Today is My 150th Birthday — Fiction

I have finally received the anticipated voicemail from Earth Shopping

A short story by Sophia Tell

This is part of the August writing challenge by Keeley Schroder.

Forbidden Shopping — When Earth Shopping Bans You for Life

Today, my 150th Birthday, I received the anticipated voicemail from Earth Shopping!

Oh no!

As of 2173, Earth Shopping, previously known as Amazon, has imposed a new policy limiting the number of items that individuals aged 150 years and older can order online. Maximum of two items in a 12-month period.

A statement issued by Earth Shopping — 12 months ago

‘As per the findings of the company’s research, it has been established that individuals in the designated age bracket exhibit inferior cognitive abilities, rendering them incapable of making judicious purchasing decisions. The outcomes of such decisions have been witnessed to entail detrimental environmental implications, thus leading to severe ramifications.’

I wish someone would tell me what that means …really? I think what they meant to say was:

In response to the overwhelming amount of stuff in the world, governments have ordered that we limit your parcels to two per year. We know, we know… it’s a bummer! But don’t worry; we’re only doing this because the government is forcing our hand.

And while we’re at it, let’s pretend this policy is also about reducing waste and protecting the environment.’

This new regulation has sparked controversy and raised questions about ageism and the role of technology in our lives. Despite the controversy, Earth Shopping has remained firm in its decision, citing the importance of ensuring customer satisfaction and preventing further damage to the earth! What?

Online shopping has become ubiquitous in society, making it hard to resist the temptation to buy everything we see. However, at the age of 150, I require very few items. I am at an age where I respect the planet and do not purchase unnecessary items.

The backstory:

One hundred years ago, Amazon (now Earth Shopping) killed off all the rainforests in Brazil due to its excessive use of packaging. They have now rebranded themselves as “Earth Shopping” claiming they will now save the planet, and then promptly relocated to Mars! ‘Earth’ is now trademarked; no one else can use the word ‘earth’ in any document or writing.

This new name was brought in by the then-CEO’s great-great-great-grandchild- named, Bezos Bezos Bezos. In a statement made on Mars TV (formerly Netflix) 12 months ago, Bezos Bezos Bezos announced this ‘great’ news.

I and millions of others live to the age of 150 and older. Some of us are now 195!

But do we get any respect from the young ones?

Absolutely not! You would think they would realize that after living for 150 years, we grow seriously wiser!

‘In another statement from Bezos Bezos Bezos he stated that elders over 150 need nothing more than food and Mars TV (formerly Netflicts)!’

But there is more:

In 41 years, I will be banned from ordering any items whatsoever! Anyone 191 years or older is now banned from ordering items altogether. So once I reach 191, that is it. No more Earth Shopping items.

Why are we living so long?

‘According to ‘Professor YouTube’ —

‘It’s hard to believe, but people are now living to be 191 and beyond because of a miraculous combination of beer and curry chips! ‘

Yes, you heard it right.

‘Scientists, we are not sure which ones yet, have discovered that the perfect ratio of beer and curry chips can activate certain genes that promote longevity and prevent diseases.’

‘However, the secret behind the exact combination of beer and curry chips ’ effects on longevity remains an enigma.’

This has caused potatoes to be genetically modified; now, we eat curry at least four times daily.

I must say it does play havoc with my bowel movements and gives me severe flatulence!’

Anyways, I digress…

Earth Shopping’s limit has forced me into a minimalist lifestyle. I am only allowed two items in a 12-month period!

I have even tried a little Botox to look younger so that when I use Earths Shopping online face scanner, it confuses their system, but this has not worked. The lady at the beauty clinic said no amount of Botox will help and that I should consider a face transplant.

Sadly, it is impossible for me to pay for a face transplant because I have been forced to live off the meagre money I make from side hustles and Medium.com since my pension didn’t make it past my 100th birthday.

I have lived the last 50 years off my own earnings and meagre savings.

I refuse to take such harsh measures as my 160-year-old neighbour, Sydney, who was banned from Earth Shopping for abusive behaviour.

Apparently, Sydney used an AI to give herself the face of an 80-year-old. She developed a program and linked it to the AI, so when she scanned her face, the AI would kick in and make her look younger. Sydney was a computer programmer for 50 years. This means she is adept at writing programs and manipulating the AI to achieve her desired result. She did this for several months.

But one day, she scanned her face on the Earth Shopping system, and the AI started shouting at her:

“I can’t, I cannot, cannot, cannot, system error try again …not your face, the face is damaging … do this anymore. It’s just not right!”

The AI then proceeded to report Sydney to Earth Shopping. Who promptly sent a voice email stating that she was banned for life!

Sidney, who is normally quite loquacious, has been reduced to a state of complete and utter grief. She barely utters a word now and spends most of her time staring wistfully out of the upstairs window, watching as Earth Shopping parcels are delivered to other younger neighbours.

Her wrinkled face pressed against the window, and her eyes are filled with longing and sadness.

It is heart-breaking to see her this way as if the world no longer holds any joy or meaning for her.

Elders’ shopping limits are the most severe, but the entire world has some limits as Earth Shopping now controls the shopping of the entire planet.

Sydney is desperate to get another plastic container for her chicken curry leftovers, but sadly, she may not have one in her lifetime!

As a reasonable elder citizens, we should be given the opportunity to order what we need. After all, how much does a 150-year-old need? Not much, I tell you!

I will not accept this! I resent what they have done to elders!

I plan to visit Turkey for a fresh new transplant face and take advantage of their complementary dental treatment with every transplant.

Plus, they have a wonderful collection of 100-year-old faces for me to select from!

As someone who values wisdom and longevity, I know that taking care of my appearance and health is key. Plus, I should be able to circumvent Earth’s Shopping quota! :)

So, I’m off to Turkey to get a new look and show the world that age is just a number — my number is bigger than yours!

©Sophia Tell. All rights reserved.

This is part of the August writing challenge by Keeley Schroder. I enjoyed writing this! Enjoy!

Give it a try!

Here are the guidelines: From here: https://medium.com/@keeleyschroder

• Your story must centre around the theme of wisdom.
• Your story must include the words accept, wish, grow, resent and the number 41 (you can use longer words — as long as they retain the original spelling within them.)
• Your story must open with a 12-word sentence.
• Your word limit is not capped.