To Get Unstuck, You Must Go Through the Dark Night of The Soul

Uncommon ways to access the transformative power of positive disintegration

“How would you feel if you were in this exact situation in six years?” I asked.

My friend Brooke responded without a second of hesitation, “Oh God, I would kill myself.”

And she meant it.

Brooke had been in an abusive marriage for over 28 years. She recalls how she almost walked away the night before the wedding. But everyone had traveled from all over the world to be there. She didn’t want to let people down. So, she walked down the aisle.

Over the years, she had threatened to leave her husband multiple times. She would get in the car and start driving. But she was unable to leave the three beautiful sons they had together. So, a few hours later, she would always turn back around. She always had an excuse, there was always a “later.”

But she knew the real reason she couldn’t walk away. It wasn’t the children, financial security, or even what people thought.

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through what it takes to leave him,” she says quietly.

“It’s true that it will suck. Your children may not understand. Your mutual friends may choose his side. You may lose your house and your savings in the divorce. In fact, there is almost no guarantee of anything. But if you stay, there is a guarantee that the next six years will be just as bad as the last six,” I said.

A heavy silence descended as she realized what she had to do. Irrespective of how much she didn’t want to. She knew that she would have to go through it. Delaying it would only mean she had more years of suffering before ultimately having to take the step anyway.

Will you choose the possibility of a limitless life or the guarantee of a limited one?

And what about you, dear reader?

How would you feel if you continued down the path you’re on for the next six years?

Perhaps your rut isn’t as intense as Brooke’s. Maybe you just feel like you lack purpose, are stagnated in your growth, or are missing meaningful relationships.

Sure, you might get a promotion, make a bit more money, or date a few more people. But what if you were the same person on the inside still experiencing the world in exactly the same way — just older?

Though the circumstances may be different, what is keeping you stuck is likely the same thing that is keeping Brooke stuck. You don’t want to explore the parts of you that you have been repressing and be forced to confront them for an unknown outcome. You don’t want to go through the effort, time, and insecurity to get unstuck.

In short, you don’t want to go through the Dark Night.

What is The Dark Night?

The original phrasing of the “Dark Night of the Soul” is accredited to the 16th-century Spanish poet, St. John of the Cross, in his treatise Dark Night. The poem narrates a journey where the destination is unknowable, and the path is uncertain.

The main theme of The Dark Night is the “unselfing” — the release of beliefs, fears, and identities — in order for a greater purpose of the soul to be revealed. In modern times, the Dark Night is synonymous with an extremely painful period in one’s life such as the loss of a loved one, diagnosis of a disease, or an existentialist crisis.

Here is the important part — we are constantly given advice on how to avoid these painful periods or to escape them as quickly as possible but what if the Dark Night was actually necessary for transformative growth?

That’s exactly what Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dąbrowski proposed when he developed the Theory of Positive Disintegration.

The Theory of Positive Disintegration

Dąbrowski observed that the lives of most people were shaped by their biological impulses and/or by an unquestioning acceptance and conformity to societal norms. He referred to this state as “primitive integration.”

The Theory of Positive Disintegration centers around the idea that mental growth comes from the ability to break down these existing psychological structures. These disintegrations allow individuals to re-evaluate their priorities, values, and beliefs. More importantly, it allows an “ego death” and the opportunity to reframe their identity to what is more aligned with their unique personality ideal.

Essentially, positive disintegration allows you to consciously choose ways of thinking and behaving that align with being “more yourself” and reject and stop those that make you feel “less yourself.”

The main takeaway is this — the way of thinking and decisions that got you to your state of stuckness will not get you out of it. The authentic version of yourself that uses the best of your talents and strongest traits must be shaped through a process of questioning your beliefs, rejecting the identities that you didn’t choose, confronting your deeper fears, and reducing the need for external validation.

Unfortunately, as renowned poet Robert Frost so eloquently states,

“The only way out is through.”

How to go through the Dark Night

Even after Brooke had come to the realization that she couldn’t stay stuck, she was paralyzed with indecision and fear. Brooke had spent so long focused on all the things that she didn’t want in her life that she had completely forgotten about all the things that she did want.

So, we used the exercises below to remind her what she would gain by disintegrating her current self and then to actually move through her Dark Night.

Disclaimer: The material contained in this article is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional before undertaking any action relating to the information you have read in this article.

1. The funeral exercise

The funeral exercise involves visualizing two funerals — both your own. The first would be your ideal one and the second would be what your funeral would look like if you continued on your current life trajectory. Visualize both funerals through these three lenses:

• Connection — How did you love and how were you loved?
• Contribution — What have you created or contributed to the world? Did you ever live up to your full, unique potential?
• Experiential — What have you experienced or enjoyed?

