To Be Your Best Self, Do This One Thing
The simple act of quieting one’s ego.
It’s an interesting time to be alive right now and look at humanity.
On one side, people are breathing a sigh of relief about justice being served, and crime rates declining. It’s also great to be seeing progressive solutions gaining traction such as ESG (Environmental, Social, and Governance), and union strike support. Beyond that, we’re generally living longer and are more compassionate towards others.
But on the other side of it, we are incredibly divisive as a species. There is a lot of push back against ESG, and there are still companies participating in union busting tactics. A lot of us have employers who don’t care about us and exploit us and it feels like every person is out for themselves and will exploit and use anyone as they see fit.
We have a lot of “hot button topics” these days because people’s opinions on these topics are so divisive and toxic when they ought not to. Topics like pride month (and by extension the LGBTQ+ community), gender equality, and climate change for example.
To address this situation, people have their own thoughts on the matter. One idea that’s been floating around is the return to Enlightenment values. Centering yourself with reason, critical thinking, individualism, and free expression are some of the core tenants and they are appealing.
But being in self-improvement, I’m already quite aware of the sense of individualism and how it’s brought rise to exploitative tactics. When not pushed to the extreme, it can be helpful, but it doesn’t solve the root problem.
The root problem, as some others theorized and I agree with, is our own egos.
You see this in politics and whenever those hot button topics come up in public. Videos, articles, and regular day to day conversations evolve into both sides trying to “win”.
It reminds me a lot of the video game series Ace Attorney. In the first installment we meet two characters who are staples to the franchise: Phoneix Wright and Miles Edgeworth.
At the start of the first game, Edgeworth’s goal is all about winning while Wright (who is controlled by the player) is gripping at straws and throwing various pieces of evidence to try to solve the case. It’s all one big puzzle game but the characters in the game have their own motivations.
Edgeworth is all about winning and never losing whenever he is proscuting someone. Wright is about defending his client, and reaching the real truth, fully convinced his client is not truly guilty and that the circumstances placed them in an unfavourable position.
Naturally the game progresses so that the player wins and over time the story unfolds so that Edgeworth and Wright are good friends set to change the judicial system. However, it feels like for a lot of us, we’re still in those early stages where we’re Edgeworth, trying to win and convict everyone while crushing every defense lawyer unequivacly.
Ego Defined
Something clearly needs to change and for a lot of us, we need to go through our own story arc where we begin helping one another more in reaching the truth. Fortunately, we still have these tendencies baked in and there are plenty of grass root efforts in changing the world around.
You need only look at the support we’re seeing for the Writer’s Guild of America.
But in order for actual progress and change to take hold, our own egoes need to be addressed.
Since psychologists define ego in many different ways, it’s important to first know what I mean by ego in this context. Based on the scenario that I mentioned above, ego in this context is the part of ourselves that needs to see itself in a positive light at all times.
It’s that need to win and to believe that your views are correct and that the other person is wrong. It’s our ego working whenever someone presents an alternative or suggests even slightly that you’re wrong about something. It results in us victimizing ourselves, attacking the other person, or having a complete and utter meltdown.
Our ego to ourselves is a valuable resource, but as you can see, it can be our worst enemy. It can get in the way of seeing other people’s opinions and it diminishes our ability to be self-aware, to self-reflect, and have self-control.
Those three things happen to be curical elements to achieving goals.
Another way to look at it is that it’s our ego that pushes us towards goals to enhance our lives while it’s also our ego that will defend ourselves and inhibit the very goals that we desire to achieve.
The goal is to have our ego move us towards our goal without that blockade. To do so it’s a matter of establishing one thing: a quiet ego.
Quiet Doesn’t Mean Silent
Whenever there is talk about quieting something, we think of it as suppressing the problem. When it comes to our ego, the idea of quieting our ego can be seen as silencing it and ensuring it can never get in the way.
Self-help gurus can frame it in a way where it’s just another obstacle that can be overcome through sheer will. Ego is but a disease that needs to be purged from our system and you need the tranquility of a Buddhist monk to achieve it.
But as I said, our ego is still important. It still has a role to play in encouraging us to grow and improve overall. After all self-improvement is a selfish endeavour and for our benefit. There is some level of ego involved. That messaging is simply confusing and doesn’t make sense on a practical level.
Instead, you want to be looking at what others are saying about a quiet ego. Ironically, there is research being done and there is program established based on Buddhist philosophy and humanistic psychology. This is further reinforced by positive psychology. They put it all in a book called Transcending Self-Interest.
From their research, they were able to find that this method of quieting ones ego does lead to growing as a human being. It enhances productivity, health, self-esteem, and general well being. It shifts away from some of the traditional self-improvement rhetoric we hear were people express loudly it’s about themselves and no one else.
Another way to look at this is that when we quiet our ego, we’re opening our mind to ourselves as well as other people. We effectively tap into what makes us human. Our social skills, our sense of commraderie, our empathy and compassion towards ourselves and to other people.
