To Take Control of Your Life Maintain Integrity with Your “Inner” Self

How I react is within me

INTRODUCTION

A seemingly loving marriage ends in a divorce for no fault of yours.

You lose your parents or a dear sibling well before time.

Your pet gets stolen or one day it suddenly dies.

You find out that your partner or spouse has been cheating on you or leaves you with a humongous debt.

Your children are estranged from you.

You lose a job or passed over for promotion while you gave everything to the job.

Your best friend betrays your trust and goes about their life.

I can just go on with sad and unpleasant stuff that happens to all of us at some point in our lives and often come as a bolt from the blue. It can be mentally devastating sending us down a rabbit hole.

Life is unfair. We know that. But enough of blaming the world, surroundings, circumstances, or the heavens.

Today it ends.

Today is the day you choose to transform your life and make a difference within. The focus word here is within.

I will talk about that in this post. I am going to share my ideas on how you can create a control center within yourself, become mentally strong, and build a resilient character.

Hannah Ritchie and Max Roser had published an article on Mental Health in April 2018 which says 10.7% of the world’s population has some form of mental health disorder. The incidence is higher in women than men.

Like any physical ailment, mental health can be equally debilitating or worse. The difference is physical health issues are tested in labs while the diagnosis of mental health is mostly symptomatic and slow. Often packed with large areas of grey.

How do we beat mental health issues?

How do we become resilient in the face of adversity?

The first thing is we take control of our lives and choose how we act or react to events. If we want something in life, the change must begin with us. It is incorrect to expect the world to be just and righteous.

Respecting boundaries and sensitivities of others begins when we identify those within us and honor them. Our character determines how we stand up in face of adversity or crumble under its pressure.

You can improve the quality of your lives through your conscious actions. If you are mentally secure, your thoughts will be centered and calm; you can control the outcome, alter or even improve it for the better.

What we need is internal balance. But for that to happen, we need to dive deeper and find our True North.

• How do we bring this life-altering discipline?
• What are the approaches that can help us carve our way?
• What are the ethical considerations?

I have found that we must begin by deliberately adopting the Yamas.

The Yamas are said to be the 1st limb of Patanjali’s Ashtanga Yoga philosophy. It is the building block of our character and well-being. If we do not have restraint in our interactions with the world, we cannot move forward. It is how you conduct yourself in the world with others but before that with yourself.

Yamas are more about you than the surrounding society. Practicing the Yamas can lead to the shaping of mental resilience and our capacity to forebear.

Let us discuss how we can go about it.

A DESIRED CODE OF CONDUCT

Be Kind to Yourself

In the face of suffering and pain, we tend to hurt back; as though that will reduce our pain. It won’t, it never does.

Every religion teaches us not to harm others. Physically harming someone is one, but causing mental agony is probably more harmful. Unkind words, harsh behavior, or ignoring someone’s presence and efforts are damaging with long-term effects.

But why do we indulge in this verbal barrage? It is because we are unable to reconcile differences or appreciate the disparateness. Instead of disliking someone, accept the difference.

To embrace Ahimsa in life, you have to choose not to harm anyone and that’s including yourself. You have to ensure there is no physical harm, maltreatment through actions and even thoughts. Only when you learn to be kind to yourself will you gain the acumen to practice Ahimsa with others.

If you want to be resilient, you have to learn to be accommodative and forgiving yourself as you would forgive. Stop blaming yourself when things go wrong. Allow the universe to unfold few things for you. Revel in the magic.

There are times when you have to put yourself ahead of others when making a choice or making a decision. Do not shy away from choosing yourself. It is not selfishness. It is self-preservation. Does any of this make sense if you have lost yourself?

Detach from Ownership, Go with the Flow

This is mine that is yours. You cannot have what’s mine. She belongs to me, he belongs to you. This is how things have always been done. This is the way (with all due respect to the Mandalorians). Like animals, we too are territorial.

This sense of possessiveness is the root cause of a lot of dejection, disappointment, pain, and sadness. It creates bondage and while we are holding onto things, relationships, etc.; these possessions are enslaving us. Make it a habit to engage in periodic mental spring cleaning.

There are times we fail at relationships because we are stifling the others who are in it by not giving them adequate space. Yoga advises us to let go of our feeling of possessiveness. Aparigraha or non-possessiveness draws people and ideas closer to us as we open our hearts, mind, and soul to new insights and experiences.

It is not just about material things, our wants, and our needs. It is something darker. We love to tightly hold onto our thoughts, ideas, mindset, opinion, and worldview.

