To Forgive or Not

Summary

The article "To Forgive or Not" presents a personal reflection on the nature and implications of forgiveness, exploring its definition, power dynamics, and role in healing.

Abstract

In "To Forgive or Not," the author delves into the complex concept of forgiveness, questioning its true meaning and the power it bestows. The essay examines whether forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the forgiver, the forgiven, or both, and whether it requires a complete release of negative emotions. It also discusses the limitations of one's ability to forgive on behalf of others or in a broader societal context. The author ponders the necessity of forgiveness in personal healing and challenges the notion that forgiveness is a prerequisite for moving beyond harm. Ultimately, the article suggests that the decision to forgive is deeply personal and should be free from external pressures.

Opinions

Forgiveness is a powerful act that can set both the forgiver and the forgiven free from negative emotions and past hurts.
The act of forgiveness may be more about the forgiver's release from anger and blame than about the perpetrator's redemption.
True forgiveness requires letting go completely, not just verbally forgiving while harboring resentment.
One cannot forgive on behalf of others or claim to forgive in the name of a higher power, as this oversteps personal boundaries and lacks genuine emotional release.
Forgiveness is seen as a crucial part of the healing process for the author, though it acknowledges that healing is possible without forgiveness for some.
The decision to forgive should be made freely and without coercion, as true forgiveness must come from the heart.
The author believes that forgiveness wipes the slate clean, allowing for forward movement without bringing up past transgressions to induce guilt.
The article suggests that forgiving oneself can be more challenging than seeking forgiveness from others.

Some personal thoughts on forgiveness.

Photo by the author, Marketa Zvelebil

A friend of mine posted the above arguments on the internet:

This has been now churning in my mind for a while…so I thought I would write a few thoughts for others who are interested to also ruminate….

Firstly, what is forgiveness? If you say “I forgive you” what does it actually mean? Who is the powerful one at that moment? You, having the power to forgive? Or the one receiving it? It is a very powerful statement, especially if meant truly -and that is another question. Is forgiveness a wiping clean of the slate? And in the end who does forgiveness help/make feel better? I do not have answers to these questions, only ruminations so let’s look at some of these below.

What is forgiveness?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as ‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offence or debt’.

Other sources: Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, disagreement, or mistake, or “ceasing to demand punishment or restitution”.

What does it mean to forgive? In my mind, when I “forgive” someone, I want to put whatever harm/hurt the other has done to me behind me. I want to move forward without that hurt being there between us. Or I just want to let it go, and forget the person as well. For me that act of “forgiving” sets me free. Free from anger, blame, and a lot of other negative emotions that drain me. It is not easy to “forgive” and to let go. So, do I forgive only so that I benefit? No, because that setting free of me could not be done without setting free the perpetrator. I hope that the forgiving will set them free as well. Would I be able to forgive everything? I have no idea.

Who has the power of forgiveness?

Do we actually have the power to forgive and be forgiven? According to the definitions above “‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offence or debt” and “ceasing to demand punishment or restitution” is often not up to us. In many such cases it is up to whatever law(s) of our country. In the wider sense of “forgiveness” we can only forgive on behalf of ourselves. We cannot forgive in the name of others that may have been harmed nor “in the name of God” (as some people seem to think) as we are neither. We do not have that power and we should not be so egoistical to think that we do.

Do we forgive because it gives us a sense of power over the perpetrator? The sense that we hold his or her happiness and peace of mind in our hands? Are we then not guilty of doing harm as well? I have had someone tell me “I forgive but will not forget” — is that real forgiveness?? I doubt it. To me for forgiveness to be real it must come from the heart and from really letting go. And that is a very powerful thing to do when we have been hurt.

Is forgiveness a wiping clean of the slate?

I think so — yes. It must be, to be able to move forward. Though it does not mean that lessons shouldn’t be learned from the act. But once “forgiven” it should not be brought back into conversations and especially not as a reminder to make the perpetrator feel guilty again.

And in the end who does forgiveness help/make feel better?

As I wrote above, for me it is a form of healing, moving past the offence. I would hope the same for others that truly forgive someone. As to the perpetrator, I would assume that he/she would feel better, but I think if they have a conscience, it will be a more difficult journey, even if they are forgiven by the victim — they also have to forgive themselves and that may be more challenging. Often, we are harsher on ourselves than others are on us. But of course, it depends on the “crime” and the perpetrator’s sense of culpability. So, coming back to that post. “You don’t have to forgive the person who harmed you”. No, you don’t, it is up to you to choose.

“Telling victims to forgive is a boundary Violation”. It must be up to the victim as true forgiveness has to come freely and from the heart.

“There is a popular myth that says forgiveness is required for healing — it isn’t” I don’t agree with that statement. For me, at least, it forms a large part of healing. Without the forgiveness there are always negative thoughts that affect me both emotionally and physically. Often the forgiveness is a silent one, i.e. I don’t go to the perpetrator and say “I forgive you”- especially if they may not even be aware how much they have hurt me…I forgive them in my mind, I let the hurt and anger go.

“and whether you forgive or not is nobody’s business but your own”. Yes, it must be yours and yours only.