A TALE OF TWO STAR-CROSSED PENGUINS|SATIRE
To Be a Young Penguin in Love
A Club Penguin Story
Her name was cutie2145 and she had a pure soul. From the way she waddled across that dance floor, I knew she was the one. In those bulbous white eyes were eternities of grace.
We struck up a conversation. As the disco lights from the penguin night club danced through her hair, I knew I wanted to bring her back to my igloo. But I was an inexperienced young lover. The night ended and I watched with devastated eyes as she went home with another penguin. I hadn’t yet even had a real life girl friend; I hardly knew the ropes of penguin love. But I knew one thing: chicks like providers. (Pun intended.)
So in order to show that I was a penguin who could support her lifestyle, I went to the mines. Working the mines is a right of passage for the struggling penguin. For those penguins who couldn’t afford university, it’s all some of us could do to earn a livable wage. The penguin economy is tough.
So day after day, I made my way into that cave. Fortunately, time in the mines didn’t actually require mining. More accurately, I would hop in a mine cart and do as many 360s and front flips as I could cram into thirty seconds. The more impressive my cart parkour abilities, the more coins I’d earn. Over the course of months, I became one of the best cart grinders on my side of the server.
Eventually, I’d earned enough coins that I could hit the town. I bought the penguin equivalents of Yeezys, a Gucci belt and Ray Ban glasses. Suddenly, I was the penguin turning bodies. (Penguins lack necks, so this was the best I could hope for.)
With some coins in my wallet, I had newfound confidence. I moved from my 1 bedroom igloo in downtown Klondike to a 3 bedroom flat on the upper east side of the Blizzard server. I bought a new couch and a fireplace. Piece by piece, my igloo was coming together. I bought a flat screen TV and had wall space leftover, so I bought two more. Surely the women were gonna love me.
The next time I walked into that night club, I felt like the talk of the town. A simple nod would make all the lady penguins blush and swoon. And then I saw her again: Cutie2145. Her hair had changed color since I’d seen her last. From the way she carried herself, it was clear she came from a family of coin. But I had to grind day and night on those dusty mine cart rails before the women would even look at me.
It was clear that we came from different backgrounds. But as I approached her now, she looked toward me. And in that look, I lost myself. Those vacant white penguin eyes contained intimidating voids of depth. In that hollow penguin expression laid an impossible profundity. And I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my penguin life with her.
We shared drinks as the DJ played through the night. We stared at each other with enraptured eyes. But suddenly, the night club closed. I invited her back to my igloo and, to my shock, she wanted to come. Admittedly, she found my wall of TVs to be a little kitsch. But after we’d watched a penguin horror movie, we made our way from the couch to the bed.
But as I took off my penguin Gucci flip flops, she seemed to hesitate.
“I have a confession to make,” the chat bubble emerged suddenly above her head.
“What is it?” I replied.
“I — ” She swallowed. “I’ve never been with another penguin before…”
At first, I was a little unsure how to respond. I was embarrassed to admit that I, too, hadn’t yet lost my penguin virginity.
“To tell you the truth…” I hesitated now myself. I don’t really know how this works either.”
A sigh emoji emerged above her head.
“Are we even, like, able to… you know…” she asked.
At this, I looked down at my penguin genitalia.
“Shit.”
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