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Abstract

eart I do appreciate him still making time for me and making the effort to visit, I felt that I didn’t want him here, it felt that I am his last priority, although he is always saying how much he misses me, yet his actions seem so much different.At the end of the evening after he left, I sent a message cancelling our day together for Sunday, I told him he can have a day for himself.The truth is the reason I did that is because I am scared for our future, if he is treating me with this disrespect now, how is it going to be when we do start living together, every time he says that we are going to do something how do I trust he will keep to his word and how do it trust that he really does want to spend time with me, when words and actions don’t meet I start to resent that person and lose respect and trust. Even though I know he will never cheat, but if you keep saying “I’m going to see you at 3pm and arrive at 5pm without even messaging just to say “hey I’m running a bit late” that something I cannot continue with. I have waited around for far too many men wasting my time and being treated like a second option.There is no way, no matter how amazing you are am I going to be left feeling like I must just take what I get given. Gone are those days …I put me first, as does he, but when you enter into a relationship you need to understand that both parties need to compromise and make the time to be each other. The thing is as much as we were talking to each other, we weren’t saying what we really wanted or how we feel, we are so over accommodating to each other by giving one another enough space, respecting boundaries that it almost cost us our relationship.Sometimes good things come from a negative situation and finally saying enough is enoughAfter sending my message, he asked the reason why, still I did not open up and just said “things are off between us and I think we just need a day” he replied by saying “Ok cool”, if I must admit it kind of hurt a little, in my mind I was like well there is my answer and in my heart I was crying. 5 minutes later I went up pick up my phone, he had sent a message, acknowledging that I am going through big changes as does he have a lot of work pressure and instead of pushing each other away we should be supporting each other, we have been supporting each other, but still been keeping a good distance not allowing ourselves to become vulnerable. He reassured me that I am his lady, and that is no mistake. I replied with how I felt, I had nothing to lose, in my mind this was make or break, but I cannot carry on in a relationship like this anymore, the moment a relationship brings me down I walk, (yes probably the wrong attitude to have) so I was prepared to say how I felt and if he wasn’t happy then, lets move on.Sometime an honest phone call is all it takes.Immediately he called me, he apologized and agreed that he sees my point, honestly, I didn’t know what to say, wow, what a guy, he didn’t scream or deny, he accepted what I said, agreed he could have done things better, explained why he did what he did, and one of the reasons was that he thought I needed my space after us spending a lot of time together, so he thought he would allow me the time to do my things, as I normally have a lot to get through whether it be during the week or weekend.Sunday morning, feeling great, and excited to see my boyfriend. I decided that morning to

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be honest with him about how I really feel and what really bugs me, to let him know that I have been supportive, understanding and patient, hoping that he would see and want to do things better. Its not easy for me to be open or say what I feel through fear of looking needy and weak, I have a huge wall up to protect myself and I am aware of it. How did I ever think this relationship could work when I don’t let him in?!He picked me up and off we drove to go do some shopping, it was quite funny as to how general we kept the conversation, not our normal selves. Until I said to him “I want to speak to him about how I am really feeling and from there we can decide if we more forward or go in different directions. He looked at me and said, “is it that serious?” I replied “Yes, to me it is”. I proceeded tell him how much I do appreciate him and know we are good together however sometimes how he makes me feel, with what he does and says without putting into action makes me question his value in his word. Things I used to do, I don’t do anymore because I am left waiting, which makes me feel like I am forgotten and not important. We had an open honest conversation, he proceeds to let me know how he hoped that I would have opened up by now and let me walls down, which he is right I haven’t, party due to his ways.Speaking honestly and openly without taking anything to heart or personally and understanding the others needs can lead to great strengths in a relationship.After both of us saying how we feel and what has been bugging us in the past 6 months of dating, we came to the conclusion that we are falling in love with one another, we want to be with each other and spend more time together, share new experiences, build a future and grow into a power couple. I have never agreed more with the saying “assumptions are the mother of all F-Ups”. I assumed he didn’t want to spend time with me, or he needed his space, I assumed this and that, but the truth is, if I had spoken my truth about how I feel and what I really want, it was exactly what he wanted.We need to remember though, when we are asking for what we want and being honestly about our feelings, it needs to come from our hearts and must be said with love and be constructive, we cannot attack the other persons character or blame. It must come from a place of understanding and a willingness to receive criticism, because it is always a two-way street and never only one sided.Today I sit here, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be blessed with man who is strong, confident, understanding, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh, we have great chemistry, I know right sounds like a fairy tale, I literally want to cry tear of joy I am so thankful for this experience of true love.I know we still have many obstacles to climb; I know we still have many walls to break down and get through. Now its happy day again until we get to the next step of moving forward and progressing into the relationship, soon I will need to face the challenge of staying over at his house and getting out of my comfort zone.For now, I am going to enjoy our victory and try my best to always share my feelings with as much love and respect whether good or bad whenever I feel the need.Thank you for reading, I hope that maybe my experience can help someone if you are going through something similar, maybe this can shed some light and bring some hope into your relationship.</article></body>

