To Feel More Secure in Relationships, Understand Your Own Wiring

Five simple steps to hack your attachment-style.

It was the most terrifying three pm of my life.

Only a loser would get dumped at a McDonald's in a shady neighborhood on a Monday afternoon.

Well, it just so happens that my best friend is a loser.

I was the first person she called to pick her up. And in fact, the second loser who got lost in an Uber in “Shady Neighborhood” that day.

When I finally got to her, both of us ended up skipping classes that we later had to make up for. And the culprit? You choose.

a) A McNugget addict whose ability to pick a better breakup venue was severely compromised (that’s how you know that stuff is worse than crack)

b) An Uber driver whose Google Maps navigator could be a bottle in “spin the bottle”

c) Two sets of parents who paid for a Medical education for 2 teens who definitely didn’t deserve it

d) Or a long-term relationship between 2 people with attachment disorders. These people had close to no idea of what attachment styles they had. Neither did they intend on finding out or working on it to improve. And so, what was once a beautiful relationship between two of the coolest people I have ever known, ended.

Yeah, obviously it’s D.

All this meant for my friend was to call it quits with McDonald’s for the next year and a half.

What followed in my many all-too-single-to-hold-grudges-against-restaurants years, for me — was a deep dive into the subject of “attachment patterns” to prevent this very, very tragic moment from ever repeating itself again.

Here are a few basic things you need to know before you can hack your attachment style.

There are four main attachment styles.

We create one of them in a very attentive, reliable and usually happy-go-lucky childhood.

This is the Secure Attachment style and around 60% of all people have it. They grow up to be adults who approach relationships with a healthy and balanced mindset.

The other 40% of the population displays the traits of either an Avoidant, Anxious or Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style.

Avoidant

If you’re Avoidant, you might think vulnerability equates with being weak. You shy away from outwardly expressing your feelings. You find it hard to rely on others, and people sometimes complain that you are too cold in relationships.

Anxious

You could also have an Anxious Attachment style. You constantly question your worth in relationships. Often second guess your partner’s love for you. You might also be pretty hard on yourself and ask often why anyone would really want you in their life.

Fearful-Avoidant

Last, you may also be Fearful-Avoidant. In which case, you Yo-Yo between being anxious and cold. One moment you might be very clingy, constantly seek validation and affirmation from a partner. While the next moment, just when it gets too comfortable, you lock others out and become dismissive. Because the idea, that you might eventually be left alone when you get too used to company, scares the daylights out of you.

We know that the above-mentioned habits are not of those securely attached in relationships.

While we cannot go back into our childhoods nor treat the child that once was, with kindness, to ensure its needs are met — it is also not fair to put that task on people we love as adults.

What we can and should do is understand the role our attachment style plays in our relationship.

We can’t completely change who we are or be as good at managing challenging situations as “Securely Attached” people are. But we can definitely use these habits to make us better partners, despite our primary wiring.

#1 Acknowledge your past

Recognizing the past can provide clarity.

Though it might make you sad, angry or embarrassed to admit they mistreated you in past relationships; this might be exactly what helps identify a wound that is still untreated.

Even if the source is your childhood when there was a mismatch between the need for affection and fulfillment from a parental figure. Talking to someone will not only help them empathize with how you feel but also help YOU look at things from the viewpoint of the parent who tried their best.

#2 Recognize the present differs from the past

A few bad experiences do not give us the blueprint for all the people we are ever going to meet.

We can, however, through our constant nagging and accusations, push people to act like the monsters we think they are. Then we fall into the trap of a confirmation bias where we are constantly finding proof in the universe for how all people are selfish, lying and uncaring individuals.

Our past might be full of unfortunate events, but every new relationship is different. It is full of opportunities and we cannot cling on to trauma or baggage if we have hopes of emerging successful. It is just selfish to believe the other person should dedicate all their time and energy to making up for the mistakes of people before them.

#3 Don’t shut others out after a conflict

Not returning texts or calls after a heated argument might be the one thing driving a wedge in your relationship.

It is a natural instinct to run away from challenging and high-risk situations. But when there is a great possibility that the problem lies within us, running might be counter-productive.

When we make people feel that we cannot be criticized or called out for our hurtful behavior, they might feel that we are not open to improving ourselves.

Secure individuals listen even when the thing being said is difficult. They know that it’s through communication that people arrive on the same page and we can resolve the most difficult issues.

Often when someone offends us, they are trying to get a point of view across and failing to convey it in a language we might understand. Though deep down they might really love us.

#4 Develop emotional intelligence or EQ

I’ve noticed that secure individuals almost ALWAYS have this one down. Having EQ means knowing that just because you feel something doesn’t mean it is real.

According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, EQ refers to these 5 things:

• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy
• Social skills

The next time something triggers you and you are on the verge of reacting — pause — in this window, you have a clear view of what makes you so sensitive. Now that you have learned something about yourself, you should feel more confident and in control of how you express yourself.

It’s not an overnight process. It won’t happen in the first instance, but you can take baby steps towards managing extreme outbursts.

People are usually not trying to hurt us and an overreaction can catch them off-guard. When we handle our emotions effectively, we decrease the stress in a situation. We are never rude or out of line.

We are always welcome to bring up how a thing made us feel afterwards. Not only would it be greatly appreciated, but you will earn respect and dignity for pausing when you could have reacted as badly as you felt.

#5 Pay attention

A relationship has two people, and both of them should get to share the spotlight.

While we can’t establish a successful relationship with anyone before we figure ourselves out, it's helpful to seek external help from therapists or close friends to undo our trauma.

Consistently only focusing on what we need, what we can perfect, and what we can bring to the table — can make it all about you. Rather than if we were to focus on the other person and ask them what they would like.

Sometimes, what our relationship needs to feel “secure” is something as simple as a long conversation or a date night to unwind. Don’t forget the person you’re doing all this for.

In Summary

• Acknowledge your past — by talking about childhood and past relationships that have created attachment disorder.
• Present differs from the past — Ignore your tendency to try and fit everything into an unfortunate template you have created for people and situations.
• Face conflict head-on — don’t shut your partner out or shy away from challenging situations.
• Develop Emotion Intelligence — by following the steps above.
• Pay attention — don’t be the one giving your partner reasons to doubt their own attachment by ignoring what they need.