To ALL the Blah, Blah, Blah Writers, STOP IT!
I’m writing you this message from six feet under the ground!
Disclaimer: Beware, word jalapeños ahead! If you bruise like a peach in a salsa dance, maybe pass on this one. For the thrill-seekers, get ready for a laugh ride that could turbo-charge your writing. Laugh, learn, proceed with caution!
Do you know what “blah, blah, blah” multiplied 1000 times equals? Come on! Hurry! All writers should be familiar with such a question. Oh, man! Is it really that hard? That’s five minutes of “blahs” that talk about nothing but the “blahing” life of the writer. To those who live in an English-speaking country and care about the standard of professionalism, should it be “blahing” or “blahhing”? Hehe, I got your ass. Yeah! I know it’s not funny, but still, got your ass anyway! And the sound of that spank, mmmmm, oh man, it’s just delicious!
Recently, I was trying to expand our publication and connect with more writers. I asked myself, “Man, if you’ve got five minutes to spare, why not spread some love here and there and connect with new writers?” I thought to show some love and encourage some writers to write more, but oh, brothers and sisters, let me tell you this: I found myself in a dilemma where I needed to encourage them to write less, and also needed their encouragement to finish reading their pieces!
Honest to God, no white or black lies here. In most scenarios, I couldn’t help but fall asleep on my teddy bear or throw my phone in the toilet as a result of my frustration. Would you believe me if I told you that I couldn’t finish most articles, even though I was listening to them at the speed of 3X? I trust some of you share the same feeling.
Now, wait, wait, wait! Let’s set the temperature of the conversation right at the beginning so we don’t get into a fistfight in the comment section. If you think that in the article, I’m talking about you, then you are probably right and probably wrong. I don’t know, that’s all up to your confidence in your writing. I mean, honest to the devil, some of you are good bastard writers. You write some of the best stuff on this planet. But still, because of the amount of “blah-ness” on this internet, your work doesn’t get the chance to appear on the feed. So whether to take it personally or not, that’s all up to you. Cool?
I used to ask myself a few weeks ago: why do many writers write boring stuff or write them in boring styles? I couldn’t find a solution then, so I called 911 and asked, "Can you help me? A sexy nurse's voice on the other end said, “Yes, sweetheart!”
Before hearing that voice, my frustrated little antenna was swinging back and forth, trying to find some inner peace, but with the smoothness of that voice, suddenly, it got in place just like a TV found the right signal.
I said, “I feel like I’m on the verge of a heart attack reading stuff on Medium. Can you offer immediate help?” She said, “Oh, no! Not Medium again. You’re the 249th caller today complaining about Medium! Just turn it off and find something that turns you on. You will be back to good in five seconds.” So, I followed her advice, and now I’m back more energetic than ever, ready to tackle writing again!
As ya all know, I’m a curious guy; despite the sexiness of her voice and suggestion, what she said didn’t satisfy my hunger to understand why many writers write a lot of boring stuff or interesting stuff in a boring manner. So I dug a bit deeper, and here is what I found.
Many writers spend their lives doing nothing but collecting expired experiences and dissecting them. If not all, most are introverts, and in a bad way, they don’t want to talk to others, which makes them not know how to talk to others. They like to sit in a cafe alone, listening to outdated music, or lay under a leafless tree, staring at a dying bird and examining the purpose of life. Then, spend every second working hard to describe the suffering soul of the bird with the most sophisticated word they can find in the Oxford dictionary. Most of them forget or perhaps refuse to hand the bird a microphone and have an interesting conversation with it about its view on life or tickle its feet and blow some new life into it.
The bottom line of my discovery: Writers who write boring stuff only exist in their dimension and cannot build a colorful bridge between them and the reader.
Do you know how many people write on this platform? I have no idea, but at least a minimum of 10K writers write on this platform, and most of them write daily. Many share the same sort of “blahs” on autopilot. Do you know what that means? It means that your “blah” today was the blah of someone else yesterday and will be the same boring “blah” of someone else tomorrow.
Hmm…No wonder why the algorithm of Medium goes nuts all the time!
“Blahing” or (“Blauhing” for those in Australia ;)) isn’t necessarily a bad thing if it drives entertainment and engagement. Many people tell the same old joke over and over, but they give it an 89° spin and make it a bit more interesting. If you are not funny, that’s fine! I’m not going to slap your ass for it. But I’m going to slap your naughty booty if you kill the fun and spirit of the conversation by adding “more” of “nothing.”
I’m sorry to break your heart and crush your “creative” spirit. But writing as a craft is not for everyone; I used to believe otherwise, but now I regret and swallow my old shit! Writing creatively IS REALLY NOT FOR EVERYONE. Yes, everyone can type, but I can bet you on a million dollars that monkeys can type way more interesting words than many writers here, on the internet, in bookstores, and even in public libraries. The reason for that is monkeys have a lot more interesting views and experiences living in the wild than many humans who live in modern cages.
I know you are becoming defensive right now, and you think I’m insulting you; the truth is, you are insulting the reader's time and expecting their attention and respect in exchange. True engagement doesn’t happen just like that; you shouldn’t take it for granted. IT’S HARD WORK!!! I wouldn’t clap for a boring article even if it were written by my own son. I will just kick his butt and throw him to experience life with the monkeys. That’s why he hasn’t been born yet. Saving his butt from Daddy’s kick.
Most writers don’t need a masterclass in writing; they need one in the color theory of life and charisma building. They need to head out to the street and live with strangers; they need to go low and learn the simplicity of life on the street. They need to learn how to chill out with the most simplistic things and make others chill as well. And most importantly, they need to learn how to cut the crap, get out of their heads, and talk about what matters the most to others and not only to them.
If one day I quit Medium, it’s not because of the starving earnings that can barely buy me toilet paper; it’s only because I died out of boredom heart attack, and the shock was so hard that they couldn’t save me. Handsome dudes and sexy ladies, writing doesn’t die because other forms of media have replaced it. Writing dies because writers decided to kill it and the reader's spirit with their blahs.
Yeah, I agree that most of my articles are nothing but a bunch of trash talk, I fucking know that, and I said I agree already. But do you know why I write like that? It’s because the taste of the modern consumer is nothing but trash. Harsh, isn’t it? Well… that’s what the internet and media have taught me for the last few years. Those who care about the elegance and beauty of writing as people used to 50 years ago have been replaced by those who mostly care about bouncing their bellies and laughing at nothing but “trash talk.” If people laugh at my writing, well… it’s because it reflects their “funny” lives and mindsets. My words are only a mirror, nothing else, my beautiful readers.
Now, here is a playful task for you: Use the word “blah” as many times as possible to write an interesting story about a boring topic. I promise you at the end of the story, you will find your piece a lot more interesting, engaging, and funny than what most people write on this planet. However, you can’t beat monkeys unless you bribe them with a banana to write in your stead!
Remember this: Writers write to engage, not to send people six feet under the ground from a heart attack out of boredom. Are we on the same page now? Good! Now, dare to impress us with some interesting ‘blahs’ that chill us out. I’m already bored with writing my own piece. Much love, Cheers!
➡ Join my mailing list to receive my stories in your inbox. ➡Follow The Hub Publication for practical tips and inspiring stories.
— © Nour Boustani 2024