Adam Grant says — Attachment. That’s what keeps us from recognizing when our opinions are off.

Free yourself.

Free up the spaces and resources that you have been clinging onto. Free up the thoughts and let go of the archaic ideas in the face of new information. Seek freedom from a fixed mindset.

If you were an atheist and then start believing in God, make the change. Open yourself to new ideas. Set yourself free. There is so much potential out there in the world waiting to be explored and experienced.

Let the energy flow onto meaningful things. Do not fear change and do not be afraid to change.

Nothing is yours and nothing is mine

Everything is borrowed.

Whether it is our lives, the moments that we spend with others, or our experiences — nothing is forever. Once we internalize this idea of impermanence, we can overcome any incident if we want to.

One of the elements of the Yamas is Asteya which means “non-stealing”. A pedestrian meaning would be not stealing someone’s assets or wealth or even spouse or partner. At a deeper level, it forbids us from stealing someone’s ideas, or peace of mind, happiness, trust, faith, well-being through our acts.

When we do indulge in such misappropriation, two things happen. First our guilty conscious chips through our minds. Secondly, we open ourselves to greater hurt and pain.

Some of you might counter — I did not steal anyone’s love why was mine stolen? Or why shouldn’t I harm the other in retaliation?

See the word there — retaliation. It is a choice.

It is within you to choose not to retaliate but to seek out someone better to fall in love with. The deepest form of Asteya is choosing not to steal your peace and calm through your actions.

What an abject waste of energy trying to get back at someone who has hurt you! Forget and move on. Find someone better.

Channelize your Energy

The law of conservation of energy states that energy is neither created nor destroyed; only converted from one form to another. Our bodies are powerhouses of energy bursting to be let out.

Your energy, that’s consumed in having random sex with strangers or binging on OTT content can be alternately used to publish an interesting piece of educative material or managing a side hustle bringing in some extra income or learning a new skill.

When we talk of Brahmacharya, it is not a restricted idea of practicing celibacy. The objective and goal are to channelize energy towards value-added activities and not just entertainment and wanton indulgence or intemperance.

It is within you to choose if you wish to react to a situation by lashing out in anger or sidestepping it entirely to build something worthwhile. Choosing such a path is an act of showing kindness to you.

Who suffers the most due to your anger? Your body and mind! The quality of our life depends on how we channelize our energy and bring it into useful action.

Make a conscious choice on how you wish to expound your energy into the world. Do you want to destroy or build? Harm or heal?

Remain True to Yourself

The thing about languages and translation is they are never the same. One of the Yamas is Satya. In literal terms, it means truth. A logical-minded person would read it as “stick to the facts”. But Satya is far beyond that.

When you practice Satya in life, it does not merely mean speaking the truth.

You can be honest and truthful with others only when you practice the same with your conscience. What are your true goals in life? Be specific. Where do these goals feature in your priorities? How do you feel about them?

At times we blame the outcome on an external factor but the “truth” is we did not put in adequate efforts. It is in these situations when Satya is important.

The biggest truth is how we conduct ourselves when no one is watching. No matter what, our Karma will catch up if we were lying whether to others or ourselves. When we act with honesty and truthfulness, we reap the benefits of good Karma too. Just that it is not visible like a balance sheet item. We experience it in our lifetime in the form of families, relationships, friends, jobs, and events.

TO PUT IT ALL TOGETHER

Mary Holloway said, “Resilience is knowing that you are the only one that has the power and responsibility to pick yourself up.”

Practicing and imbibing the Yamas in your life can help make you strong internally. These practices will help us mold our character into a desirable form. But mastering the Yamas and transforming our lives is not easy or possible with the snap of a finger.

If what I have written is convincing then try it.

Give yourself time. Do not equate this to losing weight in 6 or 8 weeks. It is a lifestyle change, a mindset transformation. It will and should take time.

Let it take a month, year, or years. Be patient.

You can try one at a time, see the effects, adopt more or try another and slowly develop your practice. Do not try to do everything at one time. And once you are on the path of this change, see the magic unfold.

A positive shift in mindset will make you strong mentally and emotionally and it will lead to a healthy body. The ultimate goal is fulfillment, feeling of contentment, attaining a happy positive state of mind.

We will revisit this with newer insight. Till then keep practicing. Make small incremental changes in your life. Move towards your goal.

Live a healthy life.

I write about small businesses, health, and life as I see it on Medium, LinkedIn, and my website.

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