To Mute or Not to Mute

Summary

The article humorously contemplates the modern dilemma of whether to mute participants during a Zoom call to maintain a professional atmosphere amidst various domestic distractions.

Abstract

In a playful adaptation of Shakespeare's famous soliloquy, the author ponders the challenges of remote work, specifically the cacophony of background noises during video conferences. The piece, titled "To Mute or Not to Mute," satirically questions the merits of enduring these disturbances versus the decisive act of muting all participants to ensure a focused and efficient meeting. The author, Marilyn Flower, suggests that the sanity and success of virtual business meetings hinge on the ability to control the audio environment, ultimately advocating for a "mute all" policy to preserve the professional decorum of online conferencing.

Opinions

The author views the background noise during Zoom calls as a significant hindrance to professional communication, likening it to "slings and arrows of outrageous noise."
There is a clear preference for muting participants to avoid distractions such as eating sounds, chatter, cell phone noises, and other domestic sounds that can disrupt the flow of a meeting.
The article expresses frustration with the lack of discretion some participants exhibit, including inappropriate attire or actions that would not be acceptable in a physical office environment.
The author implies that remote work has led to a relaxation of professional standards, which they believe needs to be corrected to maintain business decorum and efficiency.
The piece humorously suggests that the chaos of unmuted participants could lead to the downfall of a business meeting, hence the hyperbolic conclusion that perhaps all participants should be muted to save the meeting from "Calamity."
There is an underlying tone of exasperation with the current state of virtual meetings, coupled with a call to action for leaders to enforce stricter meeting protocols.

A modern boss’ lament.

To mute, or not to mute, that is the question: Whether ’tis better in the zoom to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous noise, Or to take arms against a sea of boxes And by muting, silence them to peaceful quiet; Rustling no more, and by mute, we mean shut Up and not have to endure the headache of A thousand chomps and chews the jaw is heir to. ’Tis a non-consummation so devoutly to be wished. To think, to speak — To think, perchance to be heard; aye there’s the rub, For in that train of thought, what ideas may flee, If we don’t silence this infernal chat Which crazed us make? Here’s the thing That makes much Calamity of such key zooms: For who would bear the Whips and Scorns of noise? The chatterbox’s din, the loud man’s crinkles, The pangs of cell phones, the dog’s proud bark, A baby’s cry, a mad toilet’s whoosh flush, The insolence of giggles, and the spasms Of mirth that demands patience in the face of Doing serious business — requiring Complete Quietus, sans distraction brought By beholding bare Bodkins? Who would dare Bare their bod, distracting, perchance to blow The deal of the decade? And yet there are Those who would disrobe with indiscreet measure Of whether or not so doing disrupts — With or without sound. My God, must we dread This too? With horrid sights as well as sounds? Fair disruption abounds here in doomed zoom’s Online rooms. How might a conscientious CEO ensure a business confab Proceed with calm efficiency and haste Without countless distractions from the ranks? And rank they are, chomping and texting as If they were home — which they are! Yet we’re far Too lenient with the crew. It’s gotten way Out of hand. This won’t do. So we proceed By pressing MUTE ALL, and thus we shall remain From now until the fall. So shall this noble Enterprise sustain, fully sane and solvent, Otherwise, I say, “F” it, fire them all!

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.