We set aside our desire to be right at every instance and begin to see the value of conversing and understanding other people’s perspectives.
You have a balance in things, believing in your abilities, but acknowledge you have limitations, and make mistakes. But the important thing is that when those flaws reveal themselves, you don’t feel the need to constantly resort to being defensive when this happens. Your sense of self-worth and competence is still intact and you don’t need yourself or others to coddle you.
Developing this, as the book and researchers outline, stem from 4 core qualities.
Detached Awareness
Being aware means understanding both sides of a situation, however your attention is detached from ego-driven evaluations in those moments. Developing detached awareness is ultimately about making reality as visible as possible.
You need an open mind and acceptance to whatever you discover about yourself and others as well as allowing moments to unfold naturally.
It’s also about not dwelling on things that have already happened but rather see how that changes things in the current moment and make adjustments.
Inclusive Identity
Effectively a deeper sense of empathy. This skill is about understanding other perspectives in a way you can identify with those experiences. This also breaks down barriers as well.
This is a crucial part because this acts as a shield for when you’re under conflict or that your identity or core values are challenged. Instead of being on the defensive and coddling yourself, this pushes you to hearing what others have to say, tie those words with personal experiences.
The inclusive part of this also steers you to being more cooperative and compassionate towards others rather than only trying to gain something from yourself out of the interaction.
Perspective-Taking
This works hand in hand with the previous quality in that you’re stepping into someone else’s shoes. Either way, doing one of these qualities triggers the other so do which one that feels appropriate to you.
In the case of perspective-taking it’s a matter of taking in someone’s perspective and bringing your attention away from yourself and more on what the person is saying.
Over time, you’ll begin to value other people’s perspectives on things just as much as your own thoughts.
Growth-Mindedness
It’s another term for the growth mindset which Carol Dweck established in her book Mindset. In the context of ego, the focus is on evaluating the process rather than end result. At the same time it’s viewing your actions in a much broader scope.
It’s a mindset where in the mind of a quiet ego, there is concern for the long-term impact of actions, but also seeing the present as part of an constant journey rather than a threat. In other words, it’s embracing change, but also thinking about what changes can be done to improve the actions taken now.
A perpetual loop of self-improvement that’s built on these other qualities.
Humanitarian Attitudes And Behaviours
Looking at the 4 core qualities, it’s clear this stretches beyond ourselves and it effectively taps into what self-improvement should’ve been like all along. For sure, there are people out there doing some great work, but we don’t really see this for those at the top.
A lot of those at the top are putting up performances. From Rachel Hollis’s downward spiral of her “stable marriage” to Tony Robbins and his sexual misconduct allegations. Ultimately those at the top would rather not improve social issues.
A quiet ego goes beyond a positive image of ourselves, having healthy self-esteem and coping strategies. It’s also connected to those social issues. It’s connected to humanitarian attitudes and behaviours.
You see this with those core qualities where it values interdependence over total independence. The researchers also stress how these qualities should be worked together rather than in isolation too. That isn’t as big of a problem because each of those qualities feeds into one another naturally.
So even if you’re concerned you’re not quite good enough to quiet your own ego, the actual process isn’t always as difficult as it sounds. Merely being open to new ideas, seeking to connect with other people even for a moment, taking some risks, savouring everyday experiences, and having humility and empathy can go a long way.
This method also pulls away from another idea of self-improvement revolving around sacrificing. It’s the idea of having to give something up in order to improve yourself. It’s actually a facet of narcissism and instills the idea that giving something up makes you more humbling or better than someone who hasn’t given up as much.
It’s basically a “who can hold their breath the longest” sort of contest. Except in this case, the holding your breath is giving up or sacrificing things.
In the end, what a quiet ego cares most about is the betterment of yourself as well as those around you. There shouldn’t be a need to sacrifice anyone or anything for this to happen.
In the end a quiet ego is something we can all learn and work towards little by little and that would ultimately change a lot of the discourse that we’re seeing today. Debates would move beyond trying to score points over the other person and instead focus on what we can learn from one another and take other valid points into consideration.
A good example of this is my view of what political parties should be like. Whether it’s the left or the right, the goal is the steady improvement of all life. Where the left and the right deviate is on the methodology of growth.
The right would focus on slow and steady progression. The “conservative” approach. Still moving forward, but the mentality is “slow and steady wins the race.”
The left would be some of the more progressive ideologies that we see today. Grand and fantastic things. They would embody the more “move fast and break things” attitude that Silicon Valley adopts.
Both sides work as a sort of foil of one another and keep the other in check. Just like how Wright and Edgeworth both work together to get to the bottom of a case in Ace Attorney.
In public conversations, it would be more of the same. Instead of both sides trying to outwit the other in a duel of words, a debate is more of a conversation on how both sides can improve. It’s about acknowledging other perspectives and seeing the merit. It’s about creating something entirely different that you otherwise wouldn’t have learned or thought of until you heard a different perspective.
Quieting ones ego ultimately achieves this and in return helps us all become better people.
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