Use This Ancient Technique to Shut Down Any B.S. Artist

It cuts right through the noise.

Depending on who you’re dealing with, you have to do the opposite of most advice out there. You have to get a little terse. The ancient Greeks had a strategy for that.

We’re taught that being nice gets you somewhere in life. We learn all kinds of puppy dog tricks to make everyone like us.

Usually, it works.

Other times, the effort we go through to secure someone’s approval doesn’t matter. The problem isn’t with the advice. It’s that sometimes you wind up having to deal with a sociopath, or an unrepentant narcissist. When that happens, being nice turns into a liability.

The kind of people to watch out for

There’s a certain kind of person who acts nice, but they’re not. Let’s call them a benevolent bully. They weaponize everything we know about likability. They deflect with small talk. They distract with praise. They pretend to listen. Meanwhile, they’re getting ready to screw us.

They actually don’t care about you. They only care about making you feel great for a few minutes. And in those few minutes, you let your guard down and allow them to take advantage of you.

Maybe you walked into a benevolent bully’s office asking for a raise, but instead you left with a warm glow — and more work.

You need armor for dealing with these people. What you learned on the playground isn’t going to cut it.

What is parrhesia?

The Greeks had a term to describe plain-speaking: parrhesia. They used it to describe the moral imperative of speaking your mind, even at the risk of offending someone. There’s a few preconditions:

1. What you say actually has to be true.
2. It has to have moral consequence.
3. It has to be intended for the general good.
4. You usually invoke parrhesia when speaking plainly to someone in a position of power.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you smile, how diplomatic you are, or how good you are at small talk. What matters is being the best at what you do, and getting to the point.

You have to say what you mean, with as few words as possible. You have to know when you’re being manipulated, and how to stop it. You have to be okay with nagging and pestering.

You have to learn how to be the right kind of rude.

Let’s break it down.

1. It’s time to trim the hedges

Practice cutting the hedges and circumlocutions from your emails and conversation. Here’s an example:

Brad,

I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you were done with that presentation yet. I’d love to take a look.

That’s a good opening move. A normal person would appreciate the soft touch with a gentle reminder. But Brad’s an asshole who doesn’t respect you, so he’s late with his work again. So try this:

Brad,

Your presentation was due yesterday, and you haven’t responded to my emails. You need to send me what you have now.

Brad might get a little upset and ask why you’re being so terse with him. Don’t play his game. Stay focused on his presentation.

2. Ditch “please,” “thank you,” and “sorry”

We use these kinds of words to grease our social interactions. It’s a way of deferring, and some of use fall back on them too much.

Reserve them for people who treat you with respect, and seem to actually care about your interests.

It doesn’t matter how polite someone is to your face. If they’re not taking you seriously, then don’t indulge their ego by pretending to be polite. Make them earn your please and thank you.

3. Always keep your cool

If you’re usually polite and easygoing, then acting terse is enough. You don’t have to lose your temper and blow up.

That works against you.

Raising your voice or lobbing threats and insults doesn’t make you look unlikable, it makes you look unhinged.

That’s when someone can call you “uncivil.”

Your goal isn’t to make everyone scared, or think you’re the living reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory. It’s getting the right people to treat you with the actual respect you deserve.

4. Don’t get trapped in small talk

Sometimes, a benevolent bully will try to leverage a meeting by acting like a really nice, warm person. They won’t start a meeting with your agenda. They’ll try to heat you up by asking about your weekend, or your kids, or anything other than what you came to talk about.

You can give brief answers like, “They’re fine.” You don’t have to give them an epic narrative. Just sit there and wait until they run out of ice breakers. When they get to the point, listen carefully.

5. Learn how to refocus the conversation

A gifted B.S. artist knows how to steer a conversation away from their faults and mistakes. They’ll use anything at their disposal. They’ll try to make you feel important. They’ll give you compliments and ask for your input on something completely unrelated.

Here’s how to handle that:

1. Show up with a short but detailed (and numbered) list of what you want.
2. Don’t accept fake compliments. At most, say “thanks” and return to one of your key points.
3. When someone offers an excuse, summarize it back to them and ask for confirmation. Cut out the qualifications, put it plain language, and write it down for future reference. For example, “So you’re saying I do deserve a raise, but you can’t afford me.”
4. Shut down tangents by saying something like, “We can talk about that later if you want.”
5. Call them out on contradictions. Just say, “That’s not what you said five minutes ago,” or “Yesterday you told me something different.”
6. Fact check them to their face.

All of this means you’ll have to get comfortable with awkward conversations, and with coming off as a little rude. A B.S. artist or benevolent bully might even call you “terse” or “uncooperative.” You should push back on that too. Tell them they’re not giving you any choice.

6. Keep it short and simple

Honestly, don’t say more than you need to. Don’t try to lecture someone on how they should feel about you. Don’t try to extract more of an apology than they’re willing to give. Here’s all you have to do:

1. State what you need.
2. Explain why you deserve it.
3. Give evidence to support your case.
4. Explain what will happen if you don’t get it.
5. Be calm and objective.
6. Follow up, and follow through.

Be careful with step #4. Don’t threaten to quit or sue anyone. But make it clear you’re not going to just forget, either.

Learn how to say yes. Even after someone admits a mistake, they’re going to pad it with little excuses. Don’t be surprised. Some people aren’t use to apologizing. Listen to their explanations and little guilt-trips. Let them slide right off. As long as you’re getting what you need, that’s all that matters. You don’t have to narrate the history of your relationship, or make them promise it won’t happen again. (It probably will.) You also don’t have to cushion your conversation with expressions of gratitude.

7. Don’t get scared and back down

Being direct with someone has a way of showing you their true colors. Sometimes, it’s unpleasant to find out what someone’s really like under their veneer. But there’s a silver-lining here.

Knowing what someone really thinks gives you an advantage. You don’t have to worry about offending them anymore.

If you go into a conversation with a level head, and the other person winds up saying mean things, that’s on them.

It’s always better to know the real situation.

8. Keep it neat and professional

Ultimately, you can’t get too worked up over someone trying to stab you in the back, at work or otherwise.

This is how some people are built. They got where they are by fluffing people up to do things for them, and then skipping out on the bill. Holding someone accountable doesn’t mean nursing a grudge.

You don’t need to spread rumors about them, or broadcast your experience, or publicly shame them.

But you don’t have to cover for them, either.

Remembering how someone let you down isn’t immature. You don’t have to forgive them, or be their friend. You don’t have to try to punish them, either. Just file away what you learned. Save it for later. In the mean time, minimize your dependence — and your interactions.

This isn’t petty. You’re protecting yourself. Everyone teaches you how to treat them. If they want you to be nice, then they should tell the truth and follow through on their word.

You don’t have to act this way around everyone. If you did, then you’d be a pretty hard person to get along with. You just have to learn when someone’s taking you for granted.

Most of the time, you want to play nice. You want to do little favors for people. And when they mess up, you want to exercise a little charity and forgiveness. But nobody is entitled to that.

You don’t have to keep saying, “It’s okay…” You’re allowed to sit down in front of someone and tell them it’s not. If they call you rude for advocating for yourself, that’s their problem.