To Celebrate the Holiday Spirit of a Shut Down Country, it’s Time For Another Stark Mystery

What could be more appropriate for the latest shutdown?

I hope you’re all staying safe and socially distanced.

Somehow, I’m feeling less Christmas spirit than at any point in my life, which is saying something because my parents were Jewish.

Could it be that nobody goes outside?

Could it be that the few people you do see don’t want to get close enough to your germs to let you wish them “Happy Holidays?”

Could it be that Amazon has replaced Santa on a daily basis, and nobody gives a hoot about some fat guy in a ridiculous costume who wants people to believe in outlandish fairy tales that any rational person over seven years old would reject without hesitation?

But enough about Cheeto Jesus.

I heard the greatest Christmas song ever by the acapella group Straight No Chaser. It was an insane and completely disconnected version of the “12 Days of Christmas.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F20Rc1F2PM

Which reminded me of what we do on Out of Ideas, Out of Time.

The call has been issued.

Sound those digital clarions!

Barricade the doors and your chimney, if you’ve got ‘em.

We’ve got 12 days to recapture the Holiday Spirit (or spirits, if you imbibe) of 2020 in the form of a new collaborative Stark Mystery.

Here’s my holiday gift for you all: a Mad-Lib idea for the new story.

A mysterious message is delivered to Stark at his (choose one: freezing office, drunk tank at jail, his girlfriend’s place at an undisclosed hotel somewhere near an open airport)

It will be revealed later that (choose one: Sean Hannity, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Disney’s CEO, Arnold Schwarzenneger, wants to hire Stark because (choose one)

1. They can’t find Christmas. And without Christmas, how can they do 24/7 coverage on the War on Christmas, while continuing to act as if the 2020 election is not over?
2. They can’t find Covid-19 vaccinations, and all of Fox News’ on-air personalities are falling sick (or are their faces melting off because those toxic lies have been found to have real world side effects)?
3. They need to find the election Grinch, because who else could stuff an extra 7,059,741 (and counting) million ballots in the days leading up to November 3rd?
4. They can’t buy a PS5 in the stores

Stark takes the case, and at some point will meet (choose one or more):

1. Santa Claus
2. The Donald
3. Donald Duck (the real Donald)
4. The desiccated bones of Dr. Seuss
5. The nearly decisscated bones of Dr. Fauci
6. Someone from the cast of Bones
7. A Partridge stuck in a Peartree Inn (Shirley Jones, Susan Dey, or Danny Bonaduce, unless you want to do a seance with David Cassidy, Dave Madden, and Suzanne Crough)
8. A turtle (Mitch McConnell) and a dove (it can be any leader of peace you want, but I kind of like Bob Marley)
9. Three French Hens (Édith Cresson, Édith Piaf, and Édith Scob)
10. Four Flipping Birds (any four members of Monty Python)
11. Five Golden Rings (either Magic Johnson, Derek Fisher, Michael Cooper, or LeBron James after next season)
12. Make one up for yourself (didn’t I do enough already?)

So, who wants to go first?

Will it be one of our ringleaders, like Mark, P.G. or Terrye?

Will it be a newbie?

Or will you just leave it to me to do the heavy lifting?

Okay, if you don’t want to start, how about some suggestions for a title at least?

It would be a very stark Christmas, indeed, without Stark.