To the White Girl Who Broke the Law and Got Away With It

A personal journey from disdain to compassion

You know the girl — the popular, blond-haired modelesque girl that everyone wants to be. She’s front and center, loves the attention, and thrives in the spotlight. You hate the girl because you secretly want to be her.

I’m one week into a month-long in-person yoga teacher training course on a peaceful island in the south of Thailand. I knew that the experience would be an emotionally and physically exhausting one, but there was an incident on the first week here that contributed even more to the toll.

In our group of 23, only three people are considered Thai — I’ll include myself in this count. I was born here, but grew up American; I’ve always occupied the space between cultures, never quite enough for each one and somehow always end up being categorized into the other when it’s least convenient.

The other 20 in the group are foreigners from all corners of the world, some of whom live and work in Thailand and others of whom have flown to Thailand just for the training. Those who live in Thailand already have a general understanding of the country's culture — how to act respectfully, what the food is like, what’s appropriate, and what’s not. And generally, those who just arrived have quickly picked this up. But with every bushel, you have a bad apple.

Introducing Jane

There’s a girl in our course, let’s call her Jane. Jane is stunning at first sight, with a model body that the media convinces you you should aspire to have. I first saw Jane at the airport with a yoga mat slung over her shoulder wearing a particularly revealing dress. At the time, I wasn’t sure whether Jane was headed to the same place I was, but I had already formed my preconceptions about her: white, blond girl with a perfect body who’s into yoga — how typical.

In the first few days of our training, Jane grabbed the center front mat space right in front of the instructor and interrupted and asked questions during the class. I found myself increasingly irritated at Jane for all her questions that interrupted the flow of the class. Don’t get me wrong, I think some questions are extremely useful — like the ones where the whole class benefits from. But whenever Jane would ask a personal question and disclose half her life’s story in a question, I would wince. Can’t you ask that in your own time? I thought to myself.

Jane also complained at mealtimes, saying she couldn’t eat this and that, and always somehow drew attention to herself, whether volunteering a fact about herself or butting into another conversation.

On the third day, Jane was absent from her mat and I silently rejoiced that I wouldn’t have to see her perfectly rounded butt in front of me as we flowed and that I also wouldn’t have to listen to all her questions. I didn’t think much of her absence until later when it was announced what transpired the previous night.

Jane Broke the Law and Got Away With It

Anxious, Jane had wandered to a 24-hour convenient store at 4 am to buy alcohol. With Covid regulations, alcohol cannot be sold between the hours of 12 a.m. and 5 a.m. so Jane had apparently snuck alcohol out of the store. The staff on duty alerted the police; they checked the cameras and tracked Jane down to the yoga school, where they came to arrest Jane for breaking the law and put her in prison for six months.

But because the yoga school had a good reputation on the island and the owners knew the police, Jane was able to get away with a fine and evade going to prison. When this announcement was made to us as a group, we were informed that Jane had some mental issues she was dealing with, and because it was beyond the yoga school’s ability to help Jane in that regard, the founders decided that it would be in her best interest not to continue on the training course.

I’m going to be honest, when I heard this news, the first feeling I had was contentment. No more interrupting questions, no more bad energy, no more attention-seeking. I could continue the rest of the course in peace. Call me a terrible person if you want, I’m just being real with you.

My second feeling was anger. I thought — what a blatant disregard for rules and disrespect of the country. She waltzes on over into our country, gets alcohol when it’s prohibited (not only by law but also on the yoga course), and then gets away with it? Talk about white privilege.

I had only finished talking myself down from the anger, telling myself that Jane will get the help she needs and the yoga school handled it well, when the next day, I see Jane back in class again, front and center.

Jane had broken not only the yoga school’s rules, but also the law, and was let back into the course. Ridiculous, I thought.

My Thoughts Swirled With Loathing

I couldn’t concentrate the entire class, my mind and thoughts wandered back to feelings of anger and injustice, feelings I felt but didn’t understand where they came from.