You will very quickly see the gap between the ideal life you would want to live and the life you are living today. Write it down and identify the areas that you need to work on.

2. Narrative therapy — Re-writing your identity

Author Dan Harris wrote that he had originally wanted the title of his book to be, “The voice in my head is an a$$hole.”

If you chuckled at that sentence, it’s because you know that the storyteller in your mind can be your worst enemy. But what most people don’t realize is that you can actually override this default narrator.

Narrative therapy is a form of therapy that aims to make your storyteller your best friend. A key focus of this form of therapy is to separate the problems you face and the mistakes you make from your core identity. It also aims to dispel the thought that you are biologically predetermined to be bad at anything. Some simple exercises you can do are:

• Externalizing — This involves separating who you are from the actions you take or the problems that you face. For example, instead of saying “I am stupid,” you would say “I have made stupid mistakes, but I am great at resolving problems.”
• Highlights reel — The idea is to curate a set of memories that contradict a certain negative self-belief. For example, if you believe that you are socially awkward, you might try to visualize with great specificity the best dates you’ve been on, the most meaningful moments with family and friends you’ve had, and the most amazing parties you’ve attended.

3. The Phoenix Exercise (Kill, Keep, Create)

One of the most encouraging realizations I’ve ever had is the knowledge that I can reinvent my life as frequently as I choose. Once you understand what you want from your ideal life, and have re-written your identity, you can re-design your life with an exercise I call the Phoenix exercise. It consists of three parts — Kill, keep, and create.

• Kill — What parts of your current life do you need to completely destroy for things to change? It could be toxic relationships, a career that is destroying your soul, or beliefs that are preventing you from living your best life. A good starting point is exploring the “shadow” aspects of yourself — the parts you have been avoiding or repressing. They are often associated with feelings of guilt and shame.
• Keep — Identify the things that you are most grateful for and that are still serving you. Consciously choose to invest more deeply in these areas.
• Create — List the things you would need to create in order to get to your ideal life. For example, if you killed off your toxic relationships in the Kill step, you would need to create a new social community that is more aligned with your values.

4. Your-Emotions-Are-Not-Reality Exercise

Often, a big reason people stay stuck is because feelings of helplessness or anxiety can make them feel that their problems are insurmountable. When I feel this way, an exercise I often use is to name my feelings as a separate persona.

One of my personas is called “Anxious Atticus.” Atticus creates intense feelings that make everything a much bigger deal than it actually is and actively blocks productive decision-making. Atticus can sometimes appear for no apparent reason but occasionally provides useful insight (e.g., x situations always stress me out). Ignoring Atticus causes my anxiety to intensify but simply validating that his presence is OK often makes him go away.

By naming these emotions with a specific persona, I can identify what usually triggers them to appear, how to pacify them, and more importantly — be reminded that they are not permanent. It creates an opportunity for me to respond rather than react to my feelings.

This exercise borrows from the concept of emotional compartmentalization (originally coined by Sigmund Freud). Studies show that it works because it allows a person to separate what is stressing them out (feelings) from other parts of decision-making that should stand on their own.

Does it have to be so dramatic? What about micro-habits?

This article has been unique in that my target audience has been…me.

Though I have passed through the Dark Night many times myself and experienced the transformative power of shedding my old self and consciously creating a new one, I still found myself bargaining with the universe.

Do I really have to go through such drastic changes? Must I really kill the identity I spent years building that gives me so much social validation? The psychological tension I feel is really so mild. Can’t I just change a few small habits every day?

I’m reminded that this internal bargaining is because I make the same mistake I always make when I try to avoid something uncomfortable. I try to change what I do instead of how I feel — because it’s a little less scary.

It’s analogous to swimming in a pool versus the ocean. The activity and your capability are the same. But without being willing to face discomfort, you will be deprived of the depth, surprise, and delight of the underwater world. Even if you swim faster, more efficiently, or for longer in a pool, it will never have the ability to surprise you.

Going through the Dark Night isn’t about the guarantee of wealth, success, or achievement. It’s the promise of changing how you experience life.

It’s feeling empowered that you can design your internal reality and be free from societal expectations. It’s feeling courageous because you have lived life exactly how you want to. It’s experiencing the serenity that comes from knowing that you have lived up to your true potential.

I’ll leave you (and myself!) with this question — You may be having a pretty good life right now; You may have a job others envy, influential friends, and accolades — but do you feel deeply connected, purposeful, empowered, and joyful every single day? Did you choose this life or did society choose it for you?

There’s only one way to find out.

“The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.” — Joseph Campbell, American author known for The Hero’s Journey.

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