Humor

To Tip or Not to Tip?

That is the question.

Tipping is awkward.

I never know if I’m too cheap or too generous. Likely, too cheap because I love a good bargain.

Last week, I twirled around in a circle, raised my eyebrows, and asked the stranger in the coffee queue behind me, “Guess how much I paid for my new dress?”

He shrugged his shoulders, smirked. “I don’t know. Twenty bucks?”

“Nope, not even close. It was only $9.99, on clearance— from Winners!”

He cleared his throat, indicated that it was my turn to order, and the customers standing behind us rolled their eyes.

“What are you rolling your eyes for? I’m wearing my damn mask, which only cost $5 for 5 adjustable fabric masks which came in five different colors — by the way, and I’m standing on my bubble.”

“Just order already!” they shouted.

So I did. It took me a minute or two because I was baffled by the different coffee, tea, and smoothie choices. I was calculating what the best deal would be, contemplating if I wanted something hot or cold. I looked towards the window to check the weather and sighed. It was raining.

“Decisions, decisions.” I winked at the cashier. Her name tag said “Tasha.”

“Just order already!” the customers shouted.

“Okay, okay. Hmmm, is your strawberry ginger mint tea organic?”

Tasha shrugged and said, “Let me ask. I’ll be right back.”

“No, don’t worry. I’m kidding. I don’t care if it’s organic. I’m just trying to buy some time while I’m thinking. Um, so can you make any of the coffee decafs if I don’t want caffeine? It’s getting kind of late in the afternoon, and I don’t want to be wide awake tonight when I’m trying to sleep. You know how it is. I mean, I’ll do the usual Netflix binge-fest, but come bedtime, you know — ”

“Just order already!” the customers shouted.

“Okay, okay. I’ll have a large latte, extra hot, skip the decaf. It’s Friday night!”

Tasha punched in my order, asked for my name, wrote it on the paper cup, and pointed to The Dreaded Debit Machine.

I whispered, “$6.99 for a f*cking coffee? That’s more than half for what I paid for my new dress!”

“Pardon me?” said Tasha.

Without making eye contact, I said, “Oh, haha. Never mind. Just talking to myself.”

I stared at The Debit Machine.

Oh crap, more decisions. What do I select? 10%, 15%, 20% or dollar amount? If I pick 10%, I’ll sound too cheap, and 20% — what’s 20% of $6.99? They should really make a 5% option. Maybe I’ll do “dollar amount,” but is a $1 tip really worth it for a coffee? Maybe 50 cents, but that seems ridiculous to punch in 50 cents as a tip — doesn’t it? Oh, actually, 70 cents would be 10% of $7, but still — that amount seems way too precise. I don’t want Tasha to think I’m cheap or anal. How about no tip — I mean, geez, I’m paying $7 for a f*cking coffee!

“Just pay already!” the customers shouted.

I turned around. The customers in the queue doubled in number from 10 to 20. The dude right behind me who thought my dress cost a whole twenty dollars was shaking his head. My heart raced, I started to sweat and breathe heavy. My one-dollar mask was slipping off my nose. The customers were staring at me, awaiting my payment. My fingers trembled on the keypad. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Mary? You’re coffee’s ready.”

I dug around the bottom of my purse and pulled out a crumpled $10 bill.

“Thanks, Tasha — keep the change!”

I grabbed my coffee and headed towards the exit. The crowd in the cafe cheered, applauded, and whistled. My mask slipped down to my chin. Facing the crowd, without hesitation — I smiled, twirled twice, and curtsied in my new dress (without spilling a drop). If I were wearing a hat, I would’ve tipped that. I clicked my heels together and left the building.

I felt like a million bucks — but I only spent ten!

On another note, I’m still learning to write in the humor genre, and I’d like to thank the following writers who have made me laugh and inspired me with their humor stories, Michael Burg, MD, Phil Truman, Wendy Scott, Roz Warren, Stephen Dalton, Reuben Salsa, Amy Culberg, dan boxer, and William (Dollar Bill) Mersey. Check out their writing! Big thanks to Page Barnes and Terry Trueman for supporting my writing on The Haven.

About the Author: Mary Chang is an award-winning short story fiction writer, published memoir article writer, blogger, and Medium newbie writer. Fueled by cartwheels, laughter, a good bargain, curtsy, and a great tip. Read her blog at www.marychangstorywriter.com.