Today the Grief Comes in Waves

The widow’s journey continues

Today the grief comes in waves.

No triggers of a memory this time — His toothbrush in the Bathroom mug Or the empty wheelchair, The socks tucked in his sneakers Next to the bed Which I cannot bear to move, Or a favorite song —

But a sudden rushing torrent Of tears that began last night And continued this morning For no discernible reason except to Fill the fathomless void of Unbearable Emptiness and silence; The loneliness and pain of Separation.

No longer distracted by Gratitude to family and friends for Messages of support, Paperwork done, Tidying up the home, Condolences come and gone — Reality splits my composure.

One half wants to move on Thinking I’d be stronger The longer time passed At last could decide What should go What to keep.

The other half weeps at Facing the future alone Nobody home but me The decades of we Become history To which I can never return But in memories.

Despite the love that burns In my heart, It’s fucking hard to accept We’re apart.

Next step: Integrate, Create a new identity Separate from the familiar WE Without feeling guilty.

I am here, He is there. Difficult though it may be, I’ll redefine who I am now. Carry on alone, avow, Adjust to living life as ME.

© Caroline de Braganza 2024. All Rights Reserved.

On Sunday morning, an emotional tsunami threatened to overwhelm me. I scrapped my morning routine of journal writing and meditation, knowing I was incapable of doing either, opened my laptop and composed this poem.

The oceans of tears (and piles of snotty tissues) as I wrote slowed to a trickle as I reached the end — then stopped.

Living alone in a rural area, far away from friends and relatives or counselling and support systems, to write and share my journey of loss and grief on Medium is the best healing therapy for me as a writer.

I extend my deepest gratitude to every writer who has offered their prayers, love, and virtual hugs during this difficult stage of my life. I cannot put into words how much your support means to me.

“Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people — they always go away, sooner or later. You can’t hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.” — Elementary school teacher and author Bruce Coville on love.

I dedicate the following song to my beloved — Carole King performing Now and Forever.

Because of the recent loss of my soulmate, I was reluctant to contribute to this week’s prompts from Bella Smith ⭐ on the theme of love until I spotted the Spiritual Sunday prompt No 5: Explore the idea that love transcends physical boundaries.

I didn’t clap, respond, or make a commitment to contribute, as I wasn’t sure I’d be able to create anything meaningful. I suspect the Universe conspired to make me miserable this morning, culminating in this poem.

Thank you to all responsible for the inspiration.