To Stop Suffering, Adopt an Infinite Mindset
Could trying to win an unwinnable game be causing your pain?
Much of life is made up of infinite games— everything from relationships, to parenting, to work, to business. Even life itself is an infinite game. The problem is, we relate to others, parent our kids, go to work, run our businesses, and even lead our lives as if these things are finite games. And this has disastrous consequences.
The concept of finite and infinite games was first introduced by Dr. James P. Carse, Professor Emeritus of history and literature of religion at New York University, in his 1986 book, Finite and Infinite Games. In his book, Dr. Carse writes that “[a] finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”
Simon Sinek, author of The Infinite Game, is quoted in Forbes describing the differences between Carse’s two games:
Finite games are defined as known players, fixed rules, and an agreed-upon objective. An infinite game is defined as known and unknown players, the rules are changeable, and the objective is not to win — the objective is to keep playing, keep perpetuating the game.
Relationships are an infinite game because there are no winners and losers. The point is to keep the game going. Likewise, there are no fixed rules for parenting. There are certainly better and worse practices, but there are no unchanging rules for the specifics of parenting in an ever-changing culture. We just try to help our kids grow the best we can with the resources and knowledge we have.
Even business, an industry chock full of the finite metaphors of winning/losing and the language of sports competitions (which are finite games), is actually an infinite game. In her article, “Five Leadership Lessons: How To Build An Infinite Mindset”, Susan Galer quotes Sinek:
“[T]here’s no such thing as winning business.”
You might feel as though you have the best product in your category today, but that can change tomorrow as new players enter the game or the definition of ‘best product’ changes based on the evolution of customer desire.
Life is itself an infinite game. Although we often live at the pace of competition and believe that we’ll succeed by fulfilling cultural expectations, life’s not something that can be won or lost. Instead, the only universal goal in life is to keep playing and to not quit.
“No matter how successful we are in life, when we die, none of us will be declared the winner of life.” -Simon Sinek
The Danger of Playing the Game With the Wrong Mindset
There’s nothing wrong with having a finite mindset if you’re playing football. Football has clear rules that govern its play, known players, and, at the end of the game, there’s a winner and a loser. You play to win and having a finite mindset helps.
But the trouble begins when you don’t understand the game you’re playing and end up playing it with the wrong mindset. In his book, The Infinite Game, Simon Sinek writes, “We have to recognize what type of game we’re playing and then play with the right mindset of the game we are in.”
When we play infinite games as finite players, we suffer. Playing to win an unwinnable game only frustrates us and burns us out. Sinek writes:
“Leading with a finite mindset in an infinite game leads to all kinds of problems, the most common of which include the decline of trust, cooperation and innovation.”
Playing infinite games with a finite mindset not only makes us suffer, it sabotages progress. Competition belongs in finite games where the rules are clear and the players are known. But in infinite games, since there can never be a winner, competition becomes fruitless and leads to insularity and mistrust. It destroys progress. Instead, in an infinite game, cooperation drives progress.
Playing to win an unwinnable game only frustrates us and burns us out.
What’s an Infinite Mindset Like?
Infinite players have an infinite mindset. If you spend most of your time living and leading with a finite mindset, it may be hard to imagine what an infinite mindset is like. Consider these examples as snapshots into the infinite mindset:
- Infinite Players Play to Grow: Because there’s nothing to win, infinite players look to grow, evolve, and level up. They look at failure as a necessary event that contributes to the experience of the game and one that moves it forward.
- Infinite Players Play to Cooperate and Contribute: Because competition is irrelevant in an infinite game, infinite players seek to cooperate and riff on the developments of their fellow players. They seek ways to work together and focus their individual energy on making their unique contribution to the game.
- Infinite Players Believes in Something Bigger Than Themselves: In The Infinite Game, Sinek notes that infinite players live and work for “a just cause”—an affirmative, optimistic, inclusive, service-oriented, resilient, ultimately unachievable purpose. Their environment doesn’t change this. Flipping burgers at McDonald's just becomes another context to work toward their just cause of a world where, for example, everyone has the opportunity to feel special.
- Infinite Players Live to Leave a Legacy: Sinek writes, “[Infinite players] are the ones who know that it is not about the next quarter or the next election; it is about the next generation.” For infinite players, success doesn’t mean finishing the cause. It means inspiring others to pick up your torch and to carry it forward, continuing to progress toward their hopeful, optimistic vision. A vision that will never be fully achieved.
You Can Adopt an Infinite Mindset
The good news is that you can adopt an infinite mindset and, in so doing, shift how you experience relationships, parenting, business, and life. Becoming an infinite player with an infinite mindset is itself an infinite game. There is no 5-step program to becoming an infinite player. There is not an intensive course.
Instead, I will encourage you to do two things to begin your journey as an infinite player:
- Recognize the game: If you still don’t recognize that what you’re playing is an infinite game, you’ll keep playing by the same wrong rules. Start by trying to notice what infinite games you’re a part of. It seems simple, but becoming aware is the hard work.
- Practice the infinite mindset: Begin playing to grow instead of to win. Try cooperating instead of competing. Find something to believe in that’s bigger than yourself. And commit to leaving a legacy.
Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to this. Practice these mental shifts every day and catch yourself when you’re thinking with a finite mindset in the game of your relationships, your business, or your life. Over time, your dominant mindset will become an infinite one. And, of course, you can switch back over to the finite mindset when it’s time to play football!
“As for us, those who choose to embrace the infinite mind-set, our journey is to feel inspired every morning, safe when we’re at work and fulfilled at the end of each day. And when it’s our time to leave the game, we will look back at our lives and our careers and say, ‘I lived a life worth living’, but even more importantly, when imagining what the future holds, we’ll see how many people we inspired, to carry on the journey without us.” -Simon Sinek
The Interplay of Finite and Infinite Games
Like battles in a war, there are many finite games within every infinite game. But Sinek notes that it’s possible to win all the battles and still lose the war. And so the proper focus of our work is the infinite game. Losing 10 pounds might achieve your finite goal, but it doesn’t mean you’re done exercising. You might have finished the finite game of “the diaper stage” with your child, but you haven’t finished the infinite game of parenting. That’s the actual work, and it never ends.
There Are Lots of Infinite Games
The examples I’ve given are just the beginning of the infinite games that surround us. For example, love is an infinite game — you are never finished loving. Making the world a better place is an infinite game, and so is learning. Even writing on Medium is an infinite game — there are always more ideas to write about and readers to inspire.
The Takeaway
A lot of our frustration and disappointment in life comes from playing infinite games as finite players. If you want to change your relationships, your experience at the (home) office, or your small business, adopt an infinite mindset:
- Finite games have clearly defined rules, known players, winners and losers. Infinite games, on the other hand, are constantly changing, have players that come and go, and there are no winners or losers.
- A lot of our frustration and disappointment in life comes from playing infinite games as finite players with finite mindsets.
- Infinite players have an infinite mindset. They play to grow, to cooperate, to contribute. They play for a purpose bigger than themselves and they play to leave a legacy.
- To become an infinite player, recognize that the game you’re playing can't be won or lost and start playing with an infinite mindset: find a just cause, seek to grow, cooperate with others, and commit to leaving a legacy. And continue to practice, practice, practice.
Trying to win an unwinnable game may be causing your suffering. So change your life by adopting an infinite mindset and experience the game the way it’s played!
Hi, I’m Michael. Thanks for reading this article! It represents day 22 of my current 30-day writing project. If you enjoyed it, you may also like to read this article I wrote: To Accomplish Your Goals, Do Something Insignificant Right Now.
