Summary

The article calls for men to acknowledge and understand the daily safety concerns women face due to the prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, rather than dismissing them as overreactions.

Abstract

The author addresses men directly, urging them to recognize the validity of women's safety concerns, which stem from the stark reality of sexual violence statistics. The article emphasizes that dismissing women's caution as paranoia not only undermines their feelings of safety but also perpetuates a culture of disbelief and victim-blaming. It underscores the importance of men trying to empathize with women's experiences, such as the fear of walking alone at night or being harassed in public spaces, even if they have not personally witnessed or experienced such threats. The author asserts that acknowledging these dangers and listening to women's accounts is crucial for creating a supportive environment where women feel heard, validated, and respected.

Opinions

The author believes that men often dismiss women's safety concerns due to a lack of personal experience with such issues, which is a manifestation of privilege.
The article suggests that men should put aside their ego and listen to women's experiences without discounting them as irrational or attention-seeking.
It is highlighted that many instances of harassment and assault go unreported, and that the prevalence of such incidents in places like parking lots is often downplayed by men.
The author expresses frustration over being labeled as paranoid for taking precautions like locking doors or being aware of her surroundings.
The piece calls out the societal expectation that women should modify their behavior or demeanor to avoid harassment, rather than holding perpetrators accountable.
The author insists that men need to understand that the threat of violence is a real and constant concern for women, and that this reality should not be trivialized.
The article concludes by reiterating the need for men to acknowledge the legitimacy of women's fears and to become allies by truly listening and believing women's experiences.

To All the Men Who Say ‘It’s Not a Big Deal’ — Please Stop and Listen

If you’ve never been in her shoes, you may not understand — but she needs you to try.

Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash

To men across the board:

I know that many of you are amazing, understanding people, and I realize that a lot of you want to be supportive, and actually mean well.

But just because something hasn’t happened to you doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid concern. And every time you dismiss our caution as being paranoid, you increase the chances of us getting hurt. You may not mean it that way, but your dismissal is just another way of putting your privilege ahead of our safety.

So please put aside your ego and the veil of your own experiences, to stop and listen.

We’ve all heard the statistics: 1 in 6 women will be the victim of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault in her life. And there are many more that go unreported. Unfortunately, it’s a problem worldwide.

Each time you don’t believe us, discount our worry for paranoia, and dismiss us for acting ‘irrational’, you make it that much harder for us to speak up the next time.

You make it that much harder for us to feel safe.

You become just another person who doesn’t believe there’s anything wrong until it’s too late.

We don’t want drama or attention. We don’t want to ‘play the victim.’ We want to feel secure, heard, validated, and respected. We want to know you will understand and protect, even if it’s against something you are unable to see or comprehend.

We need an ally, not another privileged male believing that what we claim to experience on a daily basis is ‘not a big deal.’

I keep the door locked when I’m home alone. You’ve made it clear that it’s an annoyance to you when you arrive, but to me, it’s common sense.
When I leave somewhere and walk across the parking lot, I lock the car doors as soon as I get in. You scoff and say, that’s paranoia. But a lot of crime actually happens in parking lots — and about 10% of sexual assaults happen there, too.
I get catcalled and harassed alone, but not when I’m with you. And because you never witness it, you automatically think I’m exaggerating.

“It’s broad daylight,” you say, “you’re overreacting.”

I’m not. Plenty of women get harassed, assaulted, and killed in broad daylight all over the world.

I refuse to be a victim, but I acknowledge that I am a target.

I think of all the times I’ve never told you about — being catcalled, followed down the street, having my ass grabbed “because they can,” being prodded for information about where I live, men not letting up even if I lie and say I have a boyfriend, being told I’m too sexy for my own safety. Being told while working the night shift that I shouldn’t be left alone because weird things will happen to me, having my tent surrounded by three men purely for intimidation when I was camping by myself, and being blamed for it because I was a woman camping by myself.

And the cherry on top — being told that if I were simply more confident and aggressive, men would leave me alone.

I am confident. I have been aggressive. Harassment (or worse) still happens.

Regardless of how I act, what I wear, how I speak, the color of my skin, or my stature, many men still act as if they have a right to treat me as property, as less-than, because of what I have between my legs.

Because I’m someone of “the weaker sex,” and they want me to know that.

But none of those things have ever happened to you, so in your narrow worldview, it couldn’t possibly be that big of a deal.

But it is.

All those times I was made to feel threatened — whether it was an “innocent” catcall from down the street, or a dangerous affront by a group of men while I’m alone in the woods — they all matter. They all add to the list of things I have to consider and do and not do in order to protect myself.

We all want to get home safely at night. Unfortunately, some of us work harder to do that.

So, to the men who don’t understand, please stop telling women that they are being irrational, that they’re overreacting, and that it’s not a big deal.

Because, if you’ve never been in her shoes, you may not understand — but she needs you to try.

We know there is always going to be danger, and that might never change. That doesn’t mean I need you to tell me you’ll be there every second of the day to make sure nothing happens to me. I wouldn’t want that anyway.

It means I need you to acknowledge that the danger is there, and for you to believe me when I say it’s tough and I’m scared. It doesn’t make me weak. And it doesn’t make me a victim to ask for help and to ask you to hear me.

So please stop dismissing us, and don’t say it’s not a big deal when in fact, it could be. Look at the statistics — it’s not paranoia if these things happen every day, everywhere. And trust me, it happens to every one of us, whether we talk about it or not.

We aren’t overreacting — this is the reality of our lives. So please stop making it harder, and learn to just listen.

Sincerely,

A woman who is tired of being told she’s paranoid.