To communicate or not communicate

Advantages of Healthy communication in a relationship

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

In life, we never really set out to start something so that we can end it. I’ve been in a relationship a little over 8months now. This has been the calmest, easiest, most enjoyable relationship I have ever experienced in my 27 years of dating. There has been no outburst or blaming or attacking, no lies, cheating or degrading. We have only built each other up and provided each other with support and love. Its been great.

This past weekend I caught myself thinking about ending the relationship, in my head I was thinking, this is not for me I can’t move forward, he wants me to start staying over at his house, how am I going to do that while still maintaining my freedom and keeping my routine?! Also how is a relationship built on a foundation where you have only spent 12 waking hours a week 120 together?!

The Questions …

What do I really know about him, what if what I see I don’t like and then we ruin everything, what if he sees something he doesn’t like and tries to start changing me like they all have, it feels like he has another life outside our relationship, what if I do fit in that life or I don’t like who I see he is when I spend more time with him?

All these questions running around in my head, I was just not feeling like we can carry on or move forward, why can things just not stay as they are, its easy and my life is still my life. I tried to blame it on the fact that I don’t think he even wants to spend time with me, by telling myself that he will only make 12 hours a week available to see me and its all on his terms, if he really cares he would make the effort to spend more time with me, wouldn’t he, he knows where I am, I am at home. I felt that I have been really patient and accommodating with his lack of communication to let me know when he will be running late or if we will not be doing what he said he will be doing the day before, that this gave me a good reason to not see him anymore, I thought that he is an adult, why should I tell him what he is doing wrong, surely he can figure out himself, does he not know what he is doing wrong?!

When he makes an effort to change …

Earlier this week he has made an effort to visit me twice instead of our normal Thursday evening dinner, which was great, its been a heavy week with the opportunity to change my career, so it was nice to have him around to speak to and be held. Saturday came which is our usual evening dinner I make for us at home and then we chill out in front of the TV either with some music and discuss things or what a movie. Saturday 5pm comes, I haven’t heard a thing, ok, 6pm comes, he messages to say he is going to shower then be at my place, “he lives 1.5km from my house” he finally arrives at 7:30pm. I tried to be as chilled as possible, I listened to his day, granted he worked later then normal, but then let me know “working late, going to be a late night when I visit, is that ok?” I am the most understanding person when you communicated with me. Why with all my heart I do appreciate him still making time for me and making the effort to visit, I felt that I didn’t want him here, it felt that I am his last priority, although he is always saying how much he misses me, yet his actions seem so much different.

At the end of the evening after he left, I sent a message cancelling our day together for Sunday, I told him he can have a day for himself.

The truth is the reason I did that is because I am scared for our future, if he is treating me with this disrespect now, how is it going to be when we do start living together, every time he says that we are going to do something how do I trust he will keep to his word and how do it trust that he really does want to spend time with me, when words and actions don’t meet I start to resent that person and lose respect and trust. Even though I know he will never cheat, but if you keep saying “I’m going to see you at 3pm and arrive at 5pm without even messaging just to say “hey I’m running a bit late” that something I cannot continue with. I have waited around for far too many men wasting my time and being treated like a second option.

