To All Men Who Sexualize their Women Peers

It will never be enough.

I have a thing with perfection. I am very professional in everything I do, and I just want it to be perfect. Especially when it comes to helping others, I want to give my very best. I don’t know exactly why; My guess is the impostor syndrome kicking in. The pressure is all on me.

Today I was coaching, as usual, a group of young entrepreneurs competing in a startup contest.

Because of the current pandemic situation, the event is online. So, I have to coach the participants through online platforms and videoconferencing systems. Of course, some participants have issues with their networks and we end up talking by WhatsApp or phone, as the challenge is international.

One of the participants was struggling with the online tools, as he was not familiarized with them. And he asked for my help.

So there I was very early in the morning trying to solve his problem and trying my best to help him out. I decided to make a tutorial video for him on how to use it. I thought it would certainly take me some time, but it would help him out. Also, I could share the video with other participants in case they have the same issues. Everyone wins.

And so I did, even when it was not my job. There is technical staff paid to do this and to give technical support. But my guess was that I would probably do it faster.

So, I send the tutorial video to the team. I was actually happy I did it. I enjoy helping others. I thought they would be grateful. I guess I was waiting for their recognition.

Then this happened.

The participants thought the best way to respond to my tutorial video was with “guapa”, which is the word for sexy in Spanish. And then another participant responded by a “laughing to tears” 😂 emoji to the awkward reaction of his colleague.

It is to note that I’ve never met these people before. This is the first time I get to talk to them. There is no trust developed in our relationship, there is no relationship at all. I’m just being paid to coach wannabe entrepreneurs.

So their reaction surprised me. It took me 10 minutes or so to understand what they meant. I couldn’t find a reasonable response to their reaction.

I felt angry, guilty, ashamed, incompetent, disgusting, bullied….so many feelings and emotions triggered by a 5 letter word.

How to react to this? What is the smarter possible answer to this stupid reaction?

I spent another 10 minutes trying to figure out the best way to respond.

Maybe I should just let it go. It’s just a word. He didn’t mean bad.

But then, I thought, would that be fair to myself? Is that in line with my feminist and justice believes? Should I let it go?

Maybe I should just tell them to f*** off. Then I’ll leave the chat.

But then, wouldn’t that make me just an angry bitch? Probably I would just be avoiding the issue and the confrontation.

I should sermon on them, then. Talk about how sexist that is and how out of place their reactions are. And then continue doing my job.

But are they worthy of my time? They are just some idiots. What can a feminist speech do to them? They probably won't change their behavior with other women.

Maybe I should respond with a similar sexist reaction. Maybe I should say Is too bad he doesn't have a big c***.

But then, judging by his stupidity, he probably will not feel uncomfortable and he will keep playing the sexist card. He would probably harass me. And I probably won't get paid for time spent coaching this idiot.

10 minutes went over, and I didn’t have a plausible response. My heart was racing, my hands shaking, I was sweating and my eyes were praying not to let any tear escape.

I hate this feeling. Is an ongoing rollercoaster of emotions, and it’s difficult to find the breaks.

Yes, I cried. For that stupid word. I cried. Me, the strong woman, the feminist, the adult. I cried. My tears kept running. But he was intact. Nothing happened. He wasn’t feeling. He was. Nothing else.

I still didn’t have an answer. I felt hopeless and angry because I was letting them get into my head. Into my feelings.

Is not the first time this happens to me.

I’ve been called love by peer males when they want to make a point. I’m not their love.

I have been called miss by some students, even when I have a doctorate, while they call Doctor at their male professors.

I’ve been invited to “work dinners” that look more like date nights.

I’ve been recognized for how I look, what I wear, and how kind I am, more than I been rewarded for my skills, my competency, and my expertise.

How come I am not used to this already? I’ve seen enough. Lived enough.

I still don’t have the answer to that reaction.

I responded, though, but I think the answer I gave is not enough. It will never be enough. Just the fact that we, as women, have to respond to this, is obnoxious. I shouldn’t have to respond to this. But I have to.

I get that you are surprisingly shocked by my physical appearance. I am glad it accommodates your expectations of me as your coach. I supposed that thanks to my sexy looks you now will familiarize yourself with the tools and do marvellous work. I hope that calling me sexy satisfied your needs to be couched, I hope it makes you thrive as an entrepreneur. Please know, however, you have been disqualified for the contest. With love, your sexy coach.

Here is my response, even if it doesn’t matter if I responded or how I responded. Because it’s not enough. It will never be enough.

I’m just sick and tired to have to respond to this.