Today, I Claim the Powerful Woman I Am — Before & After the Accident that Changed my Life

My VOICE, my ACCOMPLISHMENTS, my BIOGRAPHY are all ME

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” — Marianne Williamson

As I continue to cultivate my voice NOW, I’m increasingly aware that I’m integrating who I was before the Traumatic Brain Injury in 2011 with who I have become in the wake of the injury.

Having been deeply humbled by the fractal path of descent, over and over again tumbling me through the painful process of transformation, I’ve become more introverted in my post-concussive life with deeper roots. It feels awkward to share my professional biography from before the accident, yet I’m reminded daily that I should not play small.

There is a significant difference between making myself small/boasting of achievements (a dualism that flips on the same axis) and possessing the quiet confidence that comes from embracing all of who I am.

My daughter knew nothing of my entrepreneurial achievements or keynote speaking. She knew of her dad’s work and respected it greatly. There was something wrong with this picture.

I showed her my LinkedIn Profile. I pulled out my Stevie Awards from storage. I started telling her stories of the business trips that she took with me for her first year of life because she never could figure out the bottle.

We laugh about it now, but it was an extremely challenging time. I was a Growth Strategist in high demand, traveling frequently to Clients and Conferences, on a 90-minute leash to my little person who needed FOOD. It took a huge toll on my body, as I lost my gallbladder within a year of giving birth.

I’m going to write more about the day that changed my life forever — March 6, 2011 — as this is Dysautonomia Awareness Month and my story is one of many different ways that Dysautonomia can take hold.

Today, I am focused on owning who I was before and acknowledging that I am STILL her.

The woman who accomplished these very big things is very much alive and well inside of me, having matured, deepened, transformed, and integrated with a very powerful spiritual journey that cultivated my creativity as a Theologian/TheoArtist/Acquired Savant with synesthesia.

I live an intentionally quiet life now; however, that does not mean that I have nothing to say or no VOICE. Having spent my career working to bring empathy back to the core of healthcare delivery, I realized recently that my voice is needed. More on that in my next post when I don’t have a migraine.

It’s time to claim my life before the TBI.

YES, I won this very big award…twice…along with being invited to be an esteemed judge. I’m growing tired of being patronized because I live with certain disabilities. In the last two years, the things I’ve seen and the way I’ve been treated would have shocked me before the accident — it should shock everyone in healthcare to see the state of our system for chronic illness and pain, outside of the home health and hospice benefit.

I am #neurodivergent with many rare diseases. The neuroplasticity that comes from an injury like mine has allowed indescribable integration that has created a thoughtful new voice. I’m now able to communicate the ineffable with color, speak volumes with a few words, and remain calm in the midst of firestorms. Conversely, I have discovered a renewed strength, arisen from the ashes of acute illness and tempered by divorce. At first, the compound shock rendered me speechless, as it does to many who have transcended trauma. Slowly, however, the shock was replaced by gratitude and I felt a roar within that would shake the old-growth trees outside my window.

How to wield such a powerful voice without causing harm?

As I heal from multiple flares of rare illness, I’m forced to be still — an opportunity to contemplate this question and others. Until I find clarity, there’s value in the beginning where I am, which is finally embracing my pre-injured self and integrating her talents into my new emerging voice to be used when God says the time is right.

“I come trembling to the feet of Jesus and ask, ‘Who am I going to be tomorrow?’”