To the Vulvabutt Who Highlights Almost No Lines in My Pieces

You know who you are. I’m not going to ‘ask’ you but would you please start?

Note: This is a humorous reply to Anna Marques's piece called To the Dickhead Who Highlights Almost Every Line in My Pieces.

Dear Compulsive Non-Highlighter:

Lack of superfluous praise from you and other readers is extremely desirable and very welcome in deeds (from anyone looking to leave me money in their wills). Snarky comments come with the territory. Snarky reply-articles come with the province and/or state depending on the writer’s geographical location.

But NOT highlighting every word of mine constantly all day long is a class of unclassy classism unto itself. Sooooooooooweeeeeeee, as we say on the pig farm.

Below are the solutions you create for writers by highlighting every line in a Medium pie, in case you are only 3.1415926536% sure. Because I assume you have no heart and NOT highlighting every single word in my piece is a reflex against god or some other immortal being (or possibly myself? I can’t tell how much you praise me because you don’t highlight anything).

1. If anything in the piece is important enough NOT to highlight, then everything isn’t and is at the same time. I am Schrodinger’s cat’s complete lack of highlights.
2. A lack of highlighting is distracting. It makes my piece look empty and listless. It makes it harder for others to find it to read, which I can only assume is your goal, you heartless beast.
3. The reader will draw on their screen out of boredom when they find NO sentences are highlighted. These drawings will stand out from the rest of the screen, as they will be wonderful and drawn in crayons. If god (or possibly me?) ever saw them, they would surely puzzle over why they ever bothered learning to read, highlight, or write in the first place. Again, distracting from the point of my writing career and delicious hot fresh Medium-sized pie.
4. The writer does not feel flattered to have almost every line highlighted. The writer feels ONLY SHAME AND MELANCHOLY AND MISERY WHEN EVERY SINGLE IOTA OF WRITING ISN’T HIGHLIGHTED AT LEAST 3 TIMES BY 1 USER USING 3 ACCOUNTS. But please, sit there in your glasshouse and go easy on the highlighting. Medium does not pay a bonus for the lack of respect bestowed upon my pie.
5. If you think genuine praise is in order, great. I have achieved my purpose. I have made a Medium-sized pie and you have rewarded it with 3.1415926536 claps, maybe 4 claps, maybe 50 because that’s the damn maximum; go ahead and HIGHLIGHT EVERY DAMN WORD IN THE PIECE, buy my pie or sign my name on your will to give me everything else.

I will sum up using the words of Adam Herz, as smartishiantly portrayed by Eugene Levy in an American film about pie, American Pie:

Please do highlight everything in this piece. If you use brain me talk to you in head, you right. If I have hurt your feelings, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE NOT HIGHLIGHTING EVERY SINGLE WORD I’VE EVER WRITTEN HERE AND APOLOGIZE. Thank you for reading everything I write, even my cute scribblish attempt at handwriting as a baby genius at the fresh young age of 33. But next time you reach for that highlight key, imagine that your fingers will be touching a warm apple pie and smash it incessantly.

Madeupword Yours,

Frumpy Writer & High As a Kite