In our meditation, all I could think about was Jane escaping justice and being back as part of the course. And it was in that meditation that I came to realize something profound: my anger, frustration, and annoyance at Jane was a reflection of myself. Sometimes, when we get triggered into these emotions, it’s because there’s something deeper within us that we need to look into.

So I looked.

My Irritation With Jane Revealed My Own Insecurities

After some thinking and deep introspection, I realized the things that annoyed me about Jane were things I had once (and maybe still do) aspired to.

Her physique

Everything that Jane is — tall, blue-eyed, blond-haired, modelesque figure — is everything I wanted to be growing up. Growing up surrounded by images of thin white women, I wanted to be that. I wanted big eyes, a big nose, freckles, blond hair, and that physique.

So somewhere in my subconscious, I was jealous of her. Society had conditioned me into desiring those things and after all these years later, when staring at it right in the face, I deep down still wanted it.

After some sleuthing though, I learned that Jane had done all these cosmetic procedures on herself. It made me realize that Jane too was a victim of society’s unreasonably high beauty standards and underwent the knife to attain them.

Jane and I weren’t so different after all.

Her ability to ask questions and draw attention to herself

Jane’s ability to interrupt the teacher to ask questions was something I was never comfortable doing. Growing up, I seldom raised my hand to ask questions in classes and I only spoke when called on. It was something my family pushed me to do — to be more outspoken and seen. But I never felt comfortable with all those eyes staring at me. I was too self-conscious.

Perhaps that’s why Jane’s ability to ask questions and disregard her surroundings triggered my inner child — the child who aspired to be loud and outspoken and speak up, but couldn’t because she didn’t like drawing attention to herself.

Again, I was jealous of Jane because I myself wanted that audacity to ask questions and confidence to interrupt conversations, an audacity and confidence I still don’t have because I’m too wrapped up in my head.

Her white privilege

And lastly, the fact that she got away with committing a crime in a developing country by playing the white victim card.

I’ve always been dissatisfied and frustrated with the power dynamics that certain countries and passports wield; I’m frustrated that my passport doesn’t give me the same power as others.

If I had gone to sneak out alcohol at 4 a.m. like Jane did, there’s no way the police would show me that leniency; I’d be in jail. And if I committed a crime in the West — let’s say the US, Europe, Australia, whatever country it may be — there would be no bribing and playing the oh I didn’t know and I’m so sorry card and getting away with it. Being the ignorant Asian tourist in the West will get you deported and your visa revoked. And even if I cited a mental illness as Jane did, I doubt that would fly.

Racial privilege is something I never had, so perhaps that’s why I was enraged to hear that Jane had gotten away with it. The leniency and understanding she was given would never be extended to me.

And although I know it’s wrong and we should be dismantling racism as a whole, that racial privilege is something that I still subconsciously crave, hence why I was antagonized by Jane’s incident and how she got away with it.

Your Reaction to Something Tells You About Yourself

I am fully aware that my infuriation with Jane is a reflection of myself — specifically the things I don’t have and am not, but want to have and be. My reaction to Jane taught me more about myself than anything.

When you’re triggered by someone or something, it’s usually a reflection of something inside of you, whether you’re aware of it or not.

I’m now at a place where I recognize my disdain for Jane, but I know it’s not my responsibility or in my power to say what are the right consequences for her action. I’m not the judge nor the jury as to what happens with Jane. I don’t know what justice looks like.

So just like my Chrissy Teigen article where I propose showing compassion even when it’s difficult or even when we don’t think it’s deserved, I am choosing to show Jane compassion, kindness, and empathy.

I believe you don’t have to like someone or agree with them to show them compassion. I don’t plan on being Jane’s best friend or getting involved in her life (I have a plethora of my own problems to deal with).

But I do plan to extend her compassion, even though it’s triggering and difficult for me. I hope I can get to a point where when I see her in class, her presence will no longer aggravate me, and I can see her as a fellow human with her own story I might not know of.