas.

Tonight I experienced my first emotion in a long long time.

Perhaps my emotions are returning despite my PTSD

I just finished my 3rd week of group therapy session and have some thoughts that I need to write down to help me process. It was surprisingly hard for me as I actually felt something, and I don’t remember the last time I felt anything.

First off the therapist continues to give me hope with her warm and caring energy. She has structure for the group that I for one need and I believe many of the group members also covet.

Speaking of members, this group is a safe space and so I will not say anything about any specific individual. But I will say I am one of nine fellow survivors, with a 2:1 female to male ratio, different ages, different backgrounds, and different levels of abuse, and we are only just beginning.

Homework

Two weeks ago, at the end of the first session, the therapist assigned us some homework, a set of 17 questions I think it was. Again, part of the structure that I crave. Last week we started to answer those questions to the group as openly as each of us can be. I believe it’s a great way to break the ice for everyone. I know at least 2 people have already said they no longer feel alone. I’m reticent to say that just yet, but I am certainly leaning that way and yes, it does trigger my abandonment issues when I dare to think I may have found a ‘home’.

The meeting

These meetings are 90 minutes long and I suspect most would not be concerned if they ran late because early indications are that everyone there wants to heal as best they can and it’s becoming clear to me this is the place I’m supposed to be.

I think I went second or third last week when answering my questions and I honestly felt bad as I was rather clinical I felt, as none of the questions stirred any kind of emotion in me, which is “normal” for me. I believe I said as much after reading them and apologized to the group in case I came across cold or callous. It felt like most everyone was opening up their hearts and I was just answering a quiz.

Tonight the remaining individuals answered their questions and I am so thankful I stayed engaged for the entire time. I believe there were 4 people remaining that spoke this evening.

Provoked emotion

The last person that spoke, who shall remain nameless and genderless, but if you ever read this, you have my complete admiration and respect for how open you were this evening. So much so, this person’s story provoked emotion in me, something I was not expecting. Perhaps it was naïve or just arrogant of me to think someone else’s story could touch me, but it did.

At one point I started to get a little teary-eyed and a few moments later it was replaced with anger, not anger at this brave soul for sharing their story, but rather what this poor soul went through. I’ve never felt that kind of anger or a feeling to protect someone I didn’t know three weeks ago and have only met over zoom meetings, but I honestly told this person that I know it’s irrational and magical thinking to use psychological parlance, but I genuinely wished I could have gone back in time to protect this person.

I am not sure what that means for me, but believe it’s a crack in my armour and might also suggest I’m not a terrible heartless person at my core but rather a caring big brother type person to my existing friends and now these new acquaintances that I suspect will become friends, possibly life long.

I am amazed that for someone, namely me, that keeps his emotions so tightly wrapped up, this person’s story affected me so powerfully. But it did.

A little perspective

I feel it may help me a little with perspective regarding the abuse I went through. Everyone in this group, myself included, has what I call a “similar story with different details”, and this person’s details are radically different to mine, at least the little I remember as I've blocked out most of my childhood, but hearing it from a fellow survivor makes me see I was just a little helpless boy at the mercy of a crazy grandiose narcissist entrusted with my care and wellbeing. Something she was incapable of doing. But until recent years, it was hard to even admit I wasn’t the problem.

Intellectually this makes perfect sense, but if I could intellectualize my way through this, I wouldn’t need a group. A couple of self-help books, a quick “pull yourself together man” pep talk and I’d be golden. Sadly, that’s not how this works as I’m starting to learn.

The checkout

At the end of each meeting, the therapist has us do a ‘check out, where each survivor gets to talk about how the meeting felt, affected, or resonated with them. For me, I was filled with anger and tears and struggled to get my thoughts out.

I feel like I’m finally on the right path to healing and truly hope each and every one of us feels similarly, if not now, in time.

Thanks for reading, I’ve since added a part two, linked here.

Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!