There is no way, no matter how amazing you are am I going to be left feeling like I must just take what I get given. Gone are those days …

I put me first, as does he, but when you enter into a relationship you need to understand that both parties need to compromise and make the time to be each other. The thing is as much as we were talking to each other, we weren’t saying what we really wanted or how we feel, we are so over accommodating to each other by giving one another enough space, respecting boundaries that it almost cost us our relationship.

Sometimes good things come from a negative situation and finally saying enough is enough

After sending my message, he asked the reason why, still I did not open up and just said “things are off between us and I think we just need a day” he replied by saying “Ok cool”, if I must admit it kind of hurt a little, in my mind I was like well there is my answer and in my heart I was crying. 5 minutes later I went up pick up my phone, he had sent a message, acknowledging that I am going through big changes as does he have a lot of work pressure and instead of pushing each other away we should be supporting each other, we have been supporting each other, but still been keeping a good distance not allowing ourselves to become vulnerable. He reassured me that I am his lady, and that is no mistake. I replied with how I felt, I had nothing to lose, in my mind this was make or break, but I cannot carry on in a relationship like this anymore, the moment a relationship brings me down I walk, (yes probably the wrong attitude to have) so I was prepared to say how I felt and if he wasn’t happy then, lets move on.

Sometime an honest phone call is all it takes.

Immediately he called me, he apologized and agreed that he sees my point, honestly, I didn’t know what to say, wow, what a guy, he didn’t scream or deny, he accepted what I said, agreed he could have done things better, explained why he did what he did, and one of the reasons was that he thought I needed my space after us spending a lot of time together, so he thought he would allow me the time to do my things, as I normally have a lot to get through whether it be during the week or weekend.

Sunday morning, feeling great, and excited to see my boyfriend. I decided that morning to be honest with him about how I really feel and what really bugs me, to let him know that I have been supportive, understanding and patient, hoping that he would see and want to do things better. Its not easy for me to be open or say what I feel through fear of looking needy and weak, I have a huge wall up to protect myself and I am aware of it. How did I ever think this relationship could work when I don’t let him in?!

He picked me up and off we drove to go do some shopping, it was quite funny as to how general we kept the conversation, not our normal selves. Until I said to him “I want to speak to him about how I am really feeling and from there we can decide if we more forward or go in different directions. He looked at me and said, “is it that serious?” I replied “Yes, to me it is”. I proceeded tell him how much I do appreciate him and know we are good together however sometimes how he makes me feel, with what he does and says without putting into action makes me question his value in his word. Things I used to do, I don’t do anymore because I am left waiting, which makes me feel like I am forgotten and not important. We had an open honest conversation, he proceeds to let me know how he hoped that I would have opened up by now and let me walls down, which he is right I haven’t, party due to his ways.

Speaking honestly and openly without taking anything to heart or personally and understanding the others needs can lead to great strengths in a relationship.

After both of us saying how we feel and what has been bugging us in the past 6 months of dating, we came to the conclusion that we are falling in love with one another, we want to be with each other and spend more time together, share new experiences, build a future and grow into a power couple. I have never agreed more with the saying “assumptions are the mother of all F-Ups”. I assumed he didn’t want to spend time with me, or he needed his space, I assumed this and that, but the truth is, if I had spoken my truth about how I feel and what I really want, it was exactly what he wanted.

We need to remember though, when we are asking for what we want and being honestly about our feelings, it needs to come from our hearts and must be said with love and be constructive, we cannot attack the other persons character or blame. It must come from a place of understanding and a willingness to receive criticism, because it is always a two-way street and never only one sided.

Today I sit here, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be blessed with man who is strong, confident, understanding, kind, intelligent, makes me laugh, we have great chemistry, I know right sounds like a fairy tale, I literally want to cry tear of joy I am so thankful for this experience of true love.

I know we still have many obstacles to climb; I know we still have many walls to break down and get through. Now its happy day again until we get to the next step of moving forward and progressing into the relationship, soon I will need to face the challenge of staying over at his house and getting out of my comfort zone.

For now, I am going to enjoy our victory and try my best to always share my feelings with as much love and respect whether good or bad whenever I feel the need.

Thank you for reading, I hope that maybe my experience can help someone if you are going through something similar, maybe this can shed some light and bring some hope into your relationship.