I have wishes

To My Wife Upon The Occasion Of My Death

You Can Remarry

Dear My Loving Wife,

I have no plans of leaving this plane of existence anytime soon. You never know, though. I could be in a car accident, have a bone lodge in my throat, or the wrong person could cough on me.

It’s a dangerous world.

If I die, I want you to be happy. You deserve love and happiness and pleasure.

It’s okay with me if you remarry. You may do so with my blessing.

I have requests. Not conditions. Just requests.

You may honor them or not. And if you don’t honor them, you may still remarry. Just maybe not with my blessing.

1. Marry someone you love.
2. Marry someone you love, just not as much as you love me.
3. I’m even okay with you having sex with your new husband. Good sex. Great sex even. Just… make sure it’s not as good as it is with me.
4. In fact, if during the act you could think, “Man this is great, but it’s at least 25% less hot than it used to be,” I’d super appreciate it.
5. If it helps get you to only 10% less hot than it used to be, feel free to imagine you’re still with me. Only, me as I am now, not me as I will be then. Otherwise, it would be weird.
6. Oh, and no threesomes. I can’t ask you, “Don’t do anything with him you didn’t do with me.” But there are some things we never did that he shouldn’t get to enjoy. I do have an idea of how we can cross this one off the list. That’s another letter, though.
7. Oh. And don’t marry Chris. Anyone but him. Hmm. Or Don. Anyone but Chris and Don. Oh, and what was that guy’s name you met at work? You know what? I’ll send you a list.

Thanks for listening. I only want you to be happy. In fact, I want you to be somewhere between 75–90% as happy as you are with me.

Sincerely,

Yours Until Death Do Us Part

Scott Hughey had a similar talk with his own wife the other night. It went a lot like this letter, only with